Did you forget how to make friends?

by AK - Jeff 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  blondie

  Skills can be learned and re-learned. Believe me, non-JWs have the same problem and question. Why else would there be so many books on the topic of making friends.

  Six ways to make people like you

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
  6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

  http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html#two

  The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore (Hardcover) by Marla Paul The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections (Hardcover)
  by Roger Horchow , Sally Horchow Overcoming Loneliness And Making Friends (Paperback) by Marianna Csoti "
• 

  cyberdyne systems 101

  I think its fair to say that whether you've come from a JW background or not, all people can find it difficult to make friends. Perhaps our background creates an additional difficulty, but the fact that we are all here interacting with former JW's current JW's and people who have never been, shows we have some if not all the ability to be friendly and make friends. Its really about being with people, maybe having a common interest is the key? I guess we need to look at our other interests and see if those could bring us to other people. It sure does take time and confidence to make new friends, especially when most of us have lost family and former friends. My own situation is that I have met some from here which I mail/message, some from work that i'm trying to expand upon. I also have an interest in old VW's and have a few people I know from the shows i've attended, there are clubs for that too which I could join - except I work on the evenings they meet!

  CS 101
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  I've made a couple of genuine friends since I left, but I don't find it easy to trust people. I suppose it's the antipathy towards non - jws I built up over the years as a witness still affecting me. I wasn't born in, but 25 years of being told that unnecessary association with "worldly" people is wrong does take a bit of shaking off. I did go to a couple of nightclubs with a couple of work colleagues in my first few weeks out, but that really isn't my scene, and neither is joining sports/health clubs.

  I am gradually learning, or rather re - learning social skills, and being with dedpoet means I have a good teacher, but I prefer the quiet life really. I'm not much of a drinker, though I enjoy a glass of red wine, more often than not at home, with an occasional visit to the pub. I still spend quite a large proportion of my free time on this forum, and I can't see that changing any time soon. It's far more entertaining being on here than watching TV, which I've never been that interested in anyway.
• 

  be wise

  It's been a while since I was back here. It seems to have changed a lot for the better. That's not to say better people are posting - that there is a sense that people that are posting are more focused. It's kinda hard to process all that is said because it's more focused than previously, that is.

  When I stopped posting was when I felt I had "figured it out" that is I had been deprogramed and it was like starting from scratch. If that was deprograming then some people might think, what is programming?

  Is programming the "great stuff" that really matters and all that stuff

  be wise
• 

  Crumpet

  I just read Simon's points - and they are good ones.

  The way I look at it is that the friends I'm making here and via apostafests understand me a lot better than my other friends. And being with people who really "get you" is very appealing. But then I have friends who I rarely discuss personal stuff with at all - movie buddies, drinking buddies, dinner party buddies etc - its not like I deliberately categorise and some buddy groups meld into others and others would simply never mix ...

  However I think it would be unwise to put all eggs in one basket and not socialise outside of the forums and communities. Balance is the key.
• 

  Scully

  One of the differences between real friends and JW Friends™ that I realized at one of my loneliest points, is that it takes time to cultivate real friendships. The WTS provides you with "instant" Friends™ and you're expected to be friends with The Friends™ simply because they are JWs. They aren't real friends, but friends of convenience. If you move away, you rarely hear from these Friends™ again. If you decide that you no longer wish to be JWs, all your Friends™ abandon you or shun you. That's not real friendship. It's not even a reasonable facsimile of friendship.

  Just like the WTS's counterfeit brand of Education™ held me back from going to college for 10 years and learning skills that would help me survive economically, they held me back for 25 years by providing a counterfeit brand of Friends™ so that I did not have to learn how to make real friends or have the patience to cultivate genuine friendships.

  But I did go to college and get an education and a career and am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel financially, and I have learned to make friends, real friends who like me for who I am, not for how many hours are on my Field Service Report™ or whether I have relatives higher up in the WTS food-chain. In the interim, I learned to be my own friend, too, which I think is a very important skill that we need to learn.
• 

  AK - Jeff

  Wonderful comments.

  Blondie - I recognised that first list from Dale Carnegie right away. I had the book and took the course at one time. The name of the book is of course "How to Win Friends and Influence People" - appropo in this thread I would say.

  Scully - your comment;

  The WTS provides you with "instant" Friends™ and you're expected to be friends with The Friends™ simply because they are JWs. ; They aren't real friends, but friends of convenience. ; If you move away, you rarely hear from these Friends™ again. ; If you decide that you no longer wish to be JWs, all your Friends™ abandon you or shun you. ; That's not real friendship. ; It's not even a reasonable facsimile of friendship.

  Right on target. The 'instant' is not there any longer is it? And the reality is that it never was, as you state. It, like all the rest of the Watchtower Ozland is but a ploy in the overall strategy of confinement within the cult's ranks, I fear.

  To turn the angle of the question just a tad - for the benny of the more recent posters and exiters of the borg - how long did it take you to make the needed moves toward friendship - one on one friendships, handshake or a hug friendships? For me it took perhaps a solid year or more after I got here on JWD, before that I was just completely lost in space. JWD has served a marvelous tool to me in that area, to the point that this year [shameless plug] I am sponsoring a small apostafest here in my town - maybe in my home if the crowd is small. And the wonderful thing about is that I am not dependent now on just former witnesses to gain friendship - though as stated it is nice to know some who 'know where one is coming from" due to JW background. Those friendships - though they may be long distant ones - might just prove to be lifelong and wonderful.

  Jeff
• 

  bikerchic

  I don't have a problem making friends, it's keeping them that I find problemic. I'm sure what Scully said is my biggest problem:

  it takes time to cultivate real friendships

  I plainly don't take the time! Oh and this:

  I learned to be my own friend, too, which I think is a very important skill that we need to learn.

  I have found that I like myself best and have very little room for others, I keep myself so busy and I'm such an interesting person to be around.....oh vay! LOL
• 

  tijkmo

  I don't know. I was raised a JW and I don't think that I will ever fit in anywhere not even 2.5 years later do I think I have any social skills at all.

  well its been 4 years for me.. i had lots of friends...and i loved company...loved visiting and being visited...and now i dislike going out or having visitors mostly because i dont have anything in common with anyone...i dont have any interest in drink drugs smoking etc..i still do go out occasionally but usually its by myself..its not ideal but i have gotten so used to it now that i prefer it that way
• 

  diamondblue1974

  i dont have any interest in drink drugs smoking etc..i still do go out occasionally but usually its by myself..its not ideal but i have gotten so used to it now that i prefer it that way

  Thats not all that people are interested in though Tij...there are no reasons (other than those you impose on yourself) for you to cut yourself off; my time out of the WTS has taught me what friendship is about, its taught me how to be a good friend (which is the most important) and what to look for in others.

  The WTS mentality would have you believe that everyone outside of the witnesses is evil and demonised and part of 'this wicked system' and further more doomed. They would also have you use a misplaced spiritual criterion for selecting friends too (as Scully has already highlighted) when in reality this could not be more erroneous.

  Its sad that you prefer your own company Ian but truly I think you are missing out on massive opportunity in cutting yourself off.

  DB74