Lifetime raised JW's did you find your parents sick with obsession?

by restrangled 17 Replies latest jw experiences

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  restrangled

  What has come back to me and what I have realized through this website is that my mother was probably mentally very sick with this religion for most of her life.

  It was a sickening obsession to obey, tattle, feel extreme guilt, turn in family members, and never, ever measure up no matter what she did. Endless months of pioneering, meeting attendance and studying for meetings were not enough .....ever....She is now 73 years old and still trying to pioneer in the exhausting heat of Florida. In her full time pioneering days she came down with breast cancer. Her mindset? Just let me get beyond the treatment so I can get back out in service. She felt so guilty about not getting her time in she had to go to the elders to get the OK in her mind to get treatment. She even confided with a DO because she felt so guilty about being registered as a fulltime pioneer and not fullfiling her promise to the Society. THIS IS SO G..D.....SICK!

  Fast Forward 10 years:

  She bought a home large enough to host the book study, 2000 square feet for an old widow this is a lot of square footage to maintain. She is within 2 walking blocks of the KH.

  The above life outlook was in turn firmly instilled in her children. We never could please her, or the society. No matter how good we were, or how much we did, the bottomless pit could not be filled. I myself have been miserable trying to balance my own life and her expectations, I have one brother dead at 19, and a younger brother a wild Harley rider covered in Tatoos who has no use for anyone. He hates my mother, and he and I don't really get along although I always adored him when he was little.

  It just goes on and on.

  Sorry, more of my BS life in the JWs

  r
• 

  looking_glass

  We never could please her, or the society.

  R - this was my conversation to my mother years ago. When she tried to guilt me into going to the hall once again, I just explained that since it was never enough for her (even though I was a very good kid, regular pioneered, served where the need was great, etc.) it was still not enough for her or the society. For her, because I did not spend all my free time studying she b*tched at me. (Granted she was no where near what other people's parents were like). For those in the hall I was bad just because I was a young girl and I had breasts (so obviously I was a harlot). The elders felt that I should be doing more just because as an imperfect human, I could not possibly be pleasing to Jah.

  That being said, I finally told her that I am done. I am living my life for ME. Hang everyone else and what they want. If that means that she runs herself into the ground, that is her choice. She have an agreement. I listen to her 5 to 10 minutes of JW crap and that is it.

  In the end you have to live your life and move on. It is hard, but it IS possible.
• 

  reneeisorym

  It has sent my mother into depression. I've seen her on so many anti-depressants. She's not really mentally ill, I'm sure. She just can't ever feel that she's good enough! She's really the sweetest person on earth and has every right to be confident about herself. Its sad what this cult does to people.
• 

  SirNose586

  Yeah, my folks are on anti-depressants, among the pills that they take. Although my folks never went to that extreme of feeling guilty for not being able to pioneer, but some discretion is needed.
  The days are hotter than last summer. My mom tried to go out in FS and ended up not feeling good the rest of the day. I think she should just cool it until the weather cools down, but of course, the guilt will probably make her want to pound the pavement again...
• 

  Roo

  I can totally understand where you're coming from. My mother professes to be one of the anointed and has been regular pioneering since I was in junior high. This meant if she had a "good call" to make, I was picked up an hour or so late from school. If I missed a meeting because I had too much homework, I wasn't spoken to for a few days. If you were home sick from school, she'd check on you in between bible studies if possible. She actually told me that when she found out she was pregnant....she feared she would have to give birth in the woods because the end of the world was so close (1973). Therefore, she promised Jehovah if he took care of her that she would "give her baby" to his service. There was so much pressure to auxillary pioneer during the summer break but I wanted her approval and love. Needless to say, she's not proud of who I've become.

  Eventually, you just have to come to terms with the fact that you'll never have a "normal relationship" if you have one at all. I still choose to talk to her, but I only get as close as I feel comfortable with. I don't need the negativity in my life.......it would only bring me down. I respect the fact that she is my parent and really tried to do what she thought was in my best interests, I just don't see things from her point of view. I used to be so angry about things that happened, but I felt so much better to let it all go. Now I truly feel sorry for her and the fact that she must be so miserable trying to live up to someone else's expectations and sacrificed the relationship with her children to do so.
• 

  restrangled

  Sadly, my mother is not on anti-depressents despite the fact that she has stated for years she'd rather be dead so she can get into the new system. She has proclaimed for years that she is waiting to die, and that this life holds nothing for her.

  I always thought, if you can't find any joy now in this life, that god has given you, why would you be any happier in a future life?

  I asked her this question and was given the following answer: I will be able to pet large exotic cats, I won't remember my present bad children, I will see my 19 year old son again, and my mom and dad again, and I will be young again in the new system.

