I need to vent I guess. It's been a little while since I've even looked at the board. I've tried to make a break to somehow get my life moving again, and I never wanted to be one to write a good bye post. I guess I somehow know inside that growing up a jw is something that you can never really leave. And so I find myself here again. But this time out of desperation and a need to vent. I feel my life circling the drain hole and I don't know what to do about it. I feel lost, more lost than I can express. As I write this I am wiping my eyes as I truly feel trapped with no way out. I have to admit, in my years as a jw I felt my life had more direction. I know that it was misguided and harmful, but there is something to be said for direction and purpose. To have what I thought was the Truth exposed and ripped from under me has shaken me to my very core. I don't quite know what to believe in or where to go. I believed so strongly before and now to discover that I was so wrong has made me unsteady and unsure. I am finding it hard to trust my own judgement in anything now. And so now I am living my life in a state of paralysis, afraid to make any moves as they might be the wrong ones, on the other hand I feel why bother. I start projects and can't seem to finish them, for fear they won't measure up. I find myself frozen from starting anything fearing it will turn to dirt, and I will have failed yet again. I can't decide the what or why of anything. It has pained me so much. I was not always like this. Now it is beginning to affect me in ways I don't seem to be able to control, and it scares me to death. I feel like I am in a tunnel with a train heading for me and I can't seem to get off on the track. I tell myself to move and my feet feel stuck. I am considered pretty good at what I do, but I find myself with absolutely no motivation to do it anymore. I have associates that look and feel foreign to me now. And the anger that I thought I had worked through is still here and more deeply rooted than I think I have the ability to root out. My family is all in, and probably so for life. Am I really any better off? I want to curl up and just go away. Thanks for letting me vent a little.
just need to vent.
by Axelspeed 10 Replies latest jw friends
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jstalin
Hi Axelspeed,
I'm very sorry for how you feel. I can recommend a book, called "Man's search for meaning" by Victor Frankl. It's about a guy who was at the absolute bottom of the world, a survivor of a concentration camp, and how he was able to find meaning in life through the most desperate times.
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Dismembered
Greetings Axelspeed
If misery loves company, you have plenty here. Many here feel as you do. Like the proverbial rug of [fill in blank] has been pulled from us. Welcome back. Hope coming here makes you feel better
Dismembered
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hopelesslystained
Sorry, I'm on firefox and just have not figured out how to make this look right.
I need to vent I guess. It's been a little while since I've even looked at the board. I've tried to make a break to somehow get my life moving again, and I never wanted to be one to write a good bye post.
*** Hi Axel, I realize I personally do not have much clout here on the board, since I do not post much nor have I exposed myself, so to speak. I understand how the need to vent can build and become action. Goodbye’s among confidant’s and friends, in my experience, have been only for temporary reasons anyway.
I guess I somehow know inside that growing up a jw is something that you can never really leave.
*** This is very true, but you can put the experience in its place in yourself and use the parts you feel have been beneficial, if any.
And so I find myself here again. But this time out of desperation and a need to vent. I feel my life circling the drain hole and I don't know what to do about it. I feel lost, more lost than I can express. As I write this I am wiping my eyes as I truly feel trapped with no way out.
*** Again, in my experience, this feeling you are describing is only that, a feeling. Ask yourself, are you allowing your childhood ingrained reasoning to control your thoughts right now? If so, why? Do you feel somehow undeserving of making your own decisions and that they are incorrect?
I have to admit, in my years as a jw I felt my life had more direction. I know that it was misguided and harmful, but there is something to be said for direction and purpose.
*** But, direction and purpose dictated to you by another is most likely for their own gratification. The toughest lesson I had to learn was that I was capable of make good decisions, even if those decisions did not please everyone, they were from the ‘gut’ and have proved over time to be correct for me and my being. To have what I thought was the Truth exposed and ripped from under me has shaken me to my very core. I don't quite know what to believe in or where to go. Look to yourself, honestly talk to yourself and ask/direct your questions to whomever, or whatever may be in charge of your personal best interests. An open and honest (in my case an out loud conversation with my reflection in the mirror) clearly stating my concerns, wishes, and sad nesses, brought about a certain calmness, certainness and happiness developed over approximately the next 6 mos. Life has been free of your currently expressed feelings which I have shared.
I believed so strongly before and now to discover that I was so wrong has made me unsteady and unsure. I am finding it hard to trust my own judgement in anything now. And so now I am living my life in a state of paralysis, afraid to make any moves as they might be the wrong ones, on the other hand I feel why bother. See the above, you can do it. I start projects and can't seem to finish them, for fear they won't measure up. I find myself frozen from starting anything fearing it will turn to dirt, and I will have failed yet again. I can't decide the what or why of anything. It has pained me so much. I was not always like this. Now it is beginning to affect me in ways I don't seem to be able to control, and it scares me to death. I feel like I am in a tunnel with a train heading for me and I can't seem to get off on the track. I tell myself to move and my feet feel stuck. I am considered pretty good at what I do, but I find myself with absolutely no motivation to do it anymore. I have associates that look and feel foreign to me now. And the anger that I thought I had worked through is still here and more deeply rooted than I think I have the ability to root out.
*** I can so totally understand. After all, weren’t we taught the current system, world, whatever, were going to be destroyed anyway? Why bother “all will come to ruin on Jehovah’s day of vindication” anyway.
My family is all in, and probably so for life. Am I really any better off? I want to curl up and just go away. Thanks for letting me vent a little. -
hopelesslystained
help! anyone else on firefox!
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zagor
Axelspeed I can completely understand your feelings. At one time I was at the similar place because of many things but primarily for letting myself be directed by WTBS into the place where I almost lost my head, while they just cowardly hid away. It is a story for some another time, but feelings in the aftermath are almost identical. For all that time I've had some deeply rooted internal drive that wouldn't let me give up though. I guess you can call it some sort of primordial instinct.
The process was slow and painful, I had to go right back to the beginning and in a way be reborn (not in neo-christian kind of way) I had to relearn how to appreciate simple things in life, how to be able to enjoy singing of birds again, how to enjoy smell of pine tree forest or enjoy reflection of moon on the surface of ocean at night. All of that was dead in me.
In time I came to realize just what destructive influence wtbs attitudes toward life had on my own life. If one is to take anything from the bible at all I'd take Jesus' words where he said something like 'according to their fruits you'll recognize them'
If something is so good and from devine being somewhere beyond our comprehension then every single JW would be completely in tune and harmony with these beautiful things in nature, they would have human instincts that that original creator installed in them which for the most part would be sharpened more than its is the case with the rest of mankind.
Why is it that just about every JW in time loses those simple human characteristics that have been with us since the beginning of time? There has to be something wrong with the way they see the world.
But I completely understand your feeling. I remember watching video that was shot several years ago in Russia, when those Muslim terrorists took those poor kids and held them as hostages in school. You probably remember that. Those kids were so traumatized that when everything was breaking down and Russian police and army were on their tail there was I think an explosion or something if I remember properly. Anyway, this little girl was thrown out of window outside which gave her unexpected chance to flee for her life. But what did she do? Did she run? No she was so disoriented that she climbed back through the window and went back into the harms way. I don't remember details but I think she might have even been killed later. That is what extreme stress does to your soul and you being.
You have to fight, go back to the beginnings. Remember what you loved doing once before you became rooted in that religion. Freedom is an awesome and awe-inspiring thing. After all that was what Jesus promises - You will know the truth and the truth will set you free. But where is that freedom among JW. While inside I always wondered that. What was it that Jesus meant then.
Life is a beautiful thing, don't waste it, you have only one shot at it. Enjoy every moment and share it with somebody you love and let them know that. Life is not a destination, as WTBS would like us all to believe, it is a process, a process that can be enjoyed if you just allow yourself to relax.
Look at nature around you, you see how everything is in harmony all you need to do is to let yourself be in harmony with the nature. -
BabaYaga
Axelspeed, HANG IN THERE... it really, honestly does get better!!!! There is nothing more frightening than free choice if someone else has always thought for you. A blank canvas is daunting to a painter! Hopefully soon you will see only the magnificence of it.
Hopelessly, you have a hopefully informative PM!
Cheers
Baba. -
jaguarbass
in my years as a jw I felt my life had more direction. I know that it was misguided and harmful, but there is something to be said for direction and purpose. To have what I thought was the Truth exposed and ripped from under me has shaken me to my very core. I don't quite know what to believe in or where to go.
I can relate to your feelings. Its kind of understandable why some people dont want to leave the organization, subconciously they know they will have to face and deal with these thoughts that you mention. It is also why I dont try to save friends and family in the organization. I dont want to stand by and watch them have their beliefs, their fiber for living destroyed collapse like a house made out of plyaing cards,and I myself not be able to fill the vacum that has been created. I dont know whether its true or not but a born again friend once told me the empty spot one feels inside is where God is supposed to reside. Maybe you could put God back in your life with out all the theocratic, buerocratic entanglements. For all of us life is what we make it. The bible says each one has to work out his own salvation. Good luck in your journey.
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codeblue
(((Axelspeed)))
I feel a lot like you do....I wish I had some answers for you. But I am lost as well.
When we get medical insurance I plan on finding a good "exit counselor" ... Have you thought about that?
Meanwhile, are there any posters that live close enough for you to meet?
Hang in there...
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sass_my_frass
Yeah I've been there. I was deliriously stressed out. Really needed to step out of my stupid job and lick my wounds. I'm getting better, but it's not easy and it takes ages.
now I am living my life in a state of paralysis, afraid to make any moves as they might be the wrong ones, on the other hand I feel why bother
Yeah done that too, it was so hard to trust my own judgment after I'd made such a massive choice. Have you made any good choices since? List them. I'd put 'getting out of WBTS' at the top to start with.