The Fourth of July, and Letting Go

under_believer

Background for those who are not aware of my situation: my wife is an active, faithful Witness. I am inactive and in the process of attempting to fade. We were both raised "in the truth." We have an unenumerated multiplicity of children.
Apparently, my wife and I were raised with really different standards. I was raised to take everything from the Society very seriously and literally, and regard it essentially (though it this was never explicitly stated) as coming from Jehovah. I took very seriously anything that was declared verboten; holidays, nationalism, politics, sports, you name it, I conscientiously avoided it. On the other hand, she was raised with a much more relaxed viewpoint on all of these matters.
So even though I'm the inactive one, even though I'm the evil wicked fader, even though I'm the one with the doubts and the apostate thinking, every once in a while she still does something that totally blows my mind.
Last night was case in point. We Americans celebrate our Independence Day on the 4th of July by getting drunk, having barbecues, and shooting off an unreasonable quantity of fireworks. This holiday is, of course, totally forbidden for Witnesses on the grounds that it's patriotic. During our dinner that evening, my daughter says "The 4th of July is a stupid holiday, right mom?" And my wife is like "Of course it is" and goes on to explain exactly why we faithful Witnesses don't celebrate Independence Day.
Even so, the kids were really excited about the fireworks (they're young.) My wife (the faithful Witness, remember) actually set up lawn chairs on the front lawn for everyone, got drinks, and we went out there with the kids and watched the show. After we sat out there for a while, she actually went back in the house, got some glow sticks--chemically luminescent little toys that you bend and then they glow--and gave them to the kids so they could run around our front yard swinging these glowing things. This was something that a lot of the celebrating kids were doing in our neighborhood. By the way she did all of this by her own initiative--I would have happily sat inside watching TV or something.
So--she's a lousy Witness, right? Right. Any elder driving by would have words for us the next morning, no doubt about it. Even watching the fireworks is considered evil by some Witnesses, and actually getting the glowsticks and joining in would give many Witnesses serious conscience problems.
The strange thing is, thoughout the night, I feel myself getting more and more upset. The anxiety grows bit by bit to the point where after about half an hour of this I can barely sit still, I'm practically in a state of terror! I am mystified as to the source of this anxiety, until it suddenly hits me--I'm upset that we are compromising by joining in the holiday celebration. What the HELL? I'm floored by this, but it's true--even though I don't even believe in or agree with the reasons behind the holiday ban, it still is upsetting me on a subconscious level that we're doing it.
How, I ask you, is it fair that I should be the one fading out on conscience issues, and yet I retain all these phobias and mental misfires, and my wife can keep her status as a Witness and yet not worry about holidays?

daystar

under_believer

Could it have been the hypocrisy that you were bothered by rather than the act itself?

beautifulisfree

I feel your pain!!!

I was also raised to believe they were from God. Yet, my sister who was raised in the same household didn't give a crap about the teachings and did what ever the heck she wanted. Now, I am the apostate and she's the over zealous witness...tellling ME I am bad....I really don't get it. It's like a little part of their brain is normal and wants to do normal things but the other part (witness) takes over and runs their life.

Confession

Hey, UB... I can relate with the multiple levels of your irritation and anxiety.

The last few years before I left, one of my best friends was an elder who was quite the murmurer. Had lots to say to me about his problems with the organization and the way things were done in the congregation. Although I'd been an elder previously, I wasn't then serving as one, and I used to get uncomfortable. Why did this guy keep telling me this stuff? Didn't he know it could be discouraging?

I used to ask him, "You know it's the Truth, don't you? Stuff like this will happen."

He was even the chairman of the judicial committee that disfellowshipped me. And, get this, two weeks after they did it, he called to, in part, tell me..."In hindsight, I'm not sure it was the right decision."

So imagine me (the DFd one) trying to encourage him (the guy who DFd him) that this was still "Jehovah's Organization," how we have to take the good with the bad, and not to worry--I'd be back in in no time.

Leolaia

Last night our street had a block party (I made rissoto and smoothies), and when it got dark, after shooting some fireworks, the kids got to play with sparklers. And my mind went back to the late '70s when I was their age, and one Fourth of July in particular in which I was playing with the neighborhood kids and they wanted me to join them in setting off firecrackers. And I was near our mailbox at the end of the street with the firecrackers in my hands -- I knew it was "wrong" to even handle those "pagan" things, and then my dad came out of the house to walk to me, and I felt so ashamed for participating in Independence Day activities, I dropped the firecrackers and went to my dad...Actually I shouldn't have expected him to be mad at me because he was not the Witness in the family, my mom was, and in fact he walked outside to tell me he had just got me a present. So I had a mix of shame and joy in that odd moment. And I thought about that as I saw the kids play innocently with their sparklers last night.

restrangled

I think your reaction is pretty common. Celebration of any holiday to JW's is one of the big, bad, No Nos. I love Christmas and all that goes with it, but to this day, on December 26th, the tree comes down and I feel a horrible sense of guilt, and a fear of getting caught with a tree in my house.

Logically, who cares, who would catch me and if some one did, its none of their business. No matter, that old JW guilt trip just keeps rearing it's ugly head.

r.

puck

i know what you mean, ub... i've only just started celebrating things in the past few years (due mostly to my wife), and still have a huge sense of guilt and a bit of horror that i've started celebrating any of the holidays that were so anathema to me when i was a witness... so don't tell my mom, okay?

under_believer

It definitely wasn't the hypocrisy, though that is... interesting. And I have pointed out on numerous occasions that I consider this hypocrisy, too, but it doesn't sink in. She really just has different, more relaxed standards than I do, which is clearly why she's able to maintain her position as a Witness when I am not.
Puck, your secret is safe with me. :)

serendipity

Hi ub

I think it's a blessing to have a JW wife with relaxed standards vs. a fanatic. You get to push the boundaries now to see how much normalcy y'all can have in your life. I wouldn't label it as hypocrisy. Why label it at all? Just enjoy....

asleif_dufansdottir

You know, a couple of years ago when I started posting on this board, I remember saying that I thought that there were only 2 kinds of JWs left in the org:

1.-the ones whose whole life and family were so wrapped up in it they had no where else to go

2. the ones who only followed the rules when it was convenient for them, and ignored them when it wasn't.

(it occurs to me there may be a 3rd type - the power hungry who are rewarded by the org with petty kingdoms to run and people to bully)

Those of us who tried our damndest to toe the line and who got sick watching the rules get bent into a pretzel or just plain ignored, got burned out or just figured out "Jehovah's clean organization" and its rhetoric about keeping the congregation clean, was just a lie and got the heck out.

The Fourth of July, and Letting Go

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