My Last Memorial?

by jojochan 15 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jojochan

  
  Last night just proved to me just that. This just might be it for me. As I sat there last night while the speaker kept going on,. and on, I zoned out. But then I snapped out of it and just looked around, as my eyes scanned the stuffy, crowded hall I noticed people that were in a fog, a daze.

  And looking at their watches.

  And as the "emblems" were passed around I could not help but feel shame for passing them away from me. If his apostles partook of them...why can't I? Were they anointed? What makes me different from them? I felt that I was disrespecting him out right by not partaking now. Eversince I studied on the reason why the collective does'nt partake of them when It clearly states that we should,"keep doing this in rememberance of him". While I sat there I felt sick to my belly from the monotonous talk that was being given by a grade F speaker.

  No heart put into it, no heart came out of it.And it sickened me.

  And as for the fact that it was so cookie cutter like. We were reminded that we to leave the hall in 20 mins so that the other congregation can be there on time.

  I'm just now starting to see it. The lackluster, the dirt and smut that's inside their cup, and I'm afraid. For I was sitting at their table of demons. I feel so removed from them, so out of place now than ever before.

  I did'nt leave the truth, their "truth" left me.

  Why was I there? I guess I just wanted to go this one last time, to try to see...whatever it is I wanted to see.

  But I never saw it.

  Instead I got a shameless plug for the sunday talk and a "free" home bible study.

  But there is a cost...your identity, your free will and your sense of reality. IMHHO.

  After the discourse I escaped through the back door, and out into the darkness. Back to reality....

  And back to the realization that that might have been my last memorial.

  jojochan.
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  serendipity

  ((( Jojochan ))). You seem sad.
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  What-A-Coincidence

  that was deep ... we are here for you.
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  EAGLE-1

  You just described me 30 years ago in what you wrote.It gets better.
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  Thegoodgirl

  You're making progress in seeing it from an outsider's view. That's huge, I think. And it is sad, to see who you used to be, and to regret that. To see what a waste it was, how silly and meaningless it was.

  So you're away from it. Congratulations in escaping out into "reality".
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  Fatfreek

  JoJoChan,
  You described your experience very well. It's been some 28 years since my last one and I felt like I was there (ugh) one final time. Fortunately, the bad feeling lasted no longer than it took to read your post.
  You'll look back at this in years to come and treasure it.
  Fats
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  Valders

  Great post Jojochan. I've been a lurker here for over four months now, and your post motivated me to finally begin posting. You expressed my thoughts and feeling exactly. This too will most likely be my last memorial. Rejecting the emblems as they were passed around put me into a state of shock of the seriousness of what I was (or was not rather) doing. So much so that I went straight home and drank a glass of wine as though it might somehow compensate.
  We are told that we are repsectful observers of the memorial celebration. And yet when it comes to attending meetings and going from door-to-door distributing literature, am I expected to be an observer or partaker?
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  AuldSoul

  (((jojochan)))

  You put to words my reaction last year. Empty lives dutifully observing an empty event in an empty way. Automatons. Going through the motions. Adding all sorts of procedure to the ceremony not present in the Bible, switching out who prays, etc. Much less like a close-knit family reflectively thinking on the death of a loved one, much more like a formal ceremony that is boring everyone to tears.

  And so poignantly twisted that they say they want to remember what Jesus did for us, but they can't show it the way he said to, and they can't even thank him directly in prayer.

  Thank you for posting that.

  Welcome Valders!

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
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  BluesBrother

  Welcome Valders! Keep on posting..

  Jojo you hit it right on the button, and said it so well.

  I attended too. One of those extras who come along , to support my wife that's all. They make a big thing of the increased Memorial attendance, don't they know that most of us are just there for family reasons and wishing we were somewhere else?.Come next Sunday and the attendance will be back to normal.

  When I was a kid the Memorial really meant something. It had a buzz. The speaker was an old Cong Servant who always did it because he was of the 'Remnant' . He was not a great speaker , but he added a gravitas to it and spoke as though it really meant something to him, something special between him and "The Lord".

  Todays meetings are much more matter of fact. It seemed about 20 minutes talking about the passover, 20 minutes explaining that you were not to take the emblems and then the passing around. BTW He kept talking while the emblems passed ! That was completely out of line with the instruction that I once had when I conducted it once in the 90's.

  After the meeting everyone spoke of everything else bar the meeting , it all seemed such like so much rote - not a feeling at all..
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  jojochan

  
  Thanks everyone for the positive feedback and kind words. And to Valders; keep on posting.

  The reason why I put that post that here instead of the private support section was to reach the lurkers. To reach those that have doubts and fears and questions that need answering. And Blues Brother, you are right. Things are definitley dumbed down for the collective. The still talking while the emblems were being passed around were in my opinion disrespectful. Back in the day my dad who gave the memorial talk years ago NEVER did that.

  Brothers now these days love the sound of there own voice. A little bit TOO much.

  And I am confused when It comes to the issue of my spirituality, what does IT mean for me. I do admit I have been obsessing about it for ahwhile now. But not all the time mind you, I do like to think that I have a life, LOL.

  But really, it's like that movie dogma, where they said that your faith, when one is a small child is like shot glass, it does not take that much to fill the shot glass up with faith. But when one grows up the glass gets bigger, so more is needed to fill it up. Do you get it? I guess that's where I'm at right now. But when I was younger, I did get a rush from the memorial, I did, I really did. Because i believed that THAT was the right way to do it. But I do believe that it will get better for me in my search for spirituality, wherever that may be in my path of life.

  But i do get sad sometimes. Sad for those that choose to stay in the dark about the real truth especially when they know that it is wrong and very pharaseical. But it's not my place to judge their reasons why they stay.I will though give them a listening ear when they need it.

  thanks for reading

  jojochan.