Well, although some people go through the 'de-programming' from being a Witness sooner after they exit, there are many people like you who've been in a kind of 'Twilight Zone' for many years before actually confronting all the beasties in their sub-concious.
Residual guilt from not living your life the way you 'know' it should be lead can blight a life, and can only be removed in stages as you dismantle the structures of fear being a Witness built in your head.
Read, read everything you can about Witnesses. Be very careful of people who are just trying to sell you another brand of soap; "The JW@s are wrong, come to our church". You need to get all the stuff in your head OUT before you are able to make a considered decision about what you believe in now.
But, most of all, look at us.
There might be cussing and fighting on this board from time to time, but most of us are leading happy fufilling lives, and are very, very happy with the decision we made to leave/not go back. We've slain the monsters that plauged us.
Of course, some of us are further down the road than others, and you've been pulled over by the side of the road for a while. But we are no brighter or better or stronger than you, so you can get to where we are.
The best of luck and congratulations for starting on a journey to reclaim your life.