Does it feel good to hurt? Why do we make ourselves sad? (page 3)

DanTheMan

Beethoven's fifth makes me real sad and yes even a few tears might come out, but it makes me feel so alive too, probably more than any other piece of music.

Profound huh

serendipity

Sometimes when I'm down, and I know a good cry will help me, I think sad thoughts to facilitate the tears.

I know for me sad songs or movies often were the only way for me to release my pent up emotions. I was taught not to cry; that my "crocodile tears" were just a way to manipulate others or that my tears were a sign of weakness. I was also taught that if I cried it would make others angry to the point of offering to "give me something to cry for".

Movies provided an outlet where I was not threatened with a beating although I was laughed at for crying.

The down side of this though was that I was never releasing or feeling connected to the real source of my sadness. So the depression remained

It took a long time but I finally understood the need to deal with the real causes of my sadness, anger, and depression.

I still cry at sad movies but it isn't the same as it used to be.

And most importantly I can now cry for me when I need to.

poppers

"I've noticed that there are certain songs, movies, memories, etc that make me sad. There is even a category of music we call "sad songs". It seems obvious that we would never listen to something that makes us sad. And yet I do, and so do many others."
A large part of one's identity is invested in "sadness", and those things which remind us of sad events from the past are a way to help maintain that identity, or egoic structure. Notice how "sadness" spins around a story we tell about ourselves, stories which are triggered by certain songs, movies, and memories.
Now, what if you asked yourself, "Who is the "me" that seems to be sad?" and then actually look for it, look for "me". See if you can find anything beyond your IDEA of who this "me" is. Your ideas of "me" will change, so does it make sense that those ideas are what you really are? Can you BE an idea? Can "you", the real you, be something that changes?
Once there is the realization that you cannot BE an idea then what are you really? "You" must be something that doesn't change, so see what it is that never changes. Once you find that, then "sadness", as well as other troubling feelings, will no longer be problematic.

free2beme

Sadness is a natural part of life and it helps us to develop as humans and often learn from mistakes from our past and even to remember key important events, people and places. No one ever said life was easy.

sass_my_frass

I've thought about this a lot, mostly because I've emerged from a depression that lasted, oh let's say fifteen years. Go on gimme a hug, thanks. The issue is the difference between a sad mood, and being sad. Sorry about the word game; but from what I could tell, being lulled into a sad mood by a song or a sad movie or a sad book etc, isn't necessarily a dangerous thing when one is prone to depression or is going through a sad time. I found that it was healthy to approach sadness from a different angle and get another perspective on it. It made mine more interesting and gave it some legitimacy. And my depression was only going away when I took control of my life.

I like your perspective on this and now that I'm no longer suffering from depression I can go along with it, but when I was depressed I wouldn't have been able to; that's because when I was depressed, I wasn't Sass, I was Depression. Even before I knew it had a name, I just had a deep inner sadness that was about ego, love, achievement, intimacy, loyalty. A total vacuum of the emotions that you have when you're okay with your life, ie, when you're not depressed.

I wish I'd written more when I was depressed so that I could explain it better. I can't even touch it now. That's probably a good thing.

poppers

"I like your perspective on this and now that I'm no longer suffering from depression I can go along with it, but when I was depressed I wouldn't have been able to; that's because when I was depressed, I wasn't Sass, I was Depression."
Exactly - we become so identified with our mental/emotional states that we literally THINK/FEEL we ARE those. This thinking/feeling overshadows what we actually are. As you stated, "I was depression" - that's how powerful, how strong identification is.
We do this with most everything: I am smart, I am dumb, I am angry, I am this that and the other. None of those is true. "You" are something else, something in which those things arise. "You" are what sees those things arising, the witnessing consciousness beneath/beyond it all.

Sunnygal41

Another thing I've read/heard is that tears that are cried in sadness and tears that are cried in joy have a different chemical makeup...........I found that pretty amazing and cool..........I remember one time telling a therapist that it felt good to cry, but, what surprised me was that instead of being happy that I could cry and express sadness and anger in those tears, he was worried. I'm guessing that he was worried that I would get hung up in a loop of replaying those emotions, instead of clearing them and moving forward............great topic, Dave!

Sad emo

I just had a deep inner sadness that was about ego, love, achievement, intimacy, loyalty. A total vacuum of the emotions that you have when you're okay with your life, ie, when you're not depressed.

Sass, you described exactly how I'm feeling now. Life just doesn't feel too good at the moment and I'm fighting a strong desire to 'become invisible'. I'm not feeling anything but sadness - but (as another also wrote) feeling sad reminds me I'm still on the planet and alive. In a way it's a kind of coping mechanism for me.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but I'll eventually get low enough to get angry and start fighting my way back up and hopefully sort out a little more of the tangled mess that is my life. I haven't learnt how to cry 'properly' yet, maybe I wouldn't get so low if I could cry.

Lady Lee

Sunnygal

Another thing I've read/heard is that tears that are cried in sadness and tears that are cried in joy have a different chemical makeup...........I found that pretty amazing and cool..........

I could be wrong but I believe that it is something like 78 toxic chemicals that get released when we have sad tears

I remember one time telling a therapist that it felt good to cry, but, what surprised me was that instead of being happy that I could cry and express sadness and anger in those tears, he was worried. I'm guessing that he was worried that I would get hung up in a loop of replaying those emotions, instead of clearing them and moving forward

Sadly there are far too many therapists who don't understand the need to release all the toxic emotions we carry with us daily. I have worked with well over 600 abuse survivors. Most learned very early that crying was a no-no in their family. Like me they learned that it resulted in negative responses from family members. So we lock it up and release it only when no one is around or we learn to keep it in. Unfortunately this too frequently results in stress related illnesses. The first therapist I talked to about my abuse sat and cried while I related my story without any emotion. Watching her cry for all the things I had numbed myself too was an amazing release. Someone outside of my fa,ily realized what I went through was bad. Bad enough to cry about. It gave me permission to see my life and abuse experiences were not "normal" (noit something every one goes through). Sitting on the other side of the desk I had clients think that they were triggering my pain. I would have to explain to them that my tears were for the terrible things they went through. They were so numbed (like I used to be) that they too had no emotional response. If a therapist has not done their own work on dealing with their emotional responses to life they may be very uncomfortable watching some one else get in touch with themselves. It might be triggering them and they need to bury it. It isn't easy as a therapist to know I have to take someone down a road that will dredge up all those painful experiences. But I have sat and cried with them, put a hand on a shoulder, passed the kleenex, and even held them as they sobbed in my arms. If I, as the survivor can't go there, then how on earth can I help someone else to go there.

Does it feel good to hurt? Why do we make ourselves sad?

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