Being a JW is smart; Until you do STUPID things to remain being one....

BecauseImBroken

So it begins.... Let me first begin by saying that a few years back, anyone who DA'ed themself was a fool in my opinion; now I've seen the light. Anyone who had it in them to DA themself trully was set on living life THEIR way, and I respect that. The reason I say this is because for a while, like most JW youths, I led a double life. The reason you live one, is basically out of fear. Fear of doing, experiencing, or enjoying things you are told you cannot do, but you do them anyways. I now feel it is more important to be open and up front about how you want to live your life and who you really are, because in the long run, a double life can SCREW you bad. Here's my story (the most recent part of it; I had already been leading a double life at this point).

August 2004: Hurricane Ivan is headed for Florida. Me and my family decide to go to Georgia to avoid the storm. My folks stayed in an area called Vidalia, and I drove over to an area called Fayetteville. I'm staying with a family who had recently moved to the Fayetteville area from Palm Beach, FL (where I am from). I had been friends with the son for nearly 10 years at that point.
OF course all the young people in the area wanted to meet his good friend from Florida, so he had planned out 3 days of hanging out with all the local JW youths so they could all meet me. No problem with me whatsoever. Well, one of his friends had been DYING to meet me, because she was quite the singer, and I had a band at the time, minus 1 singer. Me and her hit it off instantly, and got along very well. She came over every day of the weekend and all we did was talk about music, and to be honest, I was EXTREMELY impressed with her vocal abilities, so I asked to to come to Florida sometime and hang out and play music with us(my band, all witnesses).
We would spend the next few months talking on the phone/aim/emails getting aquainted and me giving her some tips on writing lyrics and whatnot. We became pretty good friends. Mainly because we both discovered, that out of everyone who was hanging out that entire weekend when I was in Georgia, her and I were the only ones who didn't lead the cleanest lives if you catch my drift. We just weren't aware of what one another did exactly that was scripturally condemned. Yet.
May 2005: My friend who I had stayed with in GA the previous year was having a high school graduation party, so I came to town for it. I came up and stayed with the girl I had met through him, because since our initial meeting, we hadn't got to do any music work in together. Nothing spectacular happened, except that her and I developed more and more trust for each other. We started talking about the things we did behind our parents' backs and whatnot. Mind you, we were just friends at the time. And I had brought 2 other friends up with me, because it didn't look right for me to stay in the house if I was alone. I ended up skipping my friend's grad party just to hang out with her and her friends. I didn't realize it at this point, but we were building the foundation for our feelings that would develop for each other. As friends, we were inseperable.
July 2005: Her best friend DA's herself. She not knowing how to react to losing her best friend, tells her mother she's not going to meetings anymore. She also tells her mother that she's going to run off and still be able to follow her hopes with the band, because I wouldn't turn my back on her. This is true, but a very dumb thing to say to your JW mother. So her mother of course takes her car/phone/computer/etc etc away. Her mother then calls me and asks me if what her daughter says about me still wanting to associate with her if she leaves the truth is true. I of course deny any of this, and even attempt to sound concerned for this girl's spirituality and tell her mother I'll do anything to help her daughter. Then I speak to her. I make her understand that as long her parents think I'm a good guy I can help her a lot. I remind her that she doesn't have to completely rebel to do whatever she wants. So I talk her into continuing a double life. Big mistake on my part. If I had any of the viewpoint I have now I would have told her mother that she can't FORCE her daughter or anyone else to love Jehovah. And then gladly offered her daughter a place to go.
I come up to visit again later in the month of July, and everything seems like it's starting to fall back into place. I brought my bassplayer with me to attempt some more music writing with her. It was a lot of fun, and her family was REALLY happy to have me there, so I officially set up a trip for her to Florida.
August 2005: Here's where it all starts to come together. Now we're on my turf. We're spending a lot of time working on music; but I decide to start actually having my kind of fun with her. I take her out with me when I go out with worldly friends, and we have some drinks and generally act completely unwitness like. By the end of her week stay, we had gotten 2 things accomplished. 1- We had written and recorded a demo. 2- We finally realized we had feelings for each other. But I valued her friendship too much to really get into anything with her, so I told her it was best if nothing happened. Besides I thought she was still a little too innocent for me.
