I left 13 years before my wife. Now in those 13 years, I did not ever believe she would leave the organization. Like you, we had a few ups and downs and it didn't matter that she could never answer any of my arguments or questions. She just refused to give it up. She tried as hard as her Witness training would let her to respect my stand (although she did guilt me in several meetings to help with the kids).
Our children are pre-teen, do I immediately stop allowing them to go to the KH? How do I explain our situation and begin "unteaching" them? How do I help them deal with missing the other kids at the KH?
We started our family after I had left. I agreed to let her raise them as Witnesses, but in all honesty neither child liked the Kingdom Hall or being a Witness. They hated service, hated the restrictions and my son slept through every single meeting. Naturally they asked me several times why I wouldn't go, and I would answer those questions (I believe the Witnesses are wrong about >fill in the blank<).
By the time they were 9 and 6 I was becoming very uncomfortable with the arrangement. My daughter (9) was really wanting out, questioning the whole thing more and more. Neither child really had any friends since my wife had an "unbelieving" husband they were pretty much ignored.
In all honesty, I don't know what I would have done. It was clear to me that the kids didn't want to go, so I think I would have approached my wife along the lines of letting the kids make their own decision to go or not. But again, I don't know. Thankfully I didn't have to face that one.
I think if your children want to stay away, they should give logical objections as to why rather than "Service is too hot" or "the meetings are boring". Challenging them to come up with a reasoned objection might teach them to begin thinking for themselves.
My wife...do I keep trying to get her out or be happy with the compromise we reached? When I stop going to the meetings I know she is going to get all kinds of "support", how do I (or should I) counteract this?
Nina didn't leave until she was ready. Believe me, I came up with years and years of objections, reasons, questions, problems that she and the elders could not answer. Didn't matter, as she saw herself as putting faith in Jehovah.
What finally happened was a confluence. When I first started on this board, I used to print out interesting threads and then I'd leave them for her to read (I worked nights back then) while she made the kids breakfast in the morning. I think that helped her realize that the arguments she'd heard from me and the problems we'd faced together were not just an isolated case. The one that seemed to make the most impression on her was AlanF's thread on the 2 GB members (1 was gay and the other a suspected child molestor).
The second thing that happened at the same time was our son came down with viral arthritis and was confined to a wheelchair. When she finally showed up at meetings again (6 weeks later) and her 6 year old son was in a wheelchair, not one elder asked or was concerned in anyway. I think she thought that it was one thing for the Witnesses to treat her badly, but not her children. So she left.
Again, I think she will leave when (or if) she's ready. Until then I think anything you do only serves to feed the Witness mindset and perhaps even drives a wedge between you two.
Where to from here? Well you could teach your children your truths and show them that you don't have all the answers. I think it's totally okay to show children that spirituality, the pursuit of understanding a Higher Power, isn't about having answers to everything. Many times it's about pursuit of the question itself. I think it's okay to teach them it's okay to ask questions without getting an immediate pat answer.
The same with you. Decide who you want to be, try on the idea of celebrating their birthday and see how it feels. Keep moving forward from there and see where it leads you.
Chris
