How do you know when it's time to let go?

by Esmeralda 13 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Esmeralda

  Hi everyone,

  A warning up front: this is a long post.

  I'm posting this as a sincere question to those who have (more or less) moved on from the JW chapter of their lives and gone on to try to be, (dare I use the word,) 'normal'?

  Everyone has had their 'awakenings' in the past six days, since all of those precious lives were snuffed out in senseless acts of violence. Priorities being refined. Plans re-thought, and thoughts of the future...we'll who knows how long our individual futures will be?

  How much time any of us have is a mystery. In recent months I've been very aware of how quickly life can extinguish: even before last week because of the sudden near deaths of two immediate family members 12 days apart. All of that underscored to me that there is nothing more precious than time.

  If today was my last day, would I want to realize in my last moments that I spent my final hours critisizing my fellow humans (even the WTS) instead of trying to do something positive with my life?

  My original idea in putting up a website, answering e mails, etc was that I wanted to do something positive for those who are having problems leaving the organization, and feeling alone. I think I've done that to some small extent.

  But the things is, I feel like I've stopped growing. That I'm stuck somehow. That by reliving my experiences with the WT continually that I'm stirring up old feelings that perhaps should just be laid to rest now.

  So please tell me, those who've been out a long time...how do you know when its really time to let go and move on?

  My heart is aching to let go of the past. Yet somehow I would feel so guilty 'getting on' with my own life knowing that there are still those struggling who need someone to talk to. Like I have a responsibility somehow to help everyone that I can. Is that a carry over from my JW days maybe...the driving need to 'save' people? Maybe I'm over thinking this, I doubt that one person makes much of a difference one way or another. These boards will go on, new people will come in and out. The support will be there for people at various stages of recovery.

  I'm also coming to the realization, cruel though it is, that even if there is change within the WTS that it will always exist in some form. Religion always survives somehow. So maybe the greatest success for us and failure for the WTS would be less people considering themselves 'ex JW's" and more people considering themselves whole human beings.

  I don't know. I just don't. I've lost a lot of sleep over this. Critics say that ex's are too bitter, so we can't possibly be happy people. Maybe you do have to let go to finally really be happy?

  How do know when to start the process of slowly letting go and fading out? I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and they lose so much of my time and emotions to all of this. Is it right to give more of myself to this... anti-preaching work or whatever you want to call it?

  I just don't know what to do anymore. I really need to know how others came to the decision to move on.

  Of course if you've really moved on I guess that you wouldn't be reading this post now would you? *lol*

  Oh, I am a basket case tonight. (no comment needed from you, Fred *lol*) If any of you made it to the end of this and want to tell me to just shut up and go take my medication, I understand :)

  *hugs*
  essie
• 

  ozziepost

  G'day Essie,

  No, you're not really a "basket case". This is a valid question.

  I guess in a sense you will never 'let go' in the sense that you'll always be an exDub in much the same way as a divorced couple have an ex.

  As you travel along the road to freedom you'll find other 'positives' to replace the 'negatives'. As Witnesses we were looking for people who were seeking the truth. For a while we thought we'd found it. Now we realise we will never know the whole truth but for many the realisation of God's undeserved kindness (or grace) is sufficient.

  Keep seeking, Essie, and enjoy the ride. In the meantime, know that you can help and support many other fellow travellers.

  Kind regards,

  Ozzie
• 

  DannyBear

  Hello Essy,

  Point out anyone that claims to be 'happy' all the time, and I will assert he/she is a liar.

  The struggles you mention, sickness, injuries, how much time left of our miserly life spans, violence, animosity and hate, all affect each and every one of mankind...making 'happiness" a real illusive state of being.

  ***Yet somehow I would feel so guilty 'getting on' with my own life knowing that there are still those struggling who need someone to talk to.***

  I suspect if you polled each poster here, even those who may claim...they post only for entertainment value...will admit to the same 'guilt'.

  Really makes me laugh, when poster's appear here and elsewhere on the net, proclaiming loudly "get a life", "you people are waisting your time", yet their very expressions, scream out for attention/affirmation. Those who loudly claim (while taking considerable time..typing the words) they need no ones affirmation, are by so saying, contradicting themselves.

  Lets face it sweet lady, we all need each other. We all need and desire to learn, to grow.

  You certainly have. Your example recently displayed, regarding your new found strength to ignore your detractors, to not let anyone 'put you down'...coupled with an amazing tolerance and acceptance of your tormentor's...was a classic example to me. I was very proud to watch it happen. This one incident made me feel happy, it made reevalute my conduct toward other's. It should make you happy.

  Now more than ever we need this kind of leadership. Amongst ourselves, our government leader's.

  My mother's answer to being sad, was the age old jw mantra "pick yourself up and grab your bookbag, go out and serve somebody, you will soon forget your troubles"...well although her direction was faulty, her intent was timeless. Helping others can bring happiness.
  Believe it or not even when I did follow her advice, I can remember a sense of peace (barf!) or happiness (puke!) after a day's work of publishing for the WT. God forgive me!

  We need everyone to come out from hiding, and get some of these happiness endorphins, stop lurking you 2,850 lurkers...'pick yourself up and grab your keyboard and help someone'!!!!