October 2005: We get a shot at getting a record deal/and tour deal, so her and I ditch the rest of the band, and spend the entire month at my friend's house(worldly) doing every drug we could find, drinking, and writing lots and lots of music. I found out she had slept with some guy in Michigan, and that she smoked cigarettes...this mixed with all the other things we were doing, and HEY, she was my kind of girl. So, we were smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. Too much. Our opportunity to make it big, and we blew it. We went back to her house with out tails between our legs. I went home back to Florida. And we suddenly really really really missed each other. I actually went home the 1st week of November.
November 2005: We break all the rules, and begin a relationship. And it was lovely. It really was. The 1st month we didn't get to see each other, but as you can imagine we spent the entire time on the phone practically.
December 2005: Yep, we're in love. She comes down with her mother to Florida and stays a bit. And we spend pretty much the entire final 15 days or so of December doing NOTHING except having sex and smoking. A LOT.
January 2006: We enjoy being free together and having all this sex and doing all these taboo things, that we decide if we were married, it really wouldn't have to be hidden anymore. We realize though, that we can't get married, unless she's pregnant. (if you're pregnant and 17 in FLA and GA you can get married). So, we go stay at my friend's house(who's a JW)and tell him we had eloped. So he lets us stay in the spare bedroom in his house, and we spend the next 3 weeks doing things and having sex in quantities that would make a people in a brothel gasp. And no pregnancy. By the end of January, we decide, hey, let's just get married the right way. We decide to plan a wedding and everything for March.
February 2006: So, on Superbowl Sunday, I go and buy her a ring, and I took her to the beach and proposed on one knee. It was a lovely moment. Then my Steelers won! I was happy as can be. Both of our families were so happy that we had went from being good friends to deciding to be married.
The wedding was changed to be in May. This was the downfall. It allowed time for all the loopholes in our behavior and lies to come apart.
In January I had already begun a JC for one issue, and all I will say about is that my #1 rule in life is : Never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut. (DeNiro, Goodfellas). I wasn't gonna take the blame, but I wasn't gonna name the guilty parties.
March 2006: I come back to Florida for my 2nd JC meeting; where I found that the lie we had told to the one brother about us getting eloped had been put into question. I held up the lie. After the meeting, her and I decided that we needed to come out with it and tell everyone that we had already been married and whatnot.
April 2006: I come out and tell her parents and my parents that her and I had eloped. Coincidentally, at the worst time possible, we discover she is about 6 weeks pregnant. After telling everyone the story of how we ran off and eloped, when people checked into it, and no such record existed; we came up with yet another lie of how we were eloped but got scammed, so no paperwork was filed. People were skeptical, but took our words for it.
Of course, being as we weren't married, the elders now said we had broken Jehovah's law, not deliberately, but had nonetheless. Yet another thing to add to my JC in Florida, and now she would have one in GA.
Well All the tension added up. We couldn't even get along due to all the stress and tension, and 2 weeks before the wedding, everything came to one insane argument between me and her and me and her parents, and everything was postponed. We had broken up.
I'm guessing because of the argument, her hormones from the pregnancy, and the fear of actually having her parents cut her off and take everything from her like before; she pampers her guilt, blames me for making her commit fornication only a few times and make her go and get married. So she is handed a public reproof. Her 3rd in 2 years, and 2nd in 6 months. Her last one was because she had got caught smoking. She also did a lot of damage control in that JC as well. She never told her most recent JC that she had continued smoking, nor has she stopped during her pregnancy to this day!
Me not knowing what she would say/do; I am open with my elders. I tell them the 100% truth about everything, and uncover all the lies we had told. I sit her and confess everything, and cooperate completely, and truthfully felt regret about doing it all, and I am handed a DF. They felt I was still not being completely honest. My appeal committee upheld the decision.
How unjust this organization is. If I had lied and sat there and blamed her for things, would I still be DF'ed? Or would I be reproved? Sadly I still love her, I have moved to a whole new state, where I have no family, since she and hers have completely turned their backs on me and are even slandering me now because of the things she's said. I will be a father in about 6 months, and they'd be happy if I decided to never have anything to do with the baby ever. Look at what being a part of this organization will do to people's hearts and actions! It's almost as if I am human. And the sad part is, her family still does not know the TRUTH about what happened between her and I. Not even the drugs, or the fact that she still smokes during pregnancy. And her elders support her throwing me under the bus, since I was never nice to those uppity and nosey jerks to begin with.

damselfly

Craziness isn't it?

