Hello everyone! I was directed to this site by a very kind ex-Witness who runs a Christian ministry in California. There are no words to express how thankful I am to be here.
Here is what I hope (key word) will be an abbreviated version of my story: I am 35 years old, single, the only child of JW parents who had already spent over ten years in various Watchtower capacities (two of those years as Gilead missionaries in Guatemala) before I was born. My father was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 11 and finally succumbed, after a valiant fight, when I was 14. Among the first doubts or questions I remember having was how a God of 'love' could just passively ignore the persecution (MALAWI!!!) or suffering of His people, especially those like my father who had given so much of themselves to a cause, and a God, they sincerely believed in. The typical hollow-sounding explanations of "It shows our integrity to Jehovah" or "Jehovah will remember him in the resurrection...it's JUST AROUND THE CORNER (this was over twenty years ago...)" just didn't cut it for me.
As if the challenges of a Witness upbringing were not difficult enough (kids can be so cruel when one of them is forbidden to eat birthday cake or join in holiday craft-making...), I have struggled my entire life with personal demons that made me further misunderstood by others, even my so-called 'brothers,' and which I am only now beginning to unravel. Most recently, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (a form of 'High-Functioning' autism, or HFA), which on the one hand was liberating since I now had an explanation for all of the awkward moments and invisible obstacles in my life, but on the other hand produced a sort of grief over so many lost years and missed opportunities--not to mention rage against the many 'brothers,' teachers, and other authority figures who had been so indifferent or tried to make me feel even smaller than I already did over issues I could not control. It would be very interesting for me to find out how many others have experienced their 'brothers' in general, and elders in particular, as seemingly incompetent or just plain unfeeling in the face of mental or emotional distress.
Though like most of you I have probably vacillated billions of times between 'should I go to the meetings?' or 'this isn't for me,' perhaps the first real 'breakthrough' occurred in 2000 during my second (and hopefully last) psychiatric hospitalization after a suicidal episode. I had received a typically uneventful visit from some elders, whose favorite advice at such times was that I was spiritually weak and needed to 'pray more' and 'study more' (I had already done plenty of both). The fact that their Scriptural counsel failed to help in any measurable way, combined with the accumulation of a lifetime's worth of endless chaos and alienation, led to what I could only call a total breakdown. There I was, a hysterical blob on the floor of a psych ward for all to see (but beyond caring what anybody thought). My roommate's Mormon parents, whom I had never seen before and probably never will again, each took one of my hands in theirs and prayed softly while a female orderly stroked my head and cried right along with me. At that moment a silent battle was going on in my mind...Where are my brothers, and why are they unable to help me?...But these are worldly people whom I am not supposed to trust, who are going to die at Armageddon and might very well take me down with them if I am not careful...All I can say is that the 'walls came down' that night and I could no longer see the world, or the people in it, in black and white as I had been taught. Not that that has necessarily made things any easier since then, but it was truly a defining moment if there ever was one.
A few months later, I heard about Commentary Press for the first time and ordered my copy of 'Crisis of Conscience.' It is one of the few books to ever really hold my focus and concentration almost uninterruptedly from beginning to end. The Malawi vs. Mexico fiasco was especially revealing (persecution on the scale of Malawi or Nazi Germany, and God's seeming indifference to it, has always been a sore spot with me).
Sometime in 2002 I learned of a local ex-JW support group here in Tucson. The group founder remembered me from his own brief involvement in the Organization approximately ten years before. Almost immediately I was welcomed with open arms by people I thought of as friends and who helped me out immensely, each in their own individual way. One taught me to meditate; another met with me regularly to share materials which countered the Witness mindset and later took me almost every weekend on visits to local historic sites and elsewhere; still another called me two or three nights a week to see how I was doing and ask my views on various spiritual topics; and all of us met socially once a month at local restaurants. I honestly felt that things couldn't be better for a lifelong Witness struggling to find their own way.
Trouble began, however, in 2004 as a result of strong disagreement between the group founder and counselor/deprogrammer (the one who had met with me to overcome my JW programming) as to how the group should be run. This friction escalated, polarizing the group and ultimately bringing it to an end. Sadly, my friendship with the group founder also ended at this time. The 'deprogrammer' and his wife maintained contact with me (which included the Saturday excursions) for some time longer, until a phone conversation approximately six months ago during which he raised his voice to me in anger (on a morning when I was hung over, despondent, and in no condition for verbal abuse). Though he later apologized in a voice message, there was no expressed interest in further reconciliation and I have not heard from them since. My last (apparently) surviving friend from the group, who always took it upon herself to stay in regular contact with me even after moving to Indiana, stopped responding to my voice and e-mails rather abruptly about a month ago.
At this time I believe that what matters most is for me to connect with other longtime Witness 'statistics' (e-mail is fine but I need local contact most of all). My therapist of two-plus years, my two other support groups (social anxiety and Asperger's), workmates, and my few other friends all do their very best to understand, but have all acknowledged that the special understanding of those who share my past is most crucial of all for my growth and 'recovery' (if it can be called that). Those messages hammered into my head years ago ('Worldly people don't make lasting friends'...'You'll see what happens if you ever leave Jehovah') are always there but especially difficult to ignore now. Common sense (i.e., the realization that returning to the Organization is NOT the answer and would just make things worse) has thankfully always come to the rescue, but every day is a struggle. Perhaps not surprisingly to some of you, all of this has contributed to yet another challenge--my heavy drinking habit.
For the time being my computer and Internet access is limited to work (I do not have a computer of my own), so I may not be able to log on or reply to messages as quickly as I would like, but I will do my very best.
Regarding some of the other recent posts I have encountered--it was enlightening to learn that there is 'nothing new under the sun' as far as this summer's conventions. I have missed most of the last several years and did not go at all last year or the year before. My mother (still active and living in the same apartment complex) usually begins putting the pressure on around this time of year, so it will be interesting to see what happens...
'Pratt1'--So very sorry to read about the death of your friend (in your 06/01/06 post). Don't be ashamed to cry, and remember that he will always live on in the pleasant memories that you have.
'Wing Commander'--Your 05/31/06 post in the "Personal Experiences and Reunions" section brought tears to my eyes. Hopefully one day I will be able to face life on the 'outside' with as much courage and determination as you have.
Thank you all for reading this. God bless you, and remember 'we are all in this together...'
"DesertRat"
Tucson, Arizona (a.k.a. "The Baked Apple")--105 plus degrees forecast all week