  GREAT STUFF FOR ANY KIDS RELATED TO HER AT THIS POINT.

  R.
• 

  itsallgoodnow

  Yes, the whole family is all pretty screwed up, especially parents, but they thought they wanted and needed this cult. Their ignorance and weakness made them join it, just like my weakness and need to please others made me join it. My feeling is they would have been miserable people with or without it, maybe somewhat less miserable over some issues, but they hang on to it because it gives them something they need, at great cost to their mental health. It's a sad thing to watch happen, but there's nothing I can do for them. I can only protect myself from any further damage.
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  LDH

  Eventually, you just have to come to terms with the fact that you'll never have a "normal relationship" if you have one at all. I still choose to talk to her, but I only get as close as I feel comfortable with. I don't need the negativity in my life.......it would only bring me down. I respect the fact that she is my parent and really tried to do what she thought was in my best interests, I just don't see things from her point of view. I used to be so angry about things that happened, but I felt so much better to let it all go. Now I truly feel sorry for her and the fact that she must be so miserable trying to live up to someone else's expectations and sacrificed the relationship with her children to do so.

  Roo,

  This is a very powerful statement, and also reflects how I feel. Many on the thread have commented that although they were good kids and pioneered on summers etc, it wasn't enough to get any approval. You're never 'finished'--always working harder on doing more to please parents that seem to have no capacity for positive reinforcement or validation.

  That relationship exactly mirrors what the WBTS teaches their followers. There is never a stopping point, you are pushed beyond exhaustion and there is never any positive feedback. They always quote the scripture, "Well done good and faithful slave, you were doing what you ought to have done."

  My own mother used to say this all the time and it left me with an empty feeling kind of like, why can't you just say "Well done" and leave it at that?

  So they are merely parroting what they themselves are subjected to.

  Great thread.

  Lisa
• 

  Nowman

  What a subject!

  I was an only child. Dad an elder, mom a regular pioneer. My parents were completely obsessed. To share some examples, Six Flags Great America in Gurnee Illinois, a roller coaster called the Demon. I was not allowed to ride it because of the name. My dad had a best friend that was an elder and he did not let his daughter ride the Demon either because of the name and therefore, my dad said I couldn't. I went to High School next to Great America, had a season pass, when my parents were not with me, I rode the Demon. I was just there with my kids, took them on the Demon as many times as I could, I was obsessed with riding the Demon just for the gratification! lol.

  I had to sit between my parents at every meeting. Yet, when I was 15 this kid who was a JW, dad was an elder, killed his parents (this has been talked about on this site before) and my parents found the bodies. At the funeral, we went to sit down together as we normally do and before I sat down, I told my parents that I could no longer sit bewtween them because it gave me the creeps, Willie always sat between his parents! To my surprise, they agreed.

  In 1989, my parents went on this "fit for life" diet. Therefore I did too. I starting losing weight. Eventually, they started weighing me every morning. I was not allowed to be under 105. If they weighed me and I was at 103 (because of fluctuation), we would get home from the Tuesday night meeting and my mom would pour a tall glass of milk and force me to eat 5 cookies. Then they would weigh me the next morning, I still did not gain weight. This would happen every night (late) until I did. Note that I was just so busy that my metabolism was great. Eventually, I was so worried about being weighed that I wound up later having an eating disorder. Freaks!

  If my parents did not feel I made enough notes and highlites in the studies we had to prepare for, they grounded me or gave me some form of disipline. Every preporation for certain studies, I was so stressed out! Worried so bad that I felt I was getting ulcers. I spent my entire childhood walking on my toes.

  There are so many things! Later in life, after eight years of not seeing my mom (have not seen or talked to my dad since Oct 1992), we reunited (Ive posted this before), found out she had been diagnosed with severe dispression and she also became an alchoholic. Growing up, she had the signs, but I just thought it was normal. She has been DFd for 5 years now, and has been over 3 years sober, I am so proud of her. But, these days we talk about the obsessions of my childhood and she apologizes every single time, shes so full of guilt. I tell her its OK, I hold no grudges. I just did not know she was sick, she was still in the org so deep, she did not know any better. I forgave her. She has her life back now.

  Nikki
• 

  mrsjones5

  My mother has gone through bouts of depression for as long as I can remember. At this point in time Mom is just stone cold crazy and she has dragged my father (oh he has gone willingly) along with her.

  We never could please her

  Story of my siblings and I's life. No matter how good we do it ain't good enough and if anything goes wrong it's an excuse to prove that we should be back in the bOrg.

  I'm with Roo, at this point and time I really don't want to deal with their negativity anymore.

  Josie