by els 27 Replies latest jw friends
els,
I sorry that I know very little about this but just recently I was listening to a radio program about this subject exactly. You might want to be careful with your investigations they are sometimes illegal. I am with you though, If you think he is cheating I would do whatever means possible to find out, even if it is illegal.
Loruhamah
OK, since I seem to be getting responses from guys and there's no way anyone I know will see this,I will tell you the story. The quick version of our life is both JW's, married 27 years, two kids, fed up with everything about the truth, stopped attending 20 years ago but not shunned by my family till 3 yrs ago. His family, not witnesses. Great marriage, hardly ever fight, great sex, good kids who are not at home any more. I know it's cliched but he's my best friend, my lover, my rock. Last fall I sat down at the computer without realizing that it was his desktop that was open. I clicked on what I thought were my bookmarks and his popped up. There were several that were XXX so I looked. Can you blame me? Most wre pretty standard and it's not that I care, we're not exactly prudes, but one was a SMBD site that was pretty out there, way beyond anything we've tried or even talked about. So I looked around. Well you can post on this site and there was a man posting on it "looking for a woman or women to learn with" , that he wanted someone willing to explore and that he didn't have anyone to share his desire with. Well it was my husband right down to his education, volunteer work and music preferences. You can imagine my reaction, but I wanted to know if it was real or just a fantasy, you know bullshitting on the web. So I set up a an account on the site with a made up name and profile and I started messaging him that I was interested. I took it as far as getting him to say that he would be interested in meeting me before I cracked and confronted him. Probably I should have finished it and aranged a meeting but that would have taken another week at least and I couldn't fake it anymore. Well I'll spare you all the details but he said he didn't think he would have actually met me (her), and he was just curious and being stupid. and that seeing how devastated I was made him realize how much I meant to him. So after a lot of talking and crying and make up sex, we worked it out. We decided to try some new things, which we did, but nothing extreme. and eventually the whole thing kind of disappeared and things have been back to normal with what I thought was a new closness between us. And for a while he wasn't looking at porn sites because I asked him not to but eventually I told him I didn't really care as long as I got the benefit from it. So yesterday I used his laptop cause it's way better than our old computer and I looked at the history for something and discovered that he is looking at bondage sites again. Now I have no reason to believe that he is looking for someone else, everything has seemed fine, but if it is, why doesn't he approach this subject with me. I have indicated to him that I am willing to experiment but we really haven't. OK, Guys and Ladies too if you're reading this, what do you think? Should I worry about this? He has 2 days a week when I am working from about 9 to 4 that he is at home. He is heavily involved in the fire department and is taking college classes 2 evenings a week, so I don't think he has the time to do much but you never know. I really haven't gotten any weird feelings or anything but i need to know what is going on. els
OK, since I seem to be getting responses from guys and there's no way anyone I know will see this,I will tell you the story. The quick version of our life is both JW's, married 27 years, two kids, fed up with everything about the truth, stopped attending 20 years ago but not shunned by my family till 3 yrs ago. His family, not witnesses. Great marriage, hardly ever fight, great sex, good kids who are not at home any more. I know it's cliched but he's my best friend, my lover, my rock. Last fall I sat down at the computer without realizing that it was his desktop that was open. I clicked on what I thought were my bookmarks and his popped up. There were several that were XXX so I looked. Can you blame me? Most wre pretty standard and it's not that I care, we're not exactly prudes, but one was a SMBD site that was pretty out there, way beyond anything we've tried or even talked about. So I looked around. Well you can post on this site and there was a man posting on it "looking for a woman or women to learn with" , that he wanted someone willing to explore and that he didn't have anyone to share his desire with. Well it was my husband right down to his education, volunteer work and music preferences. You can imagine my reaction, but I wanted to know if it was real or just a fantasy, you know bullshitting on the web. So I set up a an account on the site with a made up name and profile and I started messaging him that I was interested. I took it as far as getting him to say that he would be interested in meeting me before I cracked and confronted him. Probably I should have finished it and aranged a meeting but that would have taken another week at least and I couldn't fake it anymore. Well I'll spare you all the details but he said he didn't think he would have actually met me (her), and he was just curious and being stupid. and that seeing how devastated I was made him realize how much I meant to him. So after a lot of talking and crying and make up sex, we worked it out. We decided to try some new things, which we did, but nothing extreme. and eventually the whole thing kind of disappeared and things have been back to normal with what I thought was a new closness between us. And for a while he wasn't looking at porn sites because I asked him not to but eventually I told him I didn't really care as long as I got the benefit from it. So yesterday I used his laptop cause it's way better than our old computer and I looked at the history for something and discovered that he is looking at bondage sites again. Now I have no reason to believe that he is looking for someone else, everything has seemed fine, but if it is, why doesn't he approach this subject with me. I have indicated to him that I am willing to experiment but we really haven't. OK, Guys and Ladies too if you're reading this, what do you think? Should I worry about this? He has 2 days a week when I am working from about 9 to 4 that he is at home. He is heavily involved in the fire department and is taking college classes 2 evenings a week, so I don't think he has the time to do much but you never know. I really haven't gotten any weird feelings or anything but i need to know what is going on. els
sorry about the double post.
els,
Ask him. If you and he have discussed this in the past it might be something that he feels that he can talk to you about. After all, you did give him your okay to return to looking at those sights.
On the other side though, I have in law family members that have had so much trouble with porn and sexual addiction that they have cheated on their mates and lied about. All the time remaining a servant and giving talks on how everyone else should not do those sort of things. Very hypocritical.
If your husband is doing it and trying to keep it a secret it will only come out when he is ready to tell you.
Again, tell him the circumstances of your discovery and then see what happens. That is my suggestion.
Loruhamah
Lo, I probably will talk to him, I'm really not good at keeping secrets. I guess I just really want some other peoples take on this situation. I haven't talked to anyone about it, not even my best friend cause I don't want her to think badly of him? els
In my opinion: be the honest one, at least for now. Hold back on the spying game. Ask him. Don't add to the distrust.
It may well be that he's going back to the bondage sites but not to seek thrills with someone else. Whatever the case, since you two have already been through this in a similar way before, it would seem like a continuation of the same subject and not some new suspicion - so he might well be open to a frank, open talk without a need for spying.
Porn and certain fetsihes have a very powerful effect, and it's not very surprising that he's checking out such material again. But depending on what kind of guy he is, taking the next step and actually practicing bondage with another woman may be more than he's really intent on doing, especially since he got busted by you last time. But since I can't speak to your hubby's personality or character, I'm just guessing.
