Big ole' emotional health issues. It made me obsessed with guilt. I felt so guilty all the time I could barely function. I still get guilty feelings that won't let up sometimes (for no reason mind you). I think my brother definitely has more issues than I do, because I have done alot more research. But as soon as I told my therapist I grew up JW he said.."OHHHH, that tells me alot right there".
What affect did the Watchtower have on your emotional health?
by The wanderer 27 Replies latest jw friends
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juni
Good evening Wanderer.
it started with sadness, anger, then depression and
now it is transforming into a state of happiness.That's how I was when I left and before I DAed myself. I remember taking long walks and screaming at Jehovah. Then I did a lot of crying. My husband just closed himself off in front of the TV so I basically had to take care of myself emotionally. He didn't realize how bad a mental state I was in. Gave me a hug once.
Then I sought out a counselor as I was truly at the point of suicide. A couple of years passed w/continued counseling. Still husband gave no comfort. I was on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Finally DAed myself to make it clear I didn't want anything to do w/it.
My daughter was my comfort. We did a lot of talking. She was raised a JW but got out also. She was never baptized but got the shaft my many.
Now I'm done w/counseling - have been for several years. Still on meds as my mom has problems w/clinical depression so it's kind of inherited. The JW crapola was what started me off down the road of depression. Still battle w/it.
But I'm happy to be out. I am the type of person who cares a lot about others. Ian's thread about those being shunned by family members made me cry - not that we were shunned because we have no relatives in org., but I was of course. But it pains me deeply that families are being torn apart by this org. and what others are suffering.
What brought me in? Promise of paradise and getting to know what was in the Bible. Also the "friends" were good to us at first then reality struck. As far as the Armageddon fear, I felt if I make it through that's good, but I didn't think I would be "good" enough or have "done" enough. And it was always pointed out that scripture where ever it is that " maybe you will be saved in the day of God's anger".
So I basically left it up to God and didn't worry about it.
Juni
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purplesofa
I have fineally decided to get professional help.
I just openly told a friend of mine this afternoon ....that this is over my head.
There is not a facet of my life that the WT teachings have not infiltrated. Its a bit overwhelming at the moment. All those decisions.....the time wasted, the time .......all that time.
The farther I get away from it.......I am feeling.......and its sadness right now. I feel like anger is underneath there.......and it scares me as I don't know the magnitude of it. Its ok in the teachings to feel sad and depressed.......that is an acceptable feeling....But ANGER......not Anger.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get over this.
purps
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juni
GOOD GOD CANDI!!! WHAT AN IDIOT PSYCH! YES DO FIND ANOTHER; THEY AREN'T ALL IDIOTS. I KNOW. HAVE HAD SEVERAL BECAUSE OF MOVING.
PURPS SAID:
Its ok in the teachings to feel sad and depressed.......that is an acceptable feeling....But ANGER......not Anger.
WHOSE TEACHINGS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PURPS? IF IT'S JW TEACHINGS GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND KICK IT OUT THE DOOR!
ANGER IS A VERY STRONG EMOTION. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AS SUCH AND THEN DEAL W/WHAT'S CAUSING IT. NOT DEALING W/ANGER KEEPS YOU IN AN ANGRY STATE. ALSO KEEPING IT IN CAUSES ALL OF THE OTHER EMOTIONS TO REAR THEIR UGLY HEADS! THE COUNSELOR (PSYCH'S ARE FOR MONITORING YOUR MEDS; VERY EXPENSIVE) WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU PEEL BACK THE LAYERS AND THEN START DEALING W/EACH.
IF YOU LET IT GO W/O HELP THE CLINICAL DEPRESSION GETS A FOOT HOLD. THEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE DESIRE OR ENERGY TO GET OUT OF BED. I'VE BEEN THERE SO I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.
HUGS,
JUNI
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juni
MAMA SAID: But as soon as I told my therapist I grew up JW he said.."OHHHH, that tells me alot right there".
MY THERAPIST SAID THE SAME THING! OF COURSE THEY CAN'T REVEAL INFORMATION, BUT SHE DID TELL ME THAT SHE TREATED A LOT OF DFed YOUNG PEOPLE AND OTHERS WHO HAD PROBLEMS W/THE RELIGION.
ALSO THAT SHE VISITED A KINGDOM HALL ONCE TO GET AN IDEA OF WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. SHE LEFT AFTER THE PUBLIC TALK. SHE SAID SHE FELT LIKE THE LIFE WAS BEING SUCKED OUT OF HER! MUST'VE BEEN ONE OF THOSE "OBEY OBEY" TALKS.
