Creepy JW Music for Kids! (page 4)

Most of the album can be heard here: http://cdbaby.com/cd/garyaltfriends. I'm providing an in-depth review. Why? Because I love you, and because I hate myself. I would like to point this out once at the start so I don't have to repeat it over and over again: This is probably the worst-produced, most off-key music I have ever heard in my entire life. The tracks in order:

Good News - General wailing and moaning. Pretty much exactly what you'd expect from the title.
When We're In Jehovah's Paradise - This is a bouncy piano piece with a kid singing about the animals he'll get to play with in paradise, starting with riding an elephant. Of course, you can ride an elephant now, but whatever, I guess. He moves from the elephant ("When you're done with your elephant" he says--one wonders whether the elephant will then just wander off into the woods or something) to playing with a fish. (!!!) I wasn't aware that animals would change so much in the New Order that we could actually play with a fish. Also amusing about this piece is that it follows the standard Society pattern of asking a question and then assuming the answer would be yes. "Would you like to ride an elephant? Yes I would, you probably would say."
Over and Over - Contrary to what you might assume from the title, this is not a piece about child molestation. This piece, I swear to god, has steel drums in it, and some of the worst filler-style lyrics in the entire universe. "I like to sing, about the King, the one who'll bring us everything. And everything, he will bring, About the King, I like to sing, sing." By the way the "over and over" is referring to going out in the field ministry.
Into the Ark! - This is a march. It's a straightforward retelling of the flood myth.
Things They All Do Best - This is a song about body parts, and about how they are all really annoying to have, but you actually need your body parts. My favorite lyric from this one is "The nose is the funniest part of the face, with hair growing out everywhere." I think, but cannot be sure, that this song is about 1 Cor. 12, about spiritual gifts and the congregation as a body. One of my favorite scriptures, by the way, and now I will always think about this song when I hear it. Thanks, Gary.
Don't Look Back - A Spanish guitar piece. The sample is short but it seems to be about how God will kill you if you don't get your shit together.
First Things First - This one is about how you should go out every goddamn week in Saturday service, and then when you get home, no you can't watch TV, you have to go to bed. I'm serious, it says that. No TV for you: "There must be a mistake, ‘Cause I’m wide awake, Why can’t I watch TV instead? Tomorrow will come, it’s another day There will be lots of time to play." Except for what it doesn't say is that tomorrow morning they're gonna drag your ass to the Public Talk and Watchtower Study, and then you get to host the visiting speaker at the local greasy spoon for hours. Maybe around like 3pm you can come home and watch TV. Oh wait, never mind, Sunday afternoon TV sucks. Guess you get to read the Young People Ask book instead.
(My Grandpa Is) Home Again - Again, not about molestation. It's about this guy's grandpa getting resurrected in the New Order. Amusingly it contains speculation about how the mechanics of resurrection will work ("I haven't seen him in a couple of hundred years.") Also his Grandpa was an oldskool Rutherford-style Witness - told the greatest stories of information, marches, and old sound cars.
Count the Clouds - I swear to God this is a ripoff of something. Due to my upbringing I'm not as well-versed in pop culture as some people, but this sounds SO FAMILIAR. This woman and the same guy, probably Gary, start saying the word "You" at :23 and they don't stop until :50. They just moan "you" that whole time. I also have no idea what they are talking about. No living idea what this song is about.
I'm Gonna Be On Time - You'd think this would be sung from Jesus' point of view, you know, about his "visible presence" (parousia ) That would have been cool. But no, it's about, as a previous poster mentioned, getting to meeting on time. It even goes so far as metioning that Daddy, who has a part, is working on timing. As in that is is counsel point. Also, the song advises, remember your service report. Otherwise, it doesn't say, Brother Secretary will be hitting the sauce again pretty hard this Thursday while calling all the losers to collect their time.
The Grange - Well, this is an instrumental guitar piece. It's not actually that bad, if a little repetitive. If I had to guess, the title refers those godawful community centers (grange halls) that Witnesses are always holding "get-togethers" at.
Pray It Away - Not a song about whatever malady you have that requires a blood transfusion. This is an 80's style synth piece. It really is about praying about stuff, though. Life sucks, it posits, and prayer will clear that right up. Pray it away--answers are so crystal clear.
Piece of the New World - You know it is going nowhere good when it starts with the words "I don't need a room full of toys." This is basically a self-denial piece. Another funny (yet, on reflection, tragically sad) thing it says is "I don't need a party every day. I just need a little time to play." A /very/ little time, if it was anything like my childhood.
The Secret Person of the Heart - Apparently, only Jehovah can really know us. He sees into our heart. He can see through any disguise. I don't know what it was, because this song doesn't seem to be any more offensive on the surface than the others, but this song literally brought me very close to vomiting.
Oyster Bay Cove - An especially reprehensible instrumental piece. So much of this album came out of Gary's computer. I couldn't begin to guess what the title is talking about.
Brooklyn Bound - Not a song about the rumored BDSM practices that go on at Bethel. "Yes I'm travelin' Eastward, goin' to Bethel to serve... and I'm usin' my strength, before old age throws me a curve..." Amazing how much that is wrong with Bethel service that one line sums up. Keep listening and it gets worse--Jehovah (translation: the corporation known as the Watchtower Society) owns him lock, stock, and barrel. And he's gonna do whatever they want--laundry, construction, whatever.
The Hard Way - This song is really weird. Guys moaning (there's a lot of moaning on this album) about not learning the hard way. Learning what? I guess what is wrong or right. He particularly decries gray areas. Gray areas are for pussies. This song is all about erring on the side of caution.
Go Ahead and Make Me Happy - HOLY CRAP! This I'm sorry for doing this but I have to repeat the entirety of the spoken conversation that happens between these three "sisters." It sounds to me like it's supposed to represent the ideal spiritual conversation that should happen at the Kingdom Hall. You can't make this shit up. It's hard core.

