My conscience

fullofdoubtnow

Everyone who ever became a jw must have heard the words "bible - trained conscience" many, many times, I probably heard it, and said it, on hundreds of thousands of occasions. When I first got in trouble with the elders for talking to dedpoet, they told me my bible trained conscience should help me to see what was right. I haven't heard the term much lately, but I have thought about it a lot, and my conscience still troubles me quite a bit.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be out of the org and have no thoughts about going back, but I still feel guilty quite often when I do things I would never have considered doing as a jw. I live with dedpoet now, and as much as I love him and he loves me, I feel a little guilty, to say the least, about that. I used to be a regular smoker before I became a jw, and on occasion smoked the odd cigarette while I was a jw, in secret of course. I smoke occasionally now, it's a bit hard to resist living with dp, who is a regular smoker, but I always feel guilty about lighting up in public. My sex life, which was non - existent for about 25 years, is great now, but I feel guilty about it. Neither dp or me have any particular thoughts on marriage at the moment, but whilst I am generally ok with the way things are, I feel a bit guilty about "living in sin".

Needless to say really, dp does not share these feelings, but he has been out almost 7 years, though he didn't da till last summer and has moved on with his life somewhat more than I have.He is very empathetic towards how I am feeling at times though, and shows me far more genuine love than any jw a I have ever met. I have asked him how long I can expect to feel this way, and he, wisely I suppose, wouldn't answer me directly, because I guess it's an impossible question to answer. He did say that the day I do something I wouldn't have done as a jw and don't feel any guilt about it, that will be the day I start to move on. I just wish it would come sooner rather than later.

Sorry to go on a bit, I just needed to let this out.

Linda

candidlynuts

i know what your saying.i went thru it too..

i kind of turned the corner when my therapist asked me if i was doing anything that i'd judge others harshly about.. not jw's .. normal people.. and ya know..i wasnt ! She reminded me i'm an adult, i live in a free country and to remember i'm not under the microscope of a high control group anymore. its ok to be normal.

nothing you said you do sounds wrong to me.. your an adult and your living your life the way you want to with another adult. smoking is bad for you but so is bacon.. mmmmmmm bacon.............

anyway.. hugs! hang in there..your an ok chicky in my book!

looking_glass

I think everyone is different also, as to the time it takes them to heal. I know people who left the LDS and have been gone for decades and they still get a twinge of guilt about stuff. When something is so drilled into your head, and it was what you lived, ate, breathed for years, of course it will still creep up and tap you on the shoulder.

A very wise psyche teacher I had once asked me a question ... "what is guilt" learn to define it "what makes you feel guilty" learn to define what motivates the guilt "what purpose does guilt serve" and then learn to change the motivation. When you discover that guilt is not serving a purpose in your life, it is much easier to get mad at the feeling and then change it.

juni

I'm sure a lot of us here have felt the same way to some degree, Linda. I know I have. There are certain things we wouldn't personally do even if we were never a JW. We have to be true to ourself. I guess that's the bottom line. Give it time and then you'll have to decide whether you want to continue with that particular choice you made. Otherwise, you can't be truly happy.

Does this help?

Juni

under_believer

I'm still in, though inactive from a field ministry standpoint. I wish I was as far out as you. Ironically, though, my conscience gives me no trouble at all about the secret bad stuff I do. Blood donations, talking on this board, looking at porn, enjoying R-rated movies, and getting really really drunk are all things that I do happily and without regret. If we could take your life and my conscience, we could make a whole "worldly person!"

fullofdoubtnow

Thank you all so much. I know plenty of others will have gone through this, I am not alone.

Under believer, you are so lucky to feel that way, it's how dedpoet feels now, and I hope to feel soon.

Fleur

Awww, Linda.

I have taken the JW guilt trip. I don't think there was ever a person who tried harder to live up to all the JW expectations of morality than I did. And I suffered for it, but I tried so hard.

After I left, I still thought well hell, might die at Armageddon but I'm gonna live in the meantime. Then time went on... I realized that my life is very boring and most people who are active JW's are way more wild and 'worldly' than I will ever be. that helps put it in perspective.

Remember, just because people look good doesn't mean they are good. Just do your best, be kind to others, and I honestly believe that it all comes out in the wash.

Remember too, that these are the people who expect young people to basically explode one day from holding in all those desires too long. They are neither sane nor realistic. When you realize that the people who are dictating how we should live our lives every day are shielding, willingly, thousands of child molesters...it makes it a lot easier to cast off the shackles. Time helps, too.

Be happy honey, life is too short.

hugs

essie

Spectrum

fullofdoubtnow,

I did the guilt thing for 20 years. WHAT A BLOODY WASTE OF EMOTIONS AND BEATING UP ON ONESELF.
Move on, forget about it. You've got to re-write the scripts in your mind, it's the only way. Think positively when you are doing the things that bug JWs.

I had left the org ten years prior when I met my girlfriend. She had no hang ups about sex it was totally natural for her but for many months I couldn't do it, for guilt reasons. Then I decided to do it with her about a year into our relationship. The guilt trip was tremendous, I wanted the earth to open and swallow me. Looking back now I feel so angry that I wasn't allowed to enjoy that first moment with her.
Don't keeping making this mistake so that you won't look back and feel cheated and angry. Enjoy what you have.

Es

it takes a while to adjust fullofdoubtnow, but you will get there. Soon you will be enjoying and loving every moment of it

es

sass_my_frass

"bible trained conscience" - a funny expression that really means "constant indoctrination". It's a bummer but we just have to let it wash over us for the time being. How long is a bummer too... but think of what we've been through as a major grief; it's the death of many relationships and what was probably supreme confidence in having stood on the side of God. That was a big deal we had going on there. It will take each of us a long time to shake that kind of headgame.

It's great to be here in the meantime though hey.

My conscience

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