From my "disfellowshipped" diary

by AlmostAtheist 13 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  AlmostAtheist

  NoNameGiven's thread on the Walk of Shame (walking thru the hall while DF'd) reminded me of my own experience while disfellowshipped and still a believer. I kept a diary from that time, serving as a safe place to vent off the anger and frustration of being DF'd.

  Here is a little chunk of one entry. To set it up, "Greg" was the chairman of the committee that DF'd me. "Stan" was one of the other members. (There was also a Norm, but he's kind of an idiot and I didn't mention him much). This was written after my first request to be reinstated was declined.

  ============
  I explained to Greg the perversity I see in Jehovah approving of the meting
  out of a punishment that is so severe that Carol, and even
  Ken (our presiding overseer, and a part-time circuit overseer)
  have all suggested I seek therapy. Relating it again to Zach, I told him
  that if I disciplined Zachary for ANY offense so severely that he needed
  medical treatment in order to recover from it or endure it, I would be put
  in jail.

  While the brothers listened as patiently as anyone could have asked, they
  did not in any respect waver in their position. I asked how the God of mercy
  could apply justice so thoroughly and mercy so lightly in this one respect.
  I asked where in the Bible we see any examples of anyone being punished by
  Jehovah for an extended period of time. During my last hearing, I
  volunteered Miriam as an example of a person that underwent a torture of
  sorts at the hands of Jehovah. But it lasted one week, not six months. Greg
  offered the story of Achan, but I pointed out that Achan was killed, not
  tortured. In the world, a man who kills someone is not regarded as evil in
  the same way that a man that ties someone up in his basement and tortures
  them for his own amusement is. To cause death is awful, but to cause torture
  is so horrific that nations have officially condemned it even during
  wartime.

  So my pleas for mercy were not met with deafness or indifference, but more
  of a government-agency mentality of "that's just our policy". Both brothers
  acknowledged that Jehovah himself knows if my repentance is sincere and
  lasting and if they had a direct line to Jehovah and could simply call and
  ask him, they could potentially reinstate me today. This is comforting in a
  sense, because it gives me permission to believe that Jehovah is not
  purposefully torturing me. I am suffering at the hands of men, not God.
  =====================

  If I had discovered JWD while I was DF'd, I seriously doubt I would've stayed a JW. The DF'ing experience showed me that it was possible for Jehovah's Organization to get things seriously wrong, as I believed even then that this was.

  I like looking at this diary now and then to remind me of what can happen when you let someone else rule your life. What a mess this was!

  Dave
• 

  Honesty

  Dave, your notes prove how the Watchtower Society causes its representatives to have black holes in their empty hearts.

  I subjected myself to a JW Trinity Council once. It was all too obvious that since I was one of their 'Golden Boyz' I was going to get off with a little handslap. I got physically sick when the three Glorious Ones announced that I had made an 'error' in judgement and since I had 'repented' there was no need to publicize anything. We could keep it all between ourselves. I was just as much a hypocrite as they were for going along with the 'arrangement' and should have escaped then and there. But no, I had to 'make progress' and 'reach out.' I still get sick when I think about the double standards and BS this cult comes up with.
• 

  itsallgoodnow

  My diary entries over the years were usually only written when something serious had happened, but it's interesting to see where I was during that time and the frustration and pain. It's an amazing way to chronicle personal growth. When you read it, you always realize just how much you didn't know then and how different it would have been had you known what you know now.

  thanks for sharing it with us, AA.
• 

  Wasanelder Once

  Almost,

  Your diary makes for good reading. What a strange world we submitted to in those days. To think that people could cooperate to do something so fundementally foreign to human kindness is staggering. You found the perfect way to cope. I hope that Anonymous will heed your example and vent. He's doing it on the board and I suppose its accomplishing the same sort of thing.