  Danny
• 

  Satanus

  Esmerelda

  I congratulate you for recognising and responding to the urge to move on. I believe that is the cosmic plan for all to grow. But, before we can be given something new, we must let go of the old. This is the difficult part. You should not feel like you are abandoning those of us who remain at this stage. You should think for yourself and do what is right for you and if you can do something for others, that is great. It comes back to you. So, go ahead, take your next step, but cautioussly.

  May you have favorable winds!

  S
• 

  HoChiMin

  Essie,

  There are six million JW's out there, and any one of them at any time could use a hand to get out from under the mind control. This board and many on it help tremendously, you included.
  That wonderment of when to let go and move on, but continuing on, may be motivated by that fact. So it is a positive act whether you see it that way or not, I see it that way every time I read a thought provoking post, or even a funny one and I am amused for a moment. Yes sadly, the WT will continue on trying to control as many people as possible in the name of the GB god. And even milk the terrorist events to keep existing members and recruit new ones. Only one who has been in the organization can know the hold they have on people and recognize the defensive brick walls the put up whenever one challenges their beliefs.

  I've not been out that long, one year, after twenty seven years in, but was not raised a JW so I have some recollection of what it was like out there. If not for a few close friends still in and trying to slowly get out, I might be able to never look back. But the subject will always come up and if I can persuade someone how controlling and evil the WT can be I will.

  HCM
• 

  larc

  Essie,

  I have been out for a very long time, so I don't have emotional issues with the society any more. I tend to get involved with things like this in spurts, when I feel I have the time and can contribute something that helps others. When I have had enough, I quit for awhile, sometimes a long while. I don't feel guilty when I don't contribute. In fact, I rarely feel guilty about anything. I think quilt is a useless, destructive emotion. (For ideas I think are more construcive, see the thread started by Tine, "10 nutty beliefs") When I feel a twinge of guilt, I get off my butt and do something constructive, and don't worry about all the things out there to do. I can't do all of them. I don't believe in self sacrifice either. I will help, but I will not allow myself to loose sleep or burn out because of others. This sounds selfish, but it is not. I am no good to myself or others if I allow my self to become incapacitated. I am in it for the long haul.
• 

  Esmeralda

  Thanks so much everybody. Much to think about.

  I thought for sure that someone was going to say "It's time to move on when you write posts like that!" *lol* But instead you all gave kind and thoughtful responses.

  Many things to ponder. Thank you, my friends. I will check in the morning to see if anyone else has anything to add.

  love ya all
  essie

  p.s. larc, I just saw your post as I was about to send my reply. Wow. So much wisdom jammed in there I'll have to read it again in the morning when I'm sufficiently caffeinated. Thanks for reminding me how guilt really doesn't get you anywhere.

  I guess I need to get out my copy of the Four Agreements again. I forgot about where Don Miguel Ruiz says that if you always do your best, that you have nothing to feel bad about. Your best will vary from day to day, but thats okay.

  I guess sometimes I think if I can't do it all than small contributions aren't worth anything. That is something I definitely need to re-think.

  Thanks again larc, and to you too Ozzie, HCM, Dannybear, and SaintSatan. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
• 

  think41self

  ((((Essie))))

  I think you have shown yourself to be a very kind and generous person. I am sure you have helped alot of people. You don't have to just stop doing that, maybe just set healthy boundaries for yourself in the amount of time you spend doing it. I agree wholeheartedly with Larc's comment, guilt is a self destructive, counter productive emotion. Even though your contributions are invaluable, there are others out there to help the ones you don't have time to help. So smile Essie, enjoy your family, each day of life...and be happy with what you have...what you have done...what you have become.

  think41self

  "Not believing is not the same as not knowing."
• 

  DannyBear

  Hello Larc,

  I almost forgot about the watershed of 'guilt', like you I've been out of the 'guilt machine'(WTBS)for over 20yrs now. It took me several years to get over that part of the 'new personality' or 'theocratic thinking'. I like your creed, can I join your Sunday School Reverand FreeasaLarc Guiltless?

  Danny
• 

  GentlyFeral

  So please tell me, those who've been out a long time...how do you know when its really time to let go and move on?

  I think boredom is an excellent indicator.

  Is that a carry over from my JW days maybe...the driving need to 'save' people?

  Not at all. Many worldlings have it. They tend to be anorexics, or co-dependent spouses (shudder). Or, if they avoid the pitfalls, great reformers, or just Really Really Nice.

  Critics say that ex's are too bitter, so we can't possibly be happy people.

  And you know perfectly well that’s a crock of shit. That’s just an excuse to hide from the real issues that ex-Witnesses bring up.

  I’ll tell you, Esmeralda, I still have a lot of anger toward Witnesses. I didn’t even know how angry I was when I left. But every few months I discover a little more about how much they stole from me (and, yes, I admit I held my pockets open).

  I second Ozziepost’s advice:

  As you travel along the road to freedom you'll find other 'positives' to replace the 'negatives'.

  Don’t only snatch them up as you find them. Go out looking for them, from time to time. I do this in a fairly audacious manner – by indulging the itch to earn myself a disfellowshipping. Naturally, I do this without compromising my REAL moral principles (as distinct from the jaydub veneer).

  Yet somehow I would feel so guilty 'getting on' with my own life knowing that there are still those struggling who need someone to talk to. Like I have a responsibility somehow to help everyone that I can.

  This is where world-savers get into trouble: thinking that the job is theirs alone. Maybe it’s almost time to luxuriate in the fact that you can direct escapees to this site…?

  GentlyFeral

  (edited to remove misplaced quote code)