Hi CS 101
I don't live in UK. But I can offer some words on the subjects you wrote about. I found the organization of JWs the answer to my prayers when I started studying when I was 21. Came from an emotionally abusive homelife, married at 18, 1st child one year later and a second boy 3 years later. This was where I was at when I started studying. Just loved the "feel good" warm and fuzzies at the Hall. Took on different sisters as my "mother". Pioneered w/the help of others. Everything rosy. Two more kids came later.
After 21 years of a lot of hard work keeping up w/meetings and taking care of a family, I left. DAed myself. I won't go into all of the details. When I came out I didn't know what to do w/myself and my time. Because before everything was planned out for a person. I felt so guilty, but I knew that what had all transpired was not right.
Came close to committing suicide and then got help. My counselor said something that has stuck in my mind all of these years - she said, "Sounds to me like you are being harder on yourself than God would be".
You know in this org. they pound it into you that works (mtg. attendance, service, etc.) proves your faith in God. Therefore I never felt like I was good enough or could do enough to please Jehovah. So I burned out. All of my friends were nowhere to be found for help. They were busy knocking on doors and going to all of those mtgs. Working their way into Paradise!
I had no encouragement or understanding from my husband who also got out. He was a MS for many years. To make a very long story short, we eventually separated as he turned to another woman - he put no effort into comforting me while I spent my time in a fog (depression). He told my daughter about his tryst- like they say the women is the last to know. I moved in w/my daughter and her husband and took along my 2 dogs. I worked close to their home and this arrangement lasted for 2 years. I never cried so much in my life. I felt like my heart had been cut out. Then I moved w/them to another city all the while keeping up my counseling appts. Had to get another job, which did work out, and kept busy. But I was hurting so bad and since we had been married for over 30 years and had a lot of history I just couldn't let go. We got back together. Sometimes things are good; other times same old crap. My husband is a person who has good qualities, but has always had a problem with being a "know it all". Always has to have the final say/word. And also, once someone has cheated on you, your love for them is never the same. The trust has been broken. I always think he may be cheating again. I've suggested counseling for us, but for a person who has an ego problem this is not too appetizing of an idea. Atleast, now, I stand up to him and call him on crap. He doesn't like it, who would, but tends to back down. Just gets moody.
I wish now that I would've remained single and waited for my soul mate to come along. But I have to live w/my decision. I can feel your emptiness. All I can say is this: enjoy each day, your kids, your friends, simple things, set your boundaries with people (don't be pushed around anymore) and do what you can to bring some happiness to someone else each day.
I know the pain. I deal w/it almost on a daily basis, but those were my choices. I definitely don't want sympathy here; I'm just sharing my story w/you so that hopefully you won't feel alone with these feelings.
The best to you and peace,
Juni Just read your post Parakeet. Very well put.
