Has anyone else found that they were not treated as expected when they
"came out?" I was threatened and guilted and the whole gamut but I was
never disfellowshipped or counseled or even so much as visited by the
elders and I wonder if that was all intentional.
I told my father, an elder, explicitly that I did not believe the
witnesses anymore and had no intention of going back to the KH. I
stated reason after reason why I did not believe in WT doctrine anymore
and openly condemned their practices as unethical and insincere. When
I first stopped attending meetings I was endlessly harrassed by people
knocking at my door and calling constantly - at first even in the middle of the night was
not altoghether unusual. Therefore I had a couple
of hiding places at the homes of worldly friends - one of whom was a male.
My parents somehow figured out where he lived and drove by there in
the middle of the night - so they knew that I was there all night -
which is in the elder book specifically as a reprovable offense -
whether any "wrongdoing" occured or not - because it does not project a
wholesome image.
I got married to a man who has never been a witness and my parents
helped to plan and came to the wedding. My mother even said that the
other "friends" wanted to do something but that they weren't sure how I
would feel about it. One JW even brought a gift by my house. My husband and I have
both been asked to dinner by witnesses several times. i have declined every offer
because I know that the
interest is not genuine and therefore would not result in a genuine and sincere
friendship. What are they going to do? find out that I reject their
every notion and teaching and still embrace me with open arms? It's a
ploy and I know it is. Why subject myself to that? But that's very
hard to explain to a witness who of course is going to deny that their
interest is not genuine - so I always come out looking like the bad
guy.
If I say anything like that to my mother, who likes to remind me when
she has the chance that everyone still loves me and wants me in their
life, she tries to convince me that no one has rejected me or cut me
out
of their life - that it's me who is doing the shunning.
That doesn't mean that there have not been any blow ups. We've had a
number of them. When I applied for a job at a non-approving agency my mother
came to my apartment banging down my door in a panic saying that if I took
the job that the elders would see that as a public display of my
dissention and I'd be disfellowshipped - cut and dry - no question
about
it. I reminded her that I'd already clearly stated that my life will
not be governed by the WT and that I no longer ascribed to their
teachings. I told her plainly that I wanted the job and if it was
offered I would take it. It's like she didn't hear me or something.
Of
course, the whole issue became moot because I wasn't offered the job. Again,
I stated over and over and over that I rejected the WT teachings and that they were going
to have no role in my life.
But it's like everything that usually happens did not happen in my
case.
Our family was in constant emotional turmoil for more than a year
over
this and my dad was never even asked to step down as an elder. I
halfway wonder if they weren't honest with the other elders and others
in the congregation so as to protect me and protect themselves from
having to choose between me and their religion. It all just seems
strange.
It's like they don't want for me to be able to say that I was turned
away - though they haven't hesitated to threaten it from time to time.
Maybe they think that since I was once the model witness that I'll
eventually come back around if they shower me with "kindness" and personal interest. After
I stopped attending meetings I had people who never really talked to me that much
at the hall - calling me and knocking at my door.
Maybe because of all the things that I
said they feel that DF'ing me would just add fuel to my fire. if they did know about all the things that I said to my parents - much of which was in writing - maybe they thought it best not to prove them entirely and predictably true?
Not DF'd or shunned?
by girasole 10 Replies latest jw friends
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girasole
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Virgochik
My experience is similar to yours, but I wasn't quite as explicit about my views. My Dad caught me alone one time (the kind of moments we all try to avoid) and broached the subject of my coming back to meetings. All I said was, "I just can't live like that. I think I'm a good person, and live my life the best I can and God will have to decide...but I just can't live with all the meetings and rules." He quietly said, "OK." That was it.
Shortly after, I moved out of state. I truly believe my parents let their friends think I still go to meetings, and they tell themselves that I'm still a good person and trust Jehovah will spare me thru Armageddon. They come out for visits, and stay in our house, and nothing is too different, except we don't talk about religion.
I think my moving away took the pressure off them to make any decisions about me, and maybe pressure from the Hall to shun me. I've always been surprised and so glad I haven't lost them, as I'm an only child and they are getting old. Maybe they hope this course will someday bring me back, by not cutting off ties. Who knows?
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Pistoff
Congratulations, you live in a very liberal area of witnesses, or as I maintain, witnesses who stay witnesses by NOT listening to everything.
Good for you; what a great thing that you are not shunned!
P -
joannadandy
I lucked out in this respect - but I know we're in the lucky minority.
