I have not been on much lately, but I have missed so many of you!
Okay, everyone, this doesn't really have much to do with JWs... it's more just a personal "problem" of mine. So if you're not interested, just don't bother reading it... don't read it and then tell me how boring it is. And believe me, I am well aware that it is a very stupid problem... but I didn't really know who else to ask, because anyone who knows me in person would probably be so upset with me! I am wondering if anyone else has ever had a similar problem or can tell me what to do to STOP having this problem... talk some sense into me and make me snap out of it.
Okay... I have a boyfriend (we'll call him Chris) and next month we will have been together for 2 and a half years. I really do love him and we get along well and everything. He is great, extremely loyal, he would do pretty much anything for me... but lately I keep thinking about the boyfriend that I had BEFORE him (we'll call him Greg). I haven't seen this ex-boyfriend in almost 3 years... it ended badly... he treated me pretty poorly... but my friend recently found his profile on "myspace" or whatever, and showed it to me, and now I can't get him off my mind.
This ex-boyfriend is not even really a winner... I have no idea why I can't stop thinking of him! I find myself really MISSING him. Also, he lives in New York City and I live in Buffalo so we are about eight hours apart so it's not like there's really any chance of anything happening again or any chance of running into each other.
Greg (the ex-boyfriend) came here a few years ago for college and that's where we met. He always tried his hardest to make me feel bad about the fact that he was from NY and I am from Buffalo... according to him, this made him much better, even though I am much more sophisticated than him, to tell the truth. I think he felt insecure around me very often, so that's why he tried to use where we are from against me. I was obviously insecure, too, to let him always talk like that to me. He also always felt the need to tell me and everyone else how much money his family has and how rich they are (this is pretty much true, they are wealthy, but he always told me about every five minutes).
He's also not even really physically attractive, so that can't be what I am after. I don't know, he was the first person I ever had sex with (and I was his first) and I really regret that because I think it made me so much more attached to him. Plus I don't think that I should have been doing that in the first place, it was wrong. Even though I don't think he was that attractive or anything, we had a very exciting physical relationship and everything. I mean, it was really great. But I don't even know why.
He also drank way too much for my liking and I don't think he was the most loyal person ever, though he never cheated on me. He ended up going back to New York (after complaining about how much he missed it for a whole year, and I wondered why he ever came in the first place). That's when it ended, and it ended pretty badly, because I found out from a bunch of people that he never planned on staying in Buffalo for a long time anyway, even though he told me that he did. He planned on going back to NY after that year all along, and he just wanted someone to be with while he was in Buffalo. He was actually going to ask some other girl out, but then he found out that I liked him, and he decided to go for me instead, because according to him, I was "much hotter" and he couldn't believe someone like me would like him, and he thought his friends would be much more impressed with me than the other girl. So I guess it seems he pretty much used me.
So as you can see, that relationship was hardly ideal. It was pretty bad. But I haven't really thought of him much at all for so long. It's been almost 3 years since I've even seen him, and he has gone back to New York and never come back and we have had no contact since the first couple of weeks he was back there. I am sure that he has moved on with his life, and I have absolutely no reason to be thinking of him. But I am thinking of him... all of the time. I don't miss the bad stuff, but we just had such an exciting relationship. I think I am still really attached because he was my first, and so I really regret that so much. I keep thinking about him partying or being with other girls... I don't know how much of that he's doing, since he wasn't exactly even a looker, but I'm sure he's found other people. But I think about him with other people, and I get sad and jealous. I keep entertaining these thoughts of us getting back together after a bunch of years, realizing that we love each other after all and that we're meant to be and then staying together for the rest of our lives. I know that this is so unrealistic and it sounds like a movie or something, but it COULD happen, right? I have heard crazier stories.
I know that this is totally and completely retarded! I have a great boyfriend and I have never cheated on him... and never wanted to be with anyone else while we were together, until this little thing recently. I feel terrible and guilty because I know my boyfriend would be so hurt if he knew this. I mean, he has messed up and hurt me in some ways, too, and he's not perfect, and we forgive each other. But I still just feel that this is so wrong... and not only that, it is making me so SAD. I miss this old boyfriend so much all of a sudden and I am getting nostalgic about all our times together.
Please don't be mean to me about it... but will someone tell me what to do? How can I stop feeling this way about this ex-boyfriend? Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?
I hope that at least someone responds to this... but I don't blame you if no one even read the whole thing. So if no one responds, that's okay, and I'm sorry to bore you with my problems... and I realize that they are stupid problems to have and that I should just be thankful for what I have... but I really don't know what to do and I was wondering if anyone else had gone through anything similar. I am so sad and I want it to stop!