JUNI
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purplesofa
IF YOU LET IT GO W/O HELP THE CLINICAL DEPRESSION GETS A FOOT HOLD. THEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE DESIRE OR ENERGY TO GET OUT OF BED.
I'm pretty much here.......its not just JW stuff.....the death of my brother.....my daughter away still at BootCamp and not hearing from her, the end of a romantic relationship, job stress, financial stress.......even the news....remembering 9/11 and how our lives changed.
My mind has not grasped how to deal with all this. I can't use the ......Oh, its gonna get better in the new system way of dealing with life. Jehovah has allowed all this pain and suffering for a reason.......blah blah blah. The other thing is .....just formulating all those thoughts on how I think/thought/used to think is one thing......but verbalizing is another. I can hardly make the word sounds come out of my mouth.
Well, I am sure I sound like a freak, thats sorta how I feel right now. Maybe it is all part of the process, or maybe I am really wacked!!!!!
purps
sorry Wanderer..........not sure this all should be on your thread.
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jaguarbass
Did fear of dying
at Armageddon keep you in the organization longer?Fear of dying at Armageddon was used to keep me in the organization. Then 75 came and went and by 83 I decided it wasnt the troof. And never went back since 83
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jaguarbass
What about you? Can you share what your frame of mind was like before and after
being involved with the organization?I think I suffered from depression when I was a witness.I think it was because everything and everybody was so negative. I think I still battle depression because there are so many things that remind me of what my association with the witnesses cost me that will never be recovered. I guess I have to do like everybody else and try to find the positive in things.
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girasole
When I initially left the witnesses, it created such an emotional event that when things finally finally settled down I felt like I was suffering from post traumatic stress. I was immobilized and numb for a while. Day after day I was sought out by individuals, my parents included and those interactions would no doubt end in sobbing and pleading. My answering machine filled up and I eventually just turned it off. A couple of times I attempted to hide out at the secluded farm that belonged to one of my few non-witness friends. Low and behold they even found me there. It was there that my BF told me that we could no longer be friends. Things stayed at a climax for nearly a year and when the finally settled down it was only for a few months and then there was another "blow up." I think after that I was scared to relax - it's like i was just waiting for the next ball to drop and I could never let my guard down.
What I found to be so hard to take at the time was that no matter how hard I tried to plead with my parents to listen to me - to just hear my point of view I could not even manage to get them to comprehend my words much less try to understand. It was made even more difficult by their constant insistance that it was MY decision and that everything that was happening was my fault (even though I had made it clear that it was not my intention that our relationship should end). It turns out that we do still have somewhat of a relationship but at the time it didn't seem like it would end up that way. It was also horrible for me to watch their devastation. I am an only child and I had never seen my dad cry until I told them how I felt about things.
I felt like an insane person as I was terrified of running into a fellow witness at the grocery store or a restaruant. I would even scan the parking lots to see if I noticed any familiar vehicles or faces ( I lived in a relatively small town at the time.) Now, I can't even remember what I was so afraid of but at the time it was immobilizing. I walked everywhwere with a knot in my stomach. I think that even though I knew I had done the right thing I still was not completely "in my skin" or completely comfortable with my decision. Partly I think that I felt that I constantly had to prove to anyone that I saw that i was okay - because I assumed that they'd think my life would automatically to to pot - actually, for a while it was almost like I became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I was just waiting for that bad thing to happen just like they said it would. I began to imagine the worst in every possible scenario in everything. I had nightmares and daydreams that were as vivid as nightmares.
I felt like things were so out of control, like there was so much that was happening in my life that I couldn't control - not without going back to the witnesses, which thankfully I never considered. I too ended up developing an eating disorder amongst other things. At the worst I looked like a near skeleton and was down to a mere 99lbs. At some point, how or why, I cannot recollect at the moment but I was able to recognize why I was doing what i was doing and slowly things began to get better. I also have been through two therapists. And the second really helped me and worked with me to recognize that I was in control of my own life and my own feelings and that I could choose how I felt and how I reacted to every situation that arises in my life. I have the power!
I feel better and better everyday and am grateful to be free of the mind slavery.
girasole -
purplesofa
I think after that I was scared to relax - it's like i was just waiting for the next ball to drop and I could never let my guard down.
I can relate to this too.
I felt like an insane person as I was terrified of running into a fellow witness at the grocery store or a restaruant. I would even scan the parking lots to see if I noticed any familiar vehicles or faces ( I lived in a relatively small town at the time.) Now, I can't even remember what I was so afraid of but at the time it was immobilizing. I walked everywhwere with a knot in my stomach.