I finally brought up my feelings about the "truth" to my parents fully expecting to have to drop out of college, get a job, and move out with my things within the month...
Oh it wasn't easy - there was screaming, yelling, accusations, hurt feelings, crying...oh the crying...all around the table, and there were even a few visits with elders. Eventually my parents and I have come to an understanding about things. More of a "don't ask don't tell". I don't try to change their minds - they don't try to change mine. They still talk about congregation things - or what they are studying - but I look at this more of conversation about what's going on in their lives than preaching at me. I know they still hold out a hope that I will come back. I'm ok with that - I know the truth now.
I think when you have reasonable people who are willing to work things - sometimes there can be peace. Sadly - that's not the case with most - and this religion is never really about being reasonable...
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RR
My wife and I walked away, she was raised in the French Congregation when we met. I stepped down and we left the class and joined another,then we left for good. Her formers elders in the French contacted her and she gave them "a witness." They never notified our congregation that we were now apostates. The elders tried to talk to us a few times to set up a date for them to come over and we just kept giving them excuses, and they never bothered us again.
We have been to the Hall on a few occassions, mainly for funerals, we have also gone to my in-law ( a witness) and she is always entertaining witnesses we know, they don't treat us any different. It's like no one cares.
I know I don't!
RR
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BabaYaga
Yes, I am very blessed. My beloved family still shows their love for me. A couple of them did shun me for a while, and then, for various reasons, each in their own time accepted me. I'm not kidding. I still let them know how much I loved them and never brought up their beliefs, and I think they all knew better than to want to know about mine.
Once, after I had conscientiously quit going to meetings, my Dad came to me and sternly advised that if that's the way I felt about it, I should "write a letter to the Society."
I simply replied, "I'm not going to do that, Dad."
There was a long pause, he still looked distraught, but was perhaps relieved... and he walked away to head out to the Kingdom Hall. He never, ever breeched that issue ever again. -
cognizant dissident
Well, my husband is an MS and I haven't attended a meeting in almost 9 months or put in a service report. One time the elder's said they were going to drop by to encourage me on a Saturday morning. My husband told them I had a late night and he wasn't sure I would be up (true). He told them it would probably be better to phone me and make an appointment. They never bothered. I also missed the memorial, and the DC and only got one e-mail from my closest friend asking if I was sick. Otherwise, not a word from anyone. Also, when the circuit overseer visited I thought for sure my husband would be removed because his wife and son are inactive. Not a word was said. I have always been very active for 20 years before this and then less so for the last two years due to a serious illness. While relieved at not being hassled, I am actually a little insulted that after so many years I didn't even merit one encouraging phone call to inquire about my time!
Cog
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PoppyR
I did plan my fade rather well (even if I do say so myself ) But I was also prepared to be d/fed as I could not pretend to believe the lies. I initally stopped all field service, then became hit and miss at meetings, then much more miss than hit.
Finally I stopped, at this point I told the family I had not been ill, I wasn't going anymore. I also had some discussions with them about 607 and the UN, which in retrospect was stupid but I had to speak! I had one call from one elder, who asked if he could help, seemed relieved when I said I was fine and that's been it for over a year.
I recently found out that a witness saw me in a bar smoking, and told my brother (who is an elder). Nothing was ever said. Which makes me presume they are not out to try and disfellowship me and as long as I keep my head down I might complete the fade. I am also currently in the process of divorcing my JW husband and am in another relationship, my mum told me they would love to meet my now boyfriend, but cannot 'condone' it while I am still married. In some ways this still hurts, but in others is quite a relief, it means they will accept me and him, but just want things to appear 'right'.
My mum is pained by it all, and recently brought up to me that someone had said I looked much more at peace than I previously had. I said I had to be honest with her and say it was the biggest relief of my life to not go anymore and I was never going back. She is hurt, but I think she accepts my decision. I just hope beyond hope that in time I can be there if any of my family also want to leave. I know it's not the right time to be planting seeds in their minds and I have to wait for them to come to me.
poppy
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greendawn
That is an unusual reaction by the dubs they normally hound out any dissenters in a very short time so that they will not have the chance to "infect" the rest of the congregation. Another example of the Bible being misused when dissenters simply disagree with the FDS ideas.
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fullofdoubtnow
You are very fortunate. Most of the jws I know who have left have been shunned by even their closest family, and even faders aren't very well treated around here. You obviously have some liberal thinkers among the jws in your area.