Hello Kerc,
It was very interesting to read your posting. I personally identified with many of the issues you described. I too was born and raised in the "truth". I am now 31 years old. I was a regular pioneer and later served at Bethel. What really jumped out at me was how you described the process that you went through to suppress your early doubts and to try to dismiss the ambivalence that you had toward the organization's beliefs. This is certainly something that I did for many years. I am much like you. There were several beliefs that deep down inside I just could not accept; but I tried to stuff these feelings inside in order to be a good servant of Jehovah. Unfortunately, trying to stuff these feelings inside will only work so long. One of the most disturbing doctrines to me was how we must earn our salvation through works. I could not see the rationality in the Watchtower's assertion that Christ's ransom was merely a "half-ransom" and that we had to earn our salvation by constatnly performing "works" for the organization. Another very troubling belief system is the JWs belief in total Biblical inerrancy. My intutition had told my for many years that many of the Old Testament accounts (not all) were mythological. After doing intense research into the Old Testament, it's connonization, and ancient middle eastern mythology, I found this to be true.
You are not alone in the feelings that you are experiencing. For someone like us to come to the realization that our whole reality might have been an illusion can be terrifying. I have felt a huge mixture of emotions: anger, fear, depression, rage, and panic. This is normal though.
Here are some suggestions that will probably help you. (They have certainly helped me)
First of all, I highly recommend that you do some in depth research into the science of mind control. I began to research this phenomenon and was blown away at the similarities there are with the Watchtower indoctrination process. Do Google searches under: Robert J. Lifton, Margaret Singer, and Steven Hassan. These people are three of the countries top experts in this area and have published some very valuable work.
Second, I highly recommend the website:http://freeminds.org This is a fantastic website for research into Watchtower doctrines and other issues. This website has several links to other websites that will help you.
Third, don't despair! This will be a very difficult journey, but just know that it's a journey that you can make as long as you don't try to do it alone. Find a support group if you think that might help. Don't try to hold your feelings in. Journaling about my thoughts and feelings have been a big help.
Finally, whatever you do, don't stop praying. Pray for guidance and direction. Pray for the ability to deal with and heal any negative emotions that might burden you.
Take care,
Arthur