The Cockney Bible http://www.adamandeveit.net/index.asp
JONAH AND THE BLOOMIN' BIG FISH (JONAH 1-4)
Category: COCKNEY BIBLE
One fine day, Jonah was walking along, minding ’is own business, when God suddenly spoke to ’im. ‘Oi, Jonah, currant of Amittai….I want you to go to the great city of Nineveh, and speak to everyone there in my name. They’re a terrible lot, and they need a good talkin’ to.’
Now Jonah weren’t in the slightest bit interested in doing this, so ’e thought ’e’d run off in the opposite direction….He went to some place called Joppa, where ’e found a nanny about to leave for Spain….But God was watching ’is every step. He decided to send a bloomin’ strong wind to blow on the coffee-and-tea. The storm got so violent, that the nanny was about to break up and sink. As you can imagine, the sailors was in a righ’ ol’ two-and-eight.
….The storm got worse and worse. In the end, the sailors decided to draw lots. They wanted to find out whose fault all this was. Guess who drew the short straw? Jonah! The sailors immediately started askin’ ’im loads of questions. ‘Why is this ’appening? Why are you ’ere? Where do ya come from?’
‘I’m a Hebrew,’ Jonah answered. ‘I don’t worship all your little gods. I worship the one true God who made the land and the coffee-and-tea, and who is the God of heaven. I’m on the hot-cross-bun from ’im.’
…The sailors asked Jonah, ‘What do we ’ave to do to ya to stop this bloomin’ storm?’ ‘Throw me in the coffee,’ Jonah answered. ‘If you do that, the storm will calm dahn. It’s all my fault that you are caught in this storm.’ …They then picked up Jonah and chucked ’im in the coffee….As Jonah was floating around in the coffee, God made a bloomin’ great Lilian Gish (a whale) swallow Jonah. The poor geezer was inside for three days and nights.
If any lemon would be the right lemon to pray, it would be now. That’s what Jonah does! From inside the big Lilian, Jonah prays to God.
‘….All those who worship those silly little gods and idols have shown that they don’t care about you anymore. But God, I’m gonna praise you for ever. I’m gonna offer you a sacrifice, and I’m gonna do what I’ve promised. Only you can save people, God!’
After this prayer, God told the big Lilian to spit Jonah out on to the beach, and that’s exactly what happened.
Mike Coles
adamandeveit.net cockney converter:
currant bun – son
nanny goat - boat
coffee-and-tea - sea
two-and-eight - state
hot-cross-bun - run
Lilian Gish - fish
lemon and lime - time
