(((cyp)))
UBMs - why do we love JWs??
by Super_Becka 52 Replies latest social relationships
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Check_Your_Premises
(((cyp)))
Thanks WP.
I realized that is probably the worst thing I ever said about anybody. It rips me inside to say it. But it is true.
CYP
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Seeking Knowledge
((CYP))
I meant to give you that earlier!! I feel for you...
SK
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Will Power
One thing is for sure - the life of a labelled UBM is emotionally exhausting.
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kid-A
I think the critical factor is finding out once and for all what the "ultimate" intentions are of the JW in terms of their future in the religion. When I was on my way out, I dated a "worldly" girl, which of course my JW parents gave me grief for because they still had a spark of hope that I would come back to the borg.
Obviously I didnt, and I had decided long before (like Beckas BF, I was never baptized) that I fundamentally and completely, from the deepest region of my being, did not believe ANYTHING the JWs had to offer.
It was awkward telling my girlfriend about by bizarre upbringing in the borg but I made it plainly clear to her that I wanted nothing to do with the religion, I celebrated every single holiday with her, x-mas, birthdays, easter, valentine's etc.
The point is, if there is a suspicion that the person may one day fall into the religion again (and the "born again" JWs are usually the most devote and rabid!!) someone seriously contemplating a lifetime with such a person should really consider cutting their losses and finding a person that is totally unencumbered with JW baggage. Because believe me, there is about 100 tonnes of baggage associated with being raised in this organization, and it never really leaves you even after you are gone.
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coolhandluke
Becka I don't know you so please to not take this as a judgement in any way
I always find myself falling for a guy who needs a lot of work but that I'm crazy about anyway.
I have a serious problem with this. People don't need work. I mean we are with who we are with for who and what they are. This human need to "make people better" is troublesome. I have been in relationships where this was an underlying goal. It hurt and I am sick from it. I am what I am for good reason. The changes I make to my organism are changes that I deem necessary because of some event or occurence which makes me believe that such a change is required. Sometimes that comes in the form of people bringing things to my attention. Usually though it is some inward work that I have done that brings about such changes. To want to conform someone to your will or your ideals of what would be "better" is not the most productive way to express your love for them.
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Super_Becka
Becka I don't know you so please to not take this as a judgement in any way
I always find myself falling for a guy who needs a lot of work but that I'm crazy about anyway.
I have a serious problem with this. People don't need work.No offense taken at all, CHL.
Maybe I should've phrased that better. I don't mean that I date guys that I try to change to fit what I think they should be, because I know better than to try and change anyone. I wouldn't want someone to try and change me, so I don't try and change anyone else.
What I meant by that would be that I tend to find myself with guys who... maybe don't know how to have a relationship and deal with people?? Does that make any sense?? Like, guys that don't know how to handle themselves in a relationship, how to compromise their individual lives with the life of a girlfriend. Guys that really need to figure out who they are and how they see other people and how they can fit others into their lives. I don't mean that they need to change their personalities or their lifestyles, they just need to come into their own, so to speak, just like we all do.
Maybe it would be better for me to say that I tend to find myself with guys that haven't really figured out who they are, what they want and what they need. My last boyfriend was very awkward around me, he wasn't really comfortable unless he was with his parents and sisters or at least his best guy friends, like he was always unsure of himself. My current boyfriend, the JW, is less awkward around girls and other people, but he still prefers the company of his family (he doesn't have any friends outside of his co-workers) and he doesn't have much in the way of social skills, his people skills need some fine-tuning (and I don't mean that as a bad thing, I just mean that maybe he need a little practice with his tact and personal expression).
That's what I meant when I said that they "need a little work". I didn't mean to say that I needed to change them or that they needed to change to suit me, I meant that they just needed some more personal development. And so do I, I'm a very shy person and I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes, I need work, too, but like I said, I don't try to change others and I don't change myself to suit anyone else, either.
Does that make any sense or did I only make it worse??
-Becka :)
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xjwms
cyp
WOW
much said in a few words. Those here who have years and years experience with this group called JW's reach out and try to help new ones.
It seems to me....sometimes these just want to learn the hard way. Too bad, .. ubm's .. have a hard time, I know.
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GoingGoingGone
(((((cyp)))))
Hang in there, buddy.
Becka (((((hugs)))))
I was raised a JW, married a JW, raised my kids as JWs, and left after about 30+ years in. Even understanding the JW mindset, even KNOWING why my husband is doing every single thing he does and what motivates him to do the insane things that organization requires, it's unbelievably difficult. It's a strain on our relationship like nothing we have ever experienced before. And we've been thru the ringer, on numerous occasions, and come out fine on the other side. But this is a huge challenge.
Your boyfriend is inactive. I agree with the advice that you need to know exactly what he plans to do about the JW religion. But just know that even if he leaves for you, those who leave and aren't truly, thoroughly convinced that the WTS is completely false, are much more likely to return when they have kids or some crisis in their lives.
Everyone has problems, and you'll never find the perfect guy. But starting out with the odds against you, is never a good idea. Someone raised in a cult, even if they aren't actively participating now, is affected by that. It's hard enough dealing with the problems when you leave on your own.
The longer you are with him, the more invested you are in him. You are young, full of hope and ready to give and love and solve all the world's problems. I was like that once, too. Find someone wonderful, while you still have all of that in you to give. You deserve it, Becka. You're a great girl.
GGG