Please help me. Advice re. children

by jambon1 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  AudeSapere

  I'm not clear on which part of 'normal' you are hoping for. I'm not sure if you are clear on that either.

  There are many degrees of 'normal'

  My first thoughts are that you want your children to socialize comfortably. I'm told sports helps kids learn social skills (I wasn't allowed - so this is hearsay). Since they must sit while at the hall, why don't you take them to dance or gymnastics classes once or twice a week? It's physical activity and gets them to meet other kids their own ages.

  As they grow older, school will offer a variety of extra-curricular activities. It could be your job to introduce them to these and help them choose which groups they want to be a part of. You can be the parent who drives carpool and helps out. Let school and these activities take priority. If they are too tired in meetings, let them stay home. Maybe the rule in your house is that they are encouraged (??? ick) to go with mom to Sunday meeting but weeknights is up to each child - only if they have their homework done first.

  You can find a network of families and friends to provide good 'normal' activities. Let the kids choose if they want to attend the Kingdom Hall.

  Many families have one parent who is very active in the 'fun' things and another parent who is more sedate. Many families have parents of different religions. Kids can learn that each person is allowed to make up their own minds on what they want to believe. It can be empowering. You get to be the broad-minded parent. And the fun one.

  I could not tell if you are hoping to celebrate all the holidays. Seems to be that you may do well to just be tolerant of what happens at school - the kids can participate on whatever level they feel comfortable. Christmas can become a seasonal event with a Snowman theme that lasts in your house until January 21. Birthday parties may be allowed, too. Before my parents started studying, a jw friend from school came to my party. She even brought a gift. (I was 8).

  Course, if I was JW mom in-good-standing, this would probably break my heart to see my young children celebrating holidays... Athletics is one thing, but blatant, devil-worshipping paganism is another.

  Sounds like you've got a steep road ahead of you. Good thing you've got an internet connection and JWD is still running strong. You're gonna need the support.

  I truly wish you the best. Look forward to hearing how things progress.

  -Aude.
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  mjarka911

  Hi jambon 1 I think dismembered makes a good point (boy does that sound wierd!), you have to try to compromise. My situation was very similar to yours. After 35 years in the org - the doubts became too much. We had a 2 year old son and I think that was a big part of me making a decision after being a 3rd generation witness. It's one thing to just go along the path of least resistance for yourself - but to look your kids in the eye and keep this fiction going for another generation was too much! I owed it to him to find out the truth. In time I DA'd myself. I still love my wife of 13 years very much although she is still a dub. When she realized I was leaving to be mentally free to live my life and not what the org wants everyone to believe (i.e, they want to leave to be materialistic or sexually promiscuous or whatever) then the negotiation to save our love and respect each other could begin. Now she takes our 2 kids (yes she conceived with me even after leaving!) to 2 meetings a week - and I get them on Sunday. The kids and I celebrate holidays, birthdays or whatever little things we want to do. I'm confidant that by giving the kids both sides of the issue - they will be able to make an informed choice for themselves once they are older - something I was never given!
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  TheListener

  Hello Jambon1.

  I'm in the exact situation you are in.

  It's tough living it day by day. Especially with the holidays coming up all the time and birthdays too. Never mind the meetings, service and family bible study.

  I've made some posts on this in the past and if I'm able to locate them I'll paste them here.

  One thing I know for certain, train your kids in critical thinking. It's never too late or too early to teach them to reason for themselves.

  Not only is this tough on the marriage and everyone's mental health but it puts your kids in the middle. To try and keep the peace you may not want to outright say the WTS is the devil. But, you may not be able to idly stand by and allow your wife to completely indoctrinate the kids. This puts you in a position of treading softly.

  Your job is to spend as much time with the kids as possible. Expose them to new thoughts and ideas. Make play dates with school kids and neighbor kids; take them to community plays, crafts, story times, etc. Find out what interests them (easier as they age) and help them pursue it. Talk about college as though it's not an option but part of life's routine.

  One thing for sure I do is discuss with my kids that we never hate or dislike or hope God will destroy anyone just because they don't look like us, think like us or believe like us. When alone I get specific with my kids and have said "what do we think of people who don't call God Jehovah?" The answer "That's ok, you don't have to call him Jehovah, it doesn't matter what they call him." Small thing but important when the dub indoctrination says that using the name Jehovah is paramount and separate the men from the boys.

  Sometimes when we pass churches or synagogues I say "look, isn't that beautiful. That's where some people go to talk about God. Oh look they have a play area; they must have lots of families and kids who like to play." Kids: "oh yeah! Can we go there one day?" Me: "it looks nice, we'll have to see."

  One of the best ways I've found to help kids think critically and use reason is with commercials for kids products. The products appear so great on tv but once you buy them they stink. Teach your children that concept. The concept that commercials only discuss the positive aspects of the product and highlight only the good things while keeping any bad stuff hidden away. I've even had to buy some of that crap to ensure that the lesson sticks. After buying some things that turned out to be crap they have gotten the message. Now many times when a commercial comes on for kids stuff they tell me "oh that wouldn't work like that at home" or "that looks good but I can tell it wouldn't work." Be careful not to make them cynical.

  Kids are smart they can see which way the wind blows. They'll be able to tell the difference between a calm refreshing wind of openness and a cold dark wind of repressiveness.

  One other thing. Try to counteract any demonization of the holidays or birthdays. Perhaps outright celebrating them won't occur anytime soon. OK. But, make sure they don't get in the mindset of 'Jehovah hates the holidays/birthdays.' It will be harder to counteract if that happens. How can you do this? I have no idea. But, here's what I've done: I use the term birthday and not day or date of birth or some other jwism. When with the kids I will ask them if any classmates have had birthdays. If they say yes, I'll say 'oh that is so great' it's nice to get older and have everyone be happy. When at the store and we see a santa claus or easter bunny. I'll say something like wow isn't that cool or isn't that pretty. I make it ok to laugh, or like the holiday stuff.

  Ok I think I just typed everything I've said in the past so I'm not looking for old posts now.
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  jambon1

  Thanks for all the advice guys. It`s all much valued and appreciated.