I haven’t said anything in a while…but the idea popped in my head to start writing about what it’s like to leave a cult…and a few other things mostly for my kids to read later. Here is where I’m starting…yea I know it’s present…but I figured I’ll start here and go back.
Early in this year, a lot of things changed all at one time. I had been “mentally out of the borg” for about a year and hit a weird place in my mental development. I noticed these things were happening;
1. No longer really wanted to help people leave the organization like I once did. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to help someone if the opportunity presents itself, but there isn’t this constant nagging need to “help” someone get out.
2. Didn’t know how to be happy. I didn’t want to do anything in particular, and didn’t enjoy my life like I wanted to.
3. Felt like I had blinders on. Don’t know how to relate this one except to say I felt like I couldn’t “see” clearly, like I was wearing a mask or something, both mentally and physically. I couldn’t even remember looking up at the clouds on a pretty day…more on this later.
About this time (February of ’06), my partners and I decided to close the company we had been building for over 2 years, so I was jobless. So, my last two paychecks bought equipment and materials to start a mobile auto paint repair business, my last $10.00 went into the fuel tank of my truck to start looking for work. Long story short, my second trailer and first employee are due to start on their own next week…yahoo!
Back to the subject…I noticed that there was less and less for me to say, and other people were irritating me greatly, not due to them doing anything wrong, but everything I was reading or hearing was noise, with no substance. Of course the problem is never EVERYONE else…if it is, than the problem is you.
So…I got lost, stopped interacting with people so much. I wrote my login information to the forum on a cd case and hid it where I had to really go through some trouble to find it, wrote one last post and logged out. I have been pretty much just working and eating and being at home with my girlfriend on the weekends, but spending most of my free time in my own head for the past few months.
As I did this, it seemed my memories began to rebuild themselves. It was like living my life in reverse, with all the pieces falling into place that had been blocked out by cognitive dissonance. My childhood came back, both the good an bad, remembering being in the 3rd grade and my dad’s girlfriend the 6th. I remembered my mother finding out and moving us, and my cousins who were like sisters to me not speaking to us anymore because my mom left my dad. I know the basics of all of this before but I didn’t remember how I felt…how abandoned we were by people we thought really cared about us.
So today, I have a very clear and virtually seamless memory of my past, and it makes me view everything differently. In the process I figured out what my heart believes about God and what it’s all about and it’s a really peaceful place for me to be. Not to say life is all easy and roses, but it all feels so much better. I’d recommend the trip to anyone trying to figure out what they need to do to get better, just take some time away from everything you can and be one with your own mind for a while, you may be surprised at how much it helps.
WLG
