Marriage in a newly divided household

choosing life

I feel like there are now 3 persons in my marriage-me, my mate and the watchtower society. We used to think alike on most things. But now every coversation ends in an argument. What the watchtower says holds no weight with me and what I believe holds no weight with my mate. I've never kept secrets but I can't mention much of what I know to be true-not that my mate would want to know. We still love each other, but this is a big hurdle. Our goals and aspirations are so different. On top of that, we have children both in and out. I feel responsible for messing everything up, but I can't stomach the deception anymore. I know my staying home is causing hurt and depression. Sometimes I feel I should just pretend and play the game to make them happy. But I've been doing that for so long alresdy. I just want a normal life,but there's no way to achieve that. How did I get into such a mess? Any suggestions?

What-A-Coincidence

Unbelieving Mate Counselors will be with you shortly. Please hold.

carla

Hello, welcome to the ubm (unbelieving mate) club. Sorry for your situation I know exactly how you feel. No matter where you go or what you do there is always a third wheel along with you. Instead of the 'other woman or man' it is an org that you can't fight. How do you fight something that offers salvation and a paradise earth?

There is no one way to go about this whole mess, there is no magic bullet. Everyone has some great suggestions but not everything works with all people. Until someone is has success in getting their spouse out and is capable of getting others out with the same technique, remember it is only advice to try and hope it works out. You are not a failure by not being able to get your loved one out, your marriage is not a failure, you are up against something that most people will never have to deal with. The loss of a mate but still having to live with that mate. Sometimes it's like living with someone who broke up with you. Other times there are shades of the real person that comes through and good times can be had.

As for the jw stuff? I personally have never let my kids any where near a kh and never will. My kids have been educated about the org. If they are old enough to study the Holocaust in school and all its horrors they are old enough to learn the horrors, lies, etc... of the org. Besides, my jw has had some profound personality changes since joining this cult and the kids see it and I can tell you none of the changes are for the better.

There are numerous threads and sites on how to try to reach a jw about the truth about the 'truth'. Study and research before you try anything. Steve Hassans books are helpful, 'Combatting Mind Control' and 'Releasing the Bonds'. They are good place to start. What not to do? Don't go in guns blazing with the falsehoods, scripture twisting, pedophile issue, blood issue, UN, and all the other scandals. In my experience it serves to only validate the jw mind of us worldlies being of satan and trying to keep them from studying the 'bible'. Yes, I know they don't study the bible but they think they do.

Good luck, post often, vent when needed, it does help. Your not alone (it only feels like it at home)

all the best, carla

SPAZnik

(((choosing life)))

Gregor

Try this.

CL
read 1 Peter chap. 3. It's only about half a page. In a way it presents a strategy for you that your husband would have to respect and at the same time you might be able to make a few points with him in exposing the WTS.
The first part of the chapter talks about the relationship between husband and wife and how our conduct and attitude should eliminate harsh words in the marriage. Then, in vs. 14, 15 16 It talks about a how believer should respond when questioned about their beliefs. They are instructed tobe ready to give a thorough answer with calmness and respect. This could open the door to your tactfully asking him loaded questions. It also is a good scripture to have as an answer when he or the elders start trying to box you into saying something "apostate".

GoingGoingGone

Hi chosing life!

I'm in the same situation as you. I started fading a few years ago, I was almost positive that it wasn't 'the truth', and I couldn't stand being at the meetings anymore and listening to that crap. My 2 kids had been raised as JWs their entire lives, my husband and I were both raised in 'the truth', and we were The Perfect Family, good examples, everyone answering at every meeting and in service all the time, etc. Leaving was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

When I finally got online and became sure that I was on the right track with my life, I had to make a decision. Do I keep going to meetings to keep our many, many JW friends, keep peace in my marriage, and not pull the rug out from under my teenage kids - this was, after all, the only belief system they had ever known. Or do I continue to fade because I can't pretend to worship in a way that I believe is wrong.

I decided to fade. In the last 2 years, I've had marriage problems, been snubbed by every friend who is aware that I'm not going to meetings anymore (some of those in the last town we lived in don't know, and still treat me the same.) I've been visited by the elders, by the circuit overseer, and thought at times that my marriage was over. But the sense of freedom that I now feel makes up for all of it. I am free to believe what I want. I am free to think, to make friends, to have opinions, to allow my horizons to expand in directions I never thought they could. I have showed my kids what I've learned, and they have both told me that they will never be JWs. And the last couple of months, even my husband has come around and seems to be accepting the fact that he's a JW, I'm not, and is leaving me alone with my beliefs. He's finally looking at me as a person again, as the woman he married, and not as someone who is slacking in their JW duties. At least I hope that's what's happening.

Not too long ago, afraid that I would be DF'd, I said to someone on this forum that I have no friends who aren't JWs. He replied, "Nonsense! I'm your friend!" as are many of others that I've met on this site. Maybe not in person yet, but the support you get from a place like this is amazing. So don't underestimate that, either.

There will be rough times, that's for sure, but it gets better with time. Be patient. We're here whenever you need to vent!

GGG

love2Bworldly

ChoosingLife-- Sorry for your situation, it sounds very difficult.

I'm not sure what advice to offer because I've never been in your situation. You might try a slow fade rather than quitting cold turkey--it's worked for some people. Wish you the best.

choosing life

Thanks for the replies and help. I'll keep 1 Peter 3 in mind,Gregor. Carla and GGG, thanks for the support. My kids are grown and on their own and I don't have much influence on them. They are very witness oriented and disapprove of my actions. My youngest is to be disfellowshipped shortly, but they think they deserve it and nobody can see the cracks in this insanity yet. Now, I am not supposed to talk to them per their request and it is breaking my heart.

Pistoff

AW man, i sympathize. I went through the intense emotional disconnect in 2002; it does get better but I remember that what now feeling.

I plant seeds where I can with my wife; it helps that she does not respect the elders, as they have meddled and mucked up everything they touch that we are involved in.

Hang out here; lots of good peoople here, and some really great minds.

P

sspo

I am where you are but just in a worst situation. As a family in the truth we were the most examplary and did it all for Jehovah and the friends in the cong.

Now that i found out about all the lies of the watchtower, well, I spoke way too much and too fast that i have been labeled an apostate by my wife, taken before the elders and got divorce papers from my wife after 26 years of marriage.

So if you want to save your marriage, take your time and bite your tongue when you really want to blow up.

Hang in there

Marriage in a newly divided household

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