Hello! My mom is aJW and I have lots of questions!

by WANTMOMBACK 18 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Anitar

  Wantmomback: First if all, I love your alias; it totally describes how I feel. There's a couple of things I would like you to consider, and forgive me if they seem a bit redundant.

  Taking the responsibility of getting your mom out of the watchtower is an enormous undertaking. Before you do so, first and foremost, you have to be absolutely sure that they are 100 percent wrong. This means you can't have any lingering loyalty to the WTS or its teachings, otherwise how can you maintain a conversation with your mom? Remember, JW's are trained to sniff out the weakness in the person, so make sure you do your research so you know what your saying and can anticipate what she will say. That way you will be in control of the conversation.

  Second, do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to do this on your own. If you have relatives who don't believe you, and know nothing about the WTS, you have to convince them also. I know this seems like alot of work, but it will be well worth it. Make them well aware of the severity of the situation; your mother is in very real danger. Trust me; you don't want to be fighting your mother's WTS mentality and the indifference of your relatives at the same time. This will help you later down the line when you want to stage an intervention. You can read more about this in Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan. I suggest you buy it.

  Third, and this is more ambiguous, make sure that you are offering her a better alternative to her situation now. You see, it's not enough that you know this is a false religion, you must also know what is the true religion. And nothing can be more true than being yourself. Find out who you are first, and what you want before you attempt to do that for her. If she sees you as nothing more than a miserable "worldly" person, she will NEVER listen to you. Don't wait for her to put 2 and 2 together. You might be depressed and sad because she won't listen, not because of anything you're doing wrong. After all, one can't accept the truth without rejecting the lies, and you can't open one door without closing another behind you.

  She may on some level know this is all a lie, but she doesn't necessarily know the truth. That's where you come in. Show her that your love is unconditional and that you will always be there for her. I know it's exhausting, but if your situation were reversed, would you want her to give up on you?

  Finally, and this is the most important of all, take it one day at a time. Remember, you have your own life to live. I'd like to say never give up, but I don't want you to go insane in the process. In the end, it's really up to her. When all is said and done, you'll want more than anything to say that you tried your best, and you can't do anything more. The results are not as important as the struggle itself.

  I'm sorry for talking down to you, you're probably a mature adult and can figure all this out on your own. I mean you no disrespect at all, and I don't mean to preach or lecture to you. It's just that I'm in a similar situation as you, and I wish someone had told me this a long time ago.

  Good luck with everything and God Bless,

  Anitar
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  WANTMOMBACK

  thank you so much for all the advice. I will see what I can do.. I have a feeling nothing will work she will say that I am an apostate and that will be the end of it. She is absolutley consumed with this. Every free moment she has is dedicated to underlining and reading and finding other people to read it(the watchtower) to . I wish I could her but I truly don't think I can and the sad part is I think the only reason she went back to be reinstated is so she could talk to my aunts! Now everything from music to magazines to just about anything you can think of she says has some sort of demonic link to it. She didn't want me to buy something at a yard sale because she said the people who owned it may be into demonized music or rituals or whatever. I can't take the crazy anymore
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  Anitar

  Wantmomback: I'm so sorry; this must be tearing you apart. I want you to know that even though we don't know each other, I feel alot like you. I wouldn't say that if I was uncertain how much our mothers mean to us. Please know that I care deeply for you and I wish you the best of luck in helping her.

  You may be wondering if I have had any progress with my mom, and I'm sorry to say very little. She agreed to read Combating Cult MindControl, and I remain hopeful, but perhaps the time has come for me to accept the truth that I cannot change her. I don't want to give up, and I know it is a contradiction of what I told you and of my Christian values, but like you said, I can't take the crazy anymore. On one hand, I am bound by my faith in God to put her needs above mine, to sacrifice myself to save her, but I'm not sure if that's necessary. I have spent the last five years trying to reason with her. I gave up being a child and a teenager and forced myself to grow up for her. And what did it get me? An empty house. All my efforts to get her away from the watchtower simply made her the perfect host. I didn't realize it until it was too late,

  Our mothers might have the ability deep down to see they're living a lie, but I've come to see that it is not our abilities that make us who we are, it is our choices. She chose to be a member of this cult. Yes, she was lied to, yes they are devious, but she chose to listen to complete strangers rather than her own family. She gave birth to a child that she would later abandon, she raised a son that she never listened to, and joined a cult that works her to death, all the while knowing better.

  There's so much I want to say to her. Mostly I want to say I'm sorry. Every parent and child deserves to be loved unconditionally, and I thought that was the kind of love that I had for her. Maybe if I did it would have been different. But I chose to be too harsh with her. I thought she was just doing this for fun, or to get free food and clothes from the witnesses. I didn't see that she was crying out for attention. Her divorce left her shattered and alone, and I was too busy with school to notice. I suppose you have a choice to make also. To let her go and live your own life, or to stay behind and help her reclaim her own. I hope you fare better than I did.

  There is one thing you can always do. You can enjoy this beautiful day. After all, we get so few of them.

  Farewell,

  Anitar
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  jgnat

  WantMomBack: I can't take the crazy anymore

  Anitar: I've come to see that it is not our abilities that make us who we are, it is our choices. She chose to be a member of this cult. Yes, she was lied to, yes they are devious, but she chose to listen to complete strangers rather than her own family.

  You two ladies are where I've been. I'd heard the scriptures to honor my parents, and about loving even when it is not returned. But I was terribly afraid my mom would suck me dry if I tried. I was afraid of losing my self in the process. Looking back, I had every right to be worried. Some people take without ever giving back. Learning about boundaries saved me, literally. You have a right to say "too much". You have the right to sit down with the users in your life and tell them what you won't put up with any more. Follow up with consequences, because users won't honor your boundaries for YOUR sake, but for THEIR sake. After all, it's all about them (at least in their minds).

  Anitar: On one hand, I am bound by my faith in God to put her needs above mine, to sacrifice myself to save her, but I'm not sure if that's necessary.

  It is a sacrifice in a way, to say "enough". Because you risk your parent cutting you off for being stern. She might tell you that you are being "UnChristian", or accuse you of not loving her any more. Don't buy it. The kindest thing you can do is show her how to love you properly, and possibly salvage the relationship. After I set boundaries with my mom, things got MUCH better. I've rather neglected her this year, but our relationship is much better. I had to lay down my dream of a loving mom. Instead, I allow her to be what she is, a mildly interested acquaintance, who enjoys regular correspondence.

  Anitar: There's so much I want to say to her. Mostly I want to say I'm sorry.... I didn't see that she was crying out for attention. Her divorce left her shattered and alone, and I was too busy with school to notice.

  You were being what you were. A twenty-something student. Very normal. Regular parents know this, and patiently wait for their children to return. But the Watchtower doesn't allow any normalcy, does it?

  Anitar: I suppose you have a choice to make also. To let her go and live your own life, or to stay behind and help her reclaim her own.

  I think WantMomBack can have both. To establish some boundaries can allow her to have a decent life, while still being available to her mom (within limits). I still think Grandma should be banned from the family during holidays.

  There is one thing you can always do. You can enjoy this beautiful day. After all, we get so few of them.

  That is true! I'm socked in to a winter wonderland. I beats the brown winter we had last year!
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  M.J.

  Anitar is right. Seek help in your community...ask around in local churches whether or not there are people with a JW background or ask around here.

  you will have a Private Message shortly...
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  LovesDubs

  My mother in law was a JW for many years and her second marriage was to a JW elder...her first husband left her over the witnesses. So....over the course of many years one of her never-a-JW daughters was gradually giving her scriptures to read from different translations and books to read and quotes from her own literature that she never saw before just to peak her interest. She eventually started to see things differently but nobody but nobody was going to tell this woman she wasnt in the "truth"...which was the case for most of us hard headed believers.

  After 25 years in, my mother in law DAd herself in 99. Her Elder husband left her right after this. She was lost. Had no friends any more, no husband, had no job...had never been alone before in her life. Suddenly in 02 she was looking at an album at my house of all our mutual JW ex friends and our weddings and showers and picnics with the JWs and went sobbing back to her room. She then, without saying anything, began the process of getting reinstated....she claimed all along she was doing it because it was the "truth". But we all know it was because she wanted her friends and husband back. She would talk to me occassionally in letters only (because she was trying to IMPRESS the elders by how SERIOUS she was about coming back by SHUNNING her apostate daughter in law) and she would quote the crap outta the JW literature and the bible trying to "convince" me that she herself was "re-convinced" that this was the TRUTH and she was for REAL about it. We all knew better.

  She knew it was all crap but she had to keep up the facade or the tower of blocks would fall again. And indeed after three years pretending that she was in the truth and seeing how the "friends" kept her at arms length still and how her husband returned to her only because she was reinstated and not because he loved her....she cracked again. The facade broke. She DAd again in Jan 06 and vowed never to NOT be true to herself for the sake of others again!

  Long long story's moral...dont give up on her. Dont break your neck to convince her that what she is being fed is crap. Chances are the love bombing will end, her bad marriage relationship will rear its ugly head again...and she will come around.

  My MIL was praying as a JW that her own kids would DIE bfore armageddon gets here so they would have a ressurection. She was VERY hard core.

  There is hope.
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  wvpeach

  wants mom back, first of all as a christian without denominational ties I bring up religion to my three grown children reguarly.

  I am sure they don't really appreciate it , but they are respectful enough to listen awhile.

  As a gal with a father that was a minister and overzealous himself , I had to make it clear to hi that certain topics were off limits for discussion.

  Like the fact I took my teenage sons to buy condoms , just to make sure they knew where and how.

  Killed my dad when they let that slip I was condoning premaritial sex. No I wasn't , but two wrongs don't make a right and a unwanted baby was not happening at my house.

  Over the years I have had to set many limits with my over zealous father. He understands what I will tolerate now and what I won't.

  For instance I would not tolerate him writing my daughter when she was in the Army in Irag that she better get baptized if she didn't want to end up in hell .

  Set some limits, stick to your guns and enjoy your mother .

  She'll be glad of the known limits and she'll be glad to spend time with you when she knows what to expect.
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  jgnat

  Nice to see you around, wvpeach. I'd thought you'd given up on us.
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  WANTMOMBACK

  wow that is funny you say that because I always get the feeling that my mom wishes(secretly) that something would happen to us so we would make it through. I have tried every angle with my mom but I can't make any progress. My life has been so screwed up I have seen my dad beat the living s$%t out of my mother and one of my siblings and then deny doing it and she will also deny he did it until the time comes when she is angry with him and then she doesn't minimize it anymore but as soon as everything is OK again then she goes back to the land of denial. I don't know how someone so pious and devoted to her religion can overlook some of the things that she does. for instance my dad's gambling(he is not a JW) his degrading attitude and the beating of his children. I can't understand why she won't leave and when I ask she says because he hasn't given me reason!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! She misses meetings only for things she deems necessary. Such as vacation or dinner with people she hasn't seen in awhile or out of town company. OK OK I am rambling again Sorry!!!!