I'm convinced they had their minds made up before I even opened my mouth in my JC.

I read on one of your other posts that your roomate is DF'd as well? And you've got "wordly" friends? Hoepfully they will be some sort of support for you.

So sorry about your ex, I hope she has a change of heart and allows you to see your child.

Dams

BecauseImBroken

Yeah DF'ed roomie. And here's my definition of a friend: someone who will ALWAYS be your friend. If I get df'ed and my "friends" won't talk to me...they aren't my friends. Sadly I do feel the elders in this situation already were set on DF'ing both of us, but she managed to weasel out of it. Her JC and my JC were assigned to work together in this matter by the WTS, and they told me and her so many lies, took things out of context, bent the truth, withheld facts, and worded questions in their interviews with others all in an obvious attempt to get us to incriminate ourselfs or one another. They managed to basically ruin my life. And if I didn't have a heart I'd grab a few cans of lighter fluid and light the KH on fire.

Lo-ru-hamah

Dang, BecauseImbroken, what an amazing story. I hope that you will get to have a relationship with your child and that she will relent, at least some.

when I was in Georgia, her and I were the only ones who didn't lead the cleanest lives if you catch my drift.

I have to argue with this though. You probably just didn't know them well enough. I have yet to meet that many witness kids that don't live a double life and I had been a witness my entire life. So, don't be too hard on yourself they just haven't gotten caught yet or they are elders kids.

Welcome to the board.

Loruhamah

penny2

((((BecauseImBroken))))

You and your ex are so young to have to deal with these matters. Your ex probably feels very vulnerable, being pregnant, and couldn't see herself getting through it without the support of her parents. She probably still believes that it's "the truth" so she has to submit to the JCs and pretend to live her life accordingly. If she still smokes, it's only a matter of time before she's "in trouble" again - unfortunately for her. JCs are awful - and so is the guilt you live with afterwards.

Broken, give yourself some time to come to terms with things and gain some peace of mind. Hope you have some family who will support you, if not then some good friends.

Stay in touch - there's lots of support to be found on this board.

penny2

BecauseImBroken

I stated that incorrectly

Out of everyone in the group, she was in the middle of her first Jc(drinking) and I had just gotten reinstated About a year before that. So both of us were the "cooler" ones in the group by everyone else's standards.

penny2

Broken, I agree they may be looking to disfellowship her. Great that you're not giving them any help in that regard!

BecauseImBroken

HA! My father got a phone call this morning; and the elder that called told him that although I am disfellowshipped, if I do not cooperate with them, my father's conscience should not allow him to continue as an elder. WOW. Their way or the highway? The funny thing is, my father and I live in 2 different states...why the hell should what happens with me affect his standing in his congregation? They REALLY are out for this girl's head.

Warlock

So your father is responsible for everything that you have, or have not done? Amazing! I hope he stands up to them.

Warlock

bebu

Sorry to read about this mess, broken. You are right about the pitfalls of leading a double life.

You are going to be a dad in 6 months? Find out what all your legal rights are. You will be wanting to see this child, and you may likely be financially supporting this child too, so you will have a long-term relationship with your ex-fiance (and her folks). Things may be a big mess now, but time will bring changes. Even with so much damage done, people (especially young ones) are surprisingly resilient.

I would advise not doing anything out of vindictiveness toward this girl--not that I think you want to. You want to make sure your relationship with her can work. Don't discount that she may be dealing with struggling much like you did, and may eventually leave on her own accord.

bebu

PS: Are you still doing drugs and drinking a lot? You are going to be a dad, a real responsibility. You need to quit whatever ultimately drags you down (though feels attractive for the moment). It might ultimately be a key to better developments in your saga, who knows?

Being a JW is smart; Until you do STUPID things to remain being one....

Share this