I'm not a B****** but.........

by JW72 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  JW72

  Hi all, I split up with my girlfriend today.

  I want to know if I am right in my decision.

  We lived in the same flat for 2 years, fairly good relationship. She went to brussels to study in the european community for 6 months. I waited for her return, patiently. She applies for jobs in the meantime, note fairly high-flying jobs which she is qualified for. However, she has NEVER had a job. She has been turned down for countless applications, I told her it's because she has NO job experience. She lets me know of another course(12 day over a period of 5weeks!!) I tell her it's a waste of time, she needs a job. She agrees. She is 26 and has been in education all her life. I'm 21. Also if she gets a job here, we could be together. She indicates her eagerness to do the course, I tell her I have waited for 6 months for something I feel is important for her career, fine, but I will not wait another 5 weeks for her to do a course that will not help her, and only postpones the inevitable 'getting a job'!! She goes ahead and does the course, so I say 'that's it, we're finished'.

  I gave conditions on the choices, but it was her that made the choice.

  Was I right in my thinking??

  I split up with her due to her wanting to do the course, even though it doesn't help her get a job, and delays the time for her to come here. Not only that but SHE made the decision to do the course even though she knew I would finish with her.

  She split up with me because she 'wanted to do the course'.

  Maybe I was wrong giving her an ultimatum, but, at the end of the day, she chose the course.

  PLease comment, people of knowledge.

  By the way, our relationship was good, but I am not prepared to let her get away with treating me like a piece of shit.

  Am I being wierd??

  Chris (a bit drunk and with his feelings slightly numbed from being a JW and learning to pretend that 'everything's fine')
• 

  think41self

  Hey Chris

  Sorry for your troubles buddy...relationship problems SUCK!

  Ultimatums are very tricky. You should never deliver them unless you have thought out the consequences thoroughly and are prepared to live with the results. They also sometimes give the other person the "excuse" they were looking for to end things without having to be totally honest about how they feel. Now she can say that you tried to make her choose between her education and you.

  On the other hand, I think your subconscious maybe was telling you that you had expended enough mental and emotional energy on this relationship without getting enough back. We all have to set limits as to what we want, need and expect out of any relationship. It sounds to me like she is unable to give you what you need out of it...at least for now. Is it possible you both feel a small amount of relief that at least it's over? If so, then it was for the best.

  The aftermath is never easy, you have my sympathies on dealing with it. I hope you will use your time and energies now on continuing to grow and develop yourself...you sound like you are well on your way!

  think41self

  "Not believing is not the same as not knowing." Abdullah
• 

  JW72

  I don't know why, but I just love your reply. It means alot.

  Thanks,

  Love Chris
• 

  think41self

  Awww,

  You're welcome Chris.

  I just wanted to let you know that someone cared what you were going through...and that it does get better my friend.

  think41self

  "Not believing is not the same as not knowing." Abdullah
• 

  Bgurltryal

  ok...you left your girlfriend cause she didn't do what YOU wanted with HER life?

  How was she treating YOU like shit for doing with her life as she feels will benefit her?

  Even if you don't agree, if you love someone you support them. It wouldn't REALLY hurt her(or you really) to spend one more month not working. If she's gone this long without one and she feels this is what she needs i don't see why it's such the huge deal that you just threw away two year of culitvating something great with someone because of it.

  If someone who is supposed to love you says 'Hey do what I want you to do instead of following what you feel will make you happy or I'll leave you.' I think I'd realise this person obviously really doesn't love me. If you truely love someone you swallow your pride and what your wants may be for the better and happiness of the person.

  Did you ever think that maybe she has just had an incredible blow to her self esteme after being rejected by many people in her feild of choice. Maybe she wanted to go on a course she might thrive in to gain back some confidence so that she may continue her search for a job.

  Getting your first real job is a huge deal and can be a horrible experience with so many rejections. She really needed your support not an ulimatum. She chose what she needed for herself. She didn't split up with you to do the course, she split up with you because you didn't support her in something she felt alot about. You have been very selfish. Ultimately your pride was more important than the relationship.

  But i am sorry. Breakups are always painful and confusing!
• 

  Billygoat

  Chris,

  Think4oneself has some great points. She's a pretty wise one! An ultimatum is always tricky. Be very, very careful with them. So I'm getting ready to play devil's advocate here, so bear with me.

  In the grand scheme of things what is 5 weeks? Why would it have been so hard to wait for that period of time? Why be the thing to hold her back from her career dreams - especially when it's only 5 weeks? If you two are meant to be together for the rest of your lives, then 5 weeks of waiting doesn't sound like very much time.