  W.Once
• 

  becca1

  That was good reasoning you used. Thank you for sharing.
• 

  gordon d

  He Almost,
  Thanks for sharing... there have been many times that I regret not keeping a diary of some period of life. Very wisdomus!
  
  The line about a direct line to Jehovah reminded me of a converstaion with my sister about the reinstatement policies. It seemed so hypocritical that a group of elders feel that Jehovah actually sends an angel to guide the brothers in the decision about DF'ing someone. so that with a certain degree of confidence we can be sure that Jehovah is ensuring the wise decisions of his shepherds. (((their words...not mine))) Yet the same angel must be on a 6 month coffee break when a DF'd person returns to say that they have changed their ways and want back in.
  
  TRUE STORY: A young man who was (and IS) very close to me was at my home, talking on the phone to his uncle (an elder) and asking about being reinstated... He was saying that he had learned from his mistakes, was miserable, and wanted to come home. The response from his uncle was that this situation was a lot like the prodigal son and that the young man should read that story, think about his life, and they could discuss this with the commity in 6 to 8 weeks after a time to see if he was really sincere.... He said he'd even schedule it!
  
  I've never wanted to spit in someone's face so badly in my life! Is THIS the WTS viewpoint on the "gentile application" of the parable of the prodigal son?
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  I've never wanted to spit in someone's face so badly in my life! Is THIS the WTS viewpoint on the "gentile application" of the parable of the prodigal son?

  Funny you should mention, I just read this passage in the diary. (Yeah, I got sucked into reading the whole thing again!)

  =====================

  Having gone through the most traumatic event of my life, I can say without
  reservation that it would have been less difficult to contend with had I not
  had to do it alone. By the time my repentance has been established as
  'assured', the most traumatic portions of it will have passed, with the
  resulting scars indelibly imprinted on my heart. Had I had the support of my
  friends during these six months, I can only imagine what a better period
  they would have been. Instead of the blackened, sickly heart of a shunned
  sinner, I could have experienced the surprised joy that came over the
  prodigal son when his father and household treated him with dignity and
  rejoiced at his return.
  
  Jehovah says the angels rejoice over the repentance of a sinner, so it seems
  out of step that his organization delays this rejoicing until a clinically
  cold "volatility period" passes. With such scant scriptural guidance for
  reinstatement policy, it seems as if we should err on the side of helping a
  repentant sinner, rather than dealing harshly until a potential
  repeat-offender can prove he's not one.

  ======================
• 

  Woofer

  Thank you for sharing. I bet your diary was a sort of therapy for you.
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Damn! Dig this little gem:

  ===================

  It seems a Godless torment to subject a person to, particularly one that has
  expressed his repentance and gives no contrary indication through actions. I
  feel my heart shrinking, its inexorable entropy unabated by promises of a
  future release from its lonely prison. I imagine it, small and dark, sickly.
  Pumping quietly, but sadly. Its paper walls strain with the pressure of
  trying to force life throughout my soul, that neither desires it nor
  deserves it. Were I to turn to a former friend -- for indeed, they are not
  friends now, are they? -- for comfort, I would be summarily ignored. The
  heart would collapse further, and surely it could not withstand such a blow.

  ====================

  And yes, Woofer, it was very therapeutic.

  A theme that keeps coming up in the diary is the idea that a person becomes DISTRACTED from the business of actually being repentant in a bid to APPEAR repentant. The actual sin and the grief and shame of that becomes secondary to the shame and grief of being disfellowshipped. It's hard to explain, but it's like at the very time when your energies ought to be focused on fixing the wrong things you've done, you're instead expending them on trying to get reinstated, or dealing with the trauma of being shunned.

  What a totally f*cked up arrangement! The Governing Body better better be right about there not being a hell, 'cause there'd be a special spot reserved for them there.

  Dave
• 

  bebu

  Very powerful insights. Your observations then--and now--are like a knife. I wish your congregation could have read them and had a chance to understand what they were really doing to you.

  bebu