SISTER 1: "Did you hear that Joanie started regular pioneering in September?"
SISTER 2: "I know, and I give her so much credit for her persistance."
SISTER 3: "Guess what? Bob was recently appointed a ministerial servant."
SISTER 1: "And do you know, he's giving his first Public Talk next month?"
SISTER 2: "I had a fantastic day in service today. I placed four sets of magazines and a book, I have so many return visits, I don't know what to do with them all."
SISTER 3: "My Bible Study is doing great. All her lessons are prepared, and she always answers from the heart. She even talked about going out in service!"
SISTER 2: "I think of all the men and women in the Bible, the one I want to meet the most is Jonah."
SISTER 3: "Oh really? Why?"
SISTER 2: "I want to ask him what it was like being inside that biiiiig fish for three days. I mean, how did he breathe?"
SISTER 3: "Yeah, and I want to know if he saw the bottle-gourd plant grow so fast. Or did it just, sorta, show up in the morning?"
SISTER 1: "Well, I'd like to ask Joseph what it was like raising a perfect child. Did he ever have to spank him? I mean, at least once or twice..."
SISTER 2: "What do you want to do in the new system?"

The Friends I Choose - Exactly what you think it is. Bad association blah blah blah. The lyrics on this one are particularly reprehensible, the girl is really looking forward to everyone being killed. One line is unintentionally funny - "I'll be sure that all of my relations help me to grow." Me too, Sally, me too.
It Won't Be Late - This song starts out with a raging storm slowing fading from silence, then a KICK ASS electric guitar kicks in, with some SLAMMIN' JAMS. Gary fades in, moaning, as usual, about the Great Day of Jehovah. This song is grade A condemnation, fire and brimstone. Except for it sucks.
Why Mosquitoes? - For a while I thought, hoped desperately, that this would be another instrumental. It doesn't kick in for like a minute. The question here is a pretty good one. Why did God create mosquitoes? I had this same question when I was a kid. My mom told me that they were for moving sap from one tree to another. By the way, overall, this is probably the worst single song on the album.
Marching to the New World - Well, it's a march, that's for sure. Remember that Witnesses are Christian Soldiers. Nothing distinguishes this song at all, except for the fact that I'm trying hard to decide if it is worse than the previous one. No, nothing can be.
If It Is To Be - I tried to understand what was being said here, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. The girl is unintelligible. Can't review this one. Subsequently I went and looked up the lyrics on his website and you know what? It doesn't make any sense at all there either.

Conclusion: If you want JW pop, stick with Prince, or "Brother Nelson" as they call him down there. This album is pure, complete, unmitigated garbage from the very depths of the Common Grave of Mankind. A line that I stole from Said The Gramophone, a very pertinent line: "Put it on repeat and you'll drift gradually into madness - it's like an acid flashback to fetal languor, the surreal sounds that filtered through the uterine wall."

jojochan

...OMFG!!

I humbly suggest Terry's tracks to listen to. Somebody please provide a link so we can save the poor youths from bad music.

jojochan.

Ariel84

OMG! that was painful

jojochan

Well, at least he has accurately portrayed the "penmanship" of the average JW on the cover !!! LOL

That is so creepy IMHO.

jojochan.

Merry Magdalene

I humbly suggest Terry's tracks to listen to. Somebody please provide a link so we can save the poor youths from bad music.

Here ya go jojochan: http://www.freeminds.org/aftrhour/paradise_lost.htm

~Merry

jojochan

Thank you merry

jojochan.

luna2

And I used to think Mr. Roger's songs were lame. He was great compared to this crap. Very depressing. Gary sucks and I think he searched high and low for kids who sang just as badly as he does. #3 is a barfy little calypso number. Wow, hideous.

MissBehave

under_believe, you deserve a medal of honor for your review. You really took one for the team. You are a far better man than I am (which really probably isn't all that difficult since I'm a girl). But you get the point.

I can't believe you suffered through each grueling track....I feel like we owe you big time. Can I possibly send you some money?

Your review was hysterically funny....thank you.

limbogirl

Under Believer:

WOW! I agree with MissBehave, you deserve money for your efforts. And you'll probably need therapy, too.

The track that is the discussion between the three sisters left me speechless.....did one of them really say that they wanted to meet Joseph to ask if he SPANKED JESUS?? Gawd, these people are sick! You get to meet Joseph -- earthly father of Jesus -- and all you're interested in is how many times he SPANKED Jesus.

hmmmmm.

LimboGirl

Creepy JW Music for Kids!

limbogirl

under_believer

jojochan

Ariel84

jojochan

Merry Magdalene

jojochan

luna2

MissBehave

limbogirl

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