Lack of Trust

XJW4EVR

Having been raised in this cult I still struggle with trust issues. I just can't bring myself to speak about certain things to people that I have formed a relationship with. I have such a phobia of having that bond of trust broken, that I won't allow myself to be open to people that I have known, and are good friends. People that I know have a track record of keeping confidences.

Is this just me, or is this something some of you have experienced? I won't tell anything people have told me in confidence. I value that trust too much to allow it to be broken. I just find it odd that I can't talk to my friends about stuff that I am going through. Internal conflicts and the like. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think that being out of the Borg since 1991 I would have gotten over this phobia, but it's still there.

Any advice?

drew sagan

I think this very common with people who have gone through a situation like this.
There are a few things that I think are important in this. One, we need to recognize how we fell into the 'trap' of having our trust violated. Did I just give people the benifit of the doubt, without really thinking about it? That's what I did. I really trusted the JW, and handed my mind over to them only to ask for it back years later. I also failed to see that trust and friendship are CONDITIONAL in the organization, which is another factor in holding back in new relationships outside of the borg.
So now I try to balance the two the best I can. I try and remember what made me be to trusting way back when, and build my new relationships with respect and caution. It's not perfect, but when your a JW and you finally see it's not the truth there is something that changes in you. You'll never be as trusting as you once where.

Smiles_Smiles

No particular advice. I just wanted to send you a hug.

Know that you are not alone. If you read the posts on this site you will find many stuggle with not being able to trust (themselves as well as others) and not being "open" (to people or life in general). Fear can easily drive and determine our decisions especially when we were so conditioned to live life in fear as a JW.

Of course those who have moved past it have found a way to trust ... to trust ourselves, others and life (the journey). I wish you that in your life. I do not claim to know how to get you there because what worked for me personally may not work for you. But I can say that if you are opened to be moved to a less fearful more trustful place in your life, it WILL happen. Hang in there.

thecarpenter

Well personally, I think that it is important to be discreet. I tell people personal things all the time but if someone tells me something in confidence, I keep it secret. I think trust is a important part in friendship. On the other hand, there are people who tell nothing about themselves to other people which is counterproductive. If I tell someone something private about myself (I like bathe with rose petals in the tub, hehehe), I would like to know something about you (you like to do what?!?, you dirty slimeball!!!). It is good for friendship.

thecarpenter who doesn't really bathe with rose petals in the tub class

thecarpenter

note: do something that scares you everyday. It is good therapy to conquer your fears and is a tremendous confidence booster.

juni

Drew said a lot of good stuff in his response. I want to add that for me TRUST is a big issue. People have to EARN my trust. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I have to be careful. I don't want to become paranoid either.

The thing is people are imperfect - some KNOWINGLY LIE AND MISLEAD YOU ( those kinds I have no use for) and for others THEY'RE JUST HUMAN AND REALLY DON'T HAVE BAD INTENTIONS OR ARE OUT TO HURT YOU.

You just have to be careful and seek a balance. When I came out I didn't trust ANY ONE. But I found that I was not liking the person I was becoming. So I feel more balanced now. And much happier for it.

Juni

note: do something that scares you everyday. It is good therapy to conquer your fears and is a tremendous confidence booster

O.k. Carpenter. Any suggestions? I could end up dead. Juni

thecarpenter

I don't mean jumping off buildings. There are things that you would like to do but fear holds you back. Fear now serves as a shackle to keep you from doing many positive and wonderful things. Example: Social anxiety, many people have a fear of meeting people, then you should deliberately go out and meet people (join a club, go dancing, etc...). Fear of heights, start going to high buildings and looking out windows or go on the roof and look down and talk rationally to yourself that nothing will happen. Whatever scares you, take reasonable precautions to give yourself a legitimate chance of succeeding and conquering your anxieties. It is a tremendous confidence booster.

thecarpenter looks at a tub filled with rose petals and says to himself, 'I am not a sissy, I am not a sissy...'

XJW4EVR

Perhaps a little bit of explanation. The other day I was reflecting on the good friends I have. Friends that I have known for at least 5 years (so these are not acquaintences, and I can count them on one hand). Of these friends, I know more about their past then they know about mine (other than being a J-Dub). They don't know about the struggles I have with my past, the issues I have, and with my dad, with nearly all of my family. Obviously they trust me. I have never broken confidence with my friends. This is something that I pride myself on.

Is this normal? I don't wnat to just way lay them with all the emotional crap, but they don't know the real me. They really don't know what makes me tick. Though I am not acting in a different manner, I just don't reveal anything too personal. I have been thinking about this, and I am wondering how "normal, for lack of a better term, this is?

james_woods

I know I have posted this before, but I think it is worth a little re-run on this thread because of the trust subject.

Old Marion Dunlap told me before he passed on that his greatest regret about the witnesses was the very large number of people that they had completely soured on the whole idea of the Christian religion, or maybe of any religion.

I know for a fact that the experience of being lied to so blatently and without remorse has had a very negative effect on my general willingness to believe anything of a religious nature. You can debate whether this is a good or a bad thing, but I think Marion was right on with this observation - the JW hyprocrisy sure has made a lot of athiests and cynics.

The good part is that many of us recognize the symptoms in ourselves and have a little self-reminder from time to time that we should not become too bitter. Sounds to me like original poster is doing a pretty good job of this on his own.

But I too still beware Greeks bearing gifts...

Sad emo

Good topic XJW

I've never been a JW but I do have a problem with trusting people. For me, it's not so much a fear of someone breaking confidences - I do need to know someone well before I say anything and if I discovered they had broken that confidence, well, they would know about it

For me though the biggest fear is what they would think of me! I guess that's down to my life experiences of the church I was in and family issues heaping the whole guilt thing on me.

I think what you've just described (knowing more about your friends than they know about you) sounds normal enough, you're just being yourself. If they were sharing an experience that you could relate to, would you offer your experience? That's all that is needed day to day (a bit like JWD really!) You don't have to sit down and tell them everything, but the question is if you did feel you needed someone to talk to, could you count on them to be there for you?

carpenter - so what DO you have floating in the tub?!

Lack of Trust

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