  You are right - she does need experience to get a good job, but maybe with this course on her resume, somebody will be more willing to hire her to give her experience?

  I've noticed an age difference with you two. I am also dating a young man that is 4 years younger than me. I'm 30, he's 26. He's quite mature for his age and is very secure in the fact that I want to experience life with him as well as on my own terms. He's comfortable waiting for me to live my personal life. (Yes, he's ready to settle down, I'm not quite there yet!)

  I don't think that your ex taking the course is treating you like shit. She sounds like an independent woman that doesn't want to settle for less than her worth. That kind of woman is hard to find and I say hold onto her. But since it's already broken up, do you want her back? Do you think it's repairable?

  My two cents!
  Andi
• 

  Hmmm

  JW,

  While reading your post, I was thinking about how I might respond. The first thought that came to mind was that ultimatums are very tricky, and that one should never deliver... well, it seems think41self covered that pretty well.

  Then I thought, on the other hand, maybe your subconscious... seems thinkf1self beat me to the punch there, too.

  So allow me to express my sympathies. The aftermath is never easy... uh, well, uh, think41self said it better than I could have.

  Oh well, my sympathies. After two years together, and six months apart, another five weeks wouldn't be a deal-breake--unless both of you were ready to move on.

  Hmmm
• 

  JW72

  Bgurl, Firstly thanks for taking the time to read and reply. The thing is she has LOADS of confidence, infinitely more than me.

  I feel that she wanted to do the course because she wanted to go back and see friends that she had made there.

  I had already let her do what she wanted for 6 months.

  I have a say in what I want in a relationship too.

  I would never do a 12 day course that would not help my career, especially if she said that she would split up eith me for it.

  She has 2 degrees and 2 masters among lots of other course certificates. She was being turned down for these jobs because she has NEVER had a job!

  I tried to explain, but..........

  I wanted to be with her, she obviously didn't.

  I would have waited for her if I thought that it was important for her or even if I thought that she THOUGHT it was important for her.

  PLease let me know if you still think it was my foolish pride....

  Love Chris
• 

  peaceloveharmony

  hi chris, how are you feeling today?

  you've gotten some good advice here and i don't really have anything to add it except that i've recently been thru a break up so i sympathize with you, it's not easy is it? you said

  ...feelings slightly numbed from being a JW and learning to pretend that 'everything's fine')

  wow, i can so relate to that! i think that's why my last relationship lasted for 5 years. about 2 years longer than it should have. i got to the point where i was just going with the flow because it was the easiest thing to do. finally i realized this is stupid, i wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. i had told myself, my friends, my family that things were great, i was SO in love. but when i really looked at my situation, i realized i was lying. so i got out. it was messy messy. anyway, i don't know if this helps you or not but it is your life and if you aren't happy with something, then you should change it. if you feel you made the right decision then i'm sure you did. i wish you best of luck! keep smiling

  love
  harmony

  Most people think, Great God will come from the skies, Take away everything And make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth, You will look for yours on earth: And now you see the light, You stand up for your rights.~~Bob Marley
• 

  Bgurltryal

  My experience has been that no matter how much self confidence someone exudes, no matter how much you think they love themselvs, rejection still hurts and it still makes you feel a little more worthless. you say she wanted to go back to the course, you feel, because she wished to return to her friends. Well in rejection you seek those that will build you back up and sympathise with your situation.

  I think she's probably very scared to enter into the job market. No matter her confidence level it's a WHOLE new step. It's like leaving your parents house to go into the world. You are now COMPLETELY responsible for yourself and your actions. It can be very daunting and i think she IS using this course on some level as an excuse to prolong her more carefree life(from the history of her education that you provided). But if you love her you help her through it. You support her. You talk to her about what her doubts and worries are and what, if anything, you may do to help her feel more comfortable with this transition.

  What she needs is to seek an internship to get some experience. That is one of the hardest things about finding work.You can't get a job without experience and you can't get experience without a job.

  She's going throught all these emotional things and an ulitmatum was probably the last thing she wanted to think about or deal with. So maybe she didn't think about it and just did what she needed to feel safe.Possibly she was angered by your demanding she change her life for you and ,in a form of relatiation, took the course. Maybe she's stubborn or just doesn't like being told what to do.(I can only speculate.) Maybe she regrets the relationship ending over such a thing also. Have you talked her about it or was it more like 'what? you took the course? Well screw you then, I'm done!'. Communicaton is necessary even at the end of a relationship.

  You're right, you do have a say in your relationship, but not in HER life. You wouldn't allow her to demand you do whatever SHE wants with your life either.

  Ultimately you pick your battles and if a 5 week course was worth sacrifysing your two year relationship then maybe there was more wrong than was evident on the surface.