Life beyond JW -- A Worldly Wife asks......

Worldlywife

Outside, looking in.... Most, if not all of you, have chosen to leave the JW religion. Many have simply stopped attending meetings or 'walked away'. Although I have limited knowledge of the religion, I have come to understand and appreciate the reasons why folks have left and why their departure was done without formal notification of such; e.g. ramifications with family and friends if you are announced / DF'd.

I commend everyone on this site who has left the religion as I am certain it was not something for which you decided to do over night. I'm sure it took most of you a very long time (often questioning the teachings within your own mind and then spending time without others' knowledge to validate and confirm what you began to think was inaccurate teachings or to put it bluntly "a rashion of crap"). I believe it took a great deal of courage to leave since for many of you, this has been the religion and beliefs since birth for yourselves and many of your ancestors. It was community within a community; a security blanket; a membership for life whereby you would never, ever be alone nor have to worry about your future as it was in good hands.

As a "worldly" person, however, I wonder how "I" as well as "yourselves" will know that when you've gone beyond the life ot a JW and become an, as you call it, "worldly" person?

Thank you all for reading this email. If I misquoted anything above, I apologize as my information is based on my recollection of what I've heard over the years or still hear on occasion. Your feedback is welcome.

A very supportive Worldy Wife.

juni

Hi Worldlywife and thank you for writing.

I agree with what you wrote. You certainly understand how the JW religion works and affects people. Actually that term "worldly" is thrown around a lot in the religion. It's like Jew/Gentile and the vast crevass between. Good guys vs/ bad guys.

I understand them to mean that anybody/anything that does not fit w/their ideas or follow their ideology as WORLDLY.

Dictionary meaning: WORLDLY, Of or devoted to the concerns of this world rather than to spiritual or religious matters.

Other religons speak of "worldly pursuits", but it is not carried to the extreme that JWs do.

So with that being said, I believe the "fair" expanation to your question would be this: You have succeeded being "worldly" if you have NO place for spiritual matters in your life. And this is not narrowing the field of spiritual matters to the JW religion. Also I feel that if someone is not a "spiritual" person I REFUSE to snub them and think I'm better than they.

Does that kind of help you? Just my opinion for what it's worth.

Welcome to the forum!

Juni

willyloman

Your remarks are very insightful. In answer to your question:

It's a process that takes some time. Some move faster than others. I liken it to growing up in a forest and deciding to make your way out of the trees into the meadow beyond. Some get there faster than others. It's largely about how much planning you do before you set out on the journey. Those who just walk out of the camp and move in a random direction sometimes wind up going in circles,and may even return to camp having decided it's just easier to stay put than to struggle with the journey.

I left three years ago with my wife, and we carefully planned our exit. We had a timeline and a plausible "story" we could tell to those who asked. We recognized the importance of using our "fade" time to establish new interests and make new friends, and we did. We "came out" to close family members and to our amazement they all had the same misgivings about "The Truthiness" (as Scully puts it so well) and followed us out. As did a few of their friends.

So we've been watching these various folks on their respective journey for a couple of years, and they've all traveled at different speeds. Every once in a while there's a milestone. Recently, one of the friends of our family went to a birthday party for a co-worker. And took a gift! A personal breakthrough for him.

I don't know if ex-dubs ever become truly "wordly people," simply because they carry dub baggage for life. But many adjust quite well. It all depends, I believe, on how much work you are willing to do. By work I mean reading uplifting books and exit experiences (as on this forum), getting some professional help in the form of counseling or group activity, surrounding yourself with non-toxic people who are happy, positive and non-judgmental. I often say we "studied ourselves into the organization and now we have to study ourselves out." The truth, the real truth that is, will set you free.

esw1966

I think it is a slow process.

It took me 6 months after being disfellowshipped to begin even questioning my beliefs. Once I began to see that my beliefs were wrong, I started taking all sorts of information from books and podcasts that were relevant to my questions. I have SO many religious books purchased and library. I have a voracious appetite to get my thinking re-learned.

Then I starting looking for 'the other' true religion. I talked to pastors of several churches. Then I found a religious teaching that I could believe in. Jesus himself and grace.

Since then I have been pushing myself to do things such as holidays. At the moment, I don't have much of a desire for them. I'm reading a book on Christmas now trying to 'get' the Christmas spirit. I can now wish people a Happy Birthday, but I find it impossible to sing Happy Birthday. I think holidays will take a while for me.

There are times when the old thinking comes back. I remind myself that those were my old improper ideas and that I need to be open and listen and decide things for myself.

Currently, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life! I am still a very religious person. I just have a new direction. I think jw thinking will always affect me to some extent, but as time goes on it should be less and less.

(I became a jw at the age of 9 when my parents accepted 'the truth' in 1975. I left it a year ago after being df'd and my wife divorcing me. So, I have 30 years of de-programming to do. The process has been difficult at first, but SO worth it after the first hurdle!)

Mysterious

Taking a job without thinking it won't interfere with meetings, not reading the label on meats to check for "blood or byproducts", wishing someone good luck without a second thought, buying the car you want to without a thought to how it would be for service, wearing what you want without thinking what would so and so think, watching any movie you want, reading any book you want, going on vacations, shopping and treating yourself, getting an education or not looking down on your kids for going to college, being proud of your nationality, celebrating holidays without guilt, setting your own morality, being yourself and not who the organization thinks you should be.

jgnat

Worldlywife, hi there! I'm a regular Christian married to a JW. I bet I could sympathize with what you go through.

how "I" ... will know that when you've gone beyond the life ot a JW and become an, as you call it, "worldly" person?

As an "outsider", I've learned to spot my JW husband is in his natural self, compared to his JW self. His whole face becomes rigid and his language stilted (sounding like a magazine) when he is in full JW-mode. Learning to spot the difference is the key for those on the outside to lead our partners out of their self-made prison. Steve Hassan in his book, "Combatting Cult Mind Control", describes these two personalities, and how to bring out your partner's natural self.

Some exiting JW's do so very quickly, sometimes from a sudden shock or a moment of clarity. More likely though the process takes years. Steve Hassan has managed to get members out in as short as three days. But I suspect JW's take longer, because the indoctrination is so much slower and more subtle. Kind of like slow-in-slow-out. Boiling a frog.

Even after a JW leaves, they can have flashbacks. News of disasters, earthquakes, and rumors of war, for instance, can give them twinges of doubt. JW relatives who say things like "you know it is the truth" "where else can you go" can set them back, too. Some JW's are kicked out. Some of these poor souls never thoroughly examine their former beliefs, assuming they are doomed. I think every exiting JW should spend a year or so in spiritual "rest", or sabbatical, re-examining everything they thought they knew. Reading, writing, thinking.

BabaYaga

Welcome, WorldlyWife!!!

Great tips, jgnat.

Well, first I still thought it was the "T"ruth, but I didn't agree with their shunning bullshit, so I thought "Jehovah is bigger than this. They may think they are doing his will but they are WRONG." So I had to leave. I stopped going to all of the meetings, until I could figure it out for myself. It was horrible, this was a "pre-Google" exit, there was no information for me and no support group like this one.

Once I had been out for a while, my convictions were getting stronger but I still had a horribly difficult time. I felt as if I had been given a rule book to life when I was born, and then one day realized that the rules I had been playing by were for a completely different gameboard. It took me many years to piece together what I myself believe. It has never been easy, I am still heartbroken by loved ones who are in, but it has all been worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Don't worry too much about the term "Worldly". They even call other JW's that behind their backs when they are being particularly catty and holier-than-thou.

Welcome again. Glad you're here.

sammielee24

As a "worldly" person, however, I wonder how "I" as well as "yourselves" will know that when you've gone beyond the life ot a JW and become an, as you call it, "worldly" person?

I detest the 'worldly' term so much because I see it as an ultimate divide created by leaders to instill fear, derision and prejudice in their followers. An us against them mentality. I'm a 'worldly' person so I've felt that prejudice up close and personal and to me, a JW has gone past that life when they can stop judging people and events based on the Watchtower beliefs and prejudices. sammieswife.

jgnat

Baba Yaga, I love it:

this was a "pre-Google" exit

I vote for this as the best quip of 2006.

BabaYaga

:) !

Life beyond JW -- A Worldly Wife asks......

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