Hi everyone :)
I have been reading the posts here for a while and decided it was time to introduce myself and tell you about my experiences. Sorry it is so long, but there is quite alot to tell!
I was half brought up as a JW from birth. I say 'half' because I had a rather unusual family set up. I lived between my grandparents and my parents. My parents weren't JW's, my mother had decided not to become a JW when my grandmother did years before.
From as far back as I can remember I would spend half my week with my parents and the other half with my grandparents. My time with my parents wasn't too great, they were very poor and I had a younger brother and sister that I didn't get on with terribly well, so I preferred to be with my grandparents where I was given everything I wanted and had a very comfortable life. My grandfather is an elder. I used to be taken to the meetings on a Sunday, but I was always at my parents house on the days of the meetings during the week. I also was taken out on FS at the weekends which I never liked.
So I had a split life, and as I got older it manifested itself all the more. At my parents house (and at school) I was an average kid. I always got birthday presents and celebrated Christmas with my parents. Then for the time I was at my grandparents house, I was being brought up as a JW. I had a weekly family bible study which I have to say bored me to tears most of the time. As I got older and more rebellious I would sit in silence during our study, refuse to read paragraphs out of whichever book we were studying (usually the 'Live Forever' book) and I would give awkward and sometimes sarcastic comments whenever they asked me questions. I was a real handful!!
When I was about 14 I started to take it all more seriously. I was practically living with my grandparents full time at this point and so I was exposed more to the whole thing. I always believed that it was the 'Truth', and the fear of what would happen to me if I didn't do what I should made me decide that I should become a JW. So I started to get my life 'in line' with how it is expected, attended all the meetings and became a publisher. I joined the TMS and almost died of fright when I had to give my first talk. Eventually when I was 15 I was baptized. Even then I had doubts, not about the validity of what I was told, but whether I was 'up to it'. But I struggled on and did the best I could. I pioneered a few times and decided that I would leave school at 16, get a part time job and pioneer. I never really wanted to, if the truth be told I hated going out on FS. I was always dreading going to the door of any school friends, and my stomach would be churning for the whole time I was out. But it was the 'right' thing to do, so thats what I planned.
So I left school with the minimum of qualifications and got a part time job cleaning houses. I started to build up my FS hours, but the more I did it the more unhappy I became. I had only one real friend in my congregation. She had her own battles and found it as hard as I did, so in that way we could relate to each other in a way I couldn't relate to the other young ones in the congregation. I was so lonely. My best friend was still at school so when she wasn't around I felt totally isolated. I stopped going out on FS as much and spent a lot of time alone. Eventually I met someone who I had been at school with and we started secretly dating. Not so long after, the inevitable happened lol. The relationship fizzled out and I was left in an awful situation. Here I was, granddaughter of an elder, who had commited this 'sin'. I couldnt face telling anyone. I carried on going to meetings and putting on a front but inside it was tearing me apart. What was the point of it all if Jehovah was going to punish me at Armaggedon for what I had done? But I just couldn't face going to the Elders. Eventually it all got too much and during a heated argument with my grandad I blurted it out. He almost passed out with shock I think. Straight away I packed a bag and moved out, to go and live with my parents.
The elders were after me for weeks. They kept turning up at my parents house and I would hide, telling my mother to tell them I wasnt in. Eventually the Presiding Overseer saw me in the street and I had no escape. He persuaded me to attend a judicial hearing, as he put it 'for my grandparents sake'. I reluctantly agreed and went. All the way through it I sat there totally detached from it all. They tried everything to talk me round, they didn't give me a hard time, but they did lay a guilt trip on me. I had been quite highly regarded within the congregation and they were as shocked by it as my grandparents. But I didn't want to know, and they reluctantly said that I would be disfellowshipped. Even after it had been decided, on the way out of the KH one of the elders tried to get me to change my mind. I think if I had relented, they would have left the whole matter. I dont think I would even have been reproved, they seemed so desperate to keep hold of me. Dunno why.
So the following Thursday it was annouced. Apparently a gasp went up from the congregation. The worst part was that my grandfather was scheduled to give the first item after the announcement. So he did, and I was told that he cried all the way through the item. How compassionate of the elders to put him in that situation.
Two months went by and I was so miserable. I had nothing and no one. No decent job, no friends, not a very good relationship with my parents and a non existent one with my grandparents. So I decided to go back. I moved back to my grandparents house and started attending the meetings again. And oh what fun that was. Sitting at the back like a leper, avoiding the gaze of everyone, or them avoiding mine. But I carried on, as even then I still believed it was the truth. Three months later I was reinstated.
So everything got back to normal. I got a full time job, couldn't face the prospect of pioneering, but I did my 'bit' at the weekends and kept in the elders good books. For two years I was quite happy, I still found it hard to relate to the people in my congregation. My best friend had left the congregation by this time so I had no real close friends.
Gradually I made friends with people I worked with. After a while my circle of friends grew and I finally remembered what it was like to have true friends, not just being friends with someone because it was required of me. I started to build a life outside the organisation, I was financially independent and more importantly I knew I wouldnt be alone if I left the congregation again.
I planned my escape for months. I knew I couldnt leave the congregation while still living with my grandparents, I couldn't go through all that emotional turmoil again. So I found a place of my own to live. From the day I moved out, that was the end of my life as a JW. I was 19 years old. I calmly told my grandparents that I didnt want it anymore. I hadn't done anything wrong so there were no grounds to disfellowship me again. There was no way I was going to let that happen again anyway. I just wanted to slip away quietly. No big statements. Luckily the elders left me alone and I got on with my new life and was never happier.
Shortly afterwards I met someone who I have been with for 7 years now. We hadn't been together for long when I fell pregnant. As soon as my grandparents found out, there was talk of me being disfellowshipped again. But it had been a year since I left and the only JW's I had any contact with were my grandparents, so I persuaded the elders not to disfellowship my as all it would do is mess up my relationship with them. We got on so much better anyway, they did still go on at me from time to time about going back, but all in all we had a much better relationship.
So I had finally made my escape. Although at that time it was only a physical one. I was pyscologically trapped for quite a few more years. I would think about my daughter, would I see her grow up? I felt so guilty that I had brought her into this world only for her and me to die at Armaggedon. It haunted me for years. But I could never go back. It just wasn't 'in me'.
It was only about two years ago that I started reading up on JW's on the internet. And it was only then that I learned what I was never told. After just one night of sitting in front of my computer and reading for hours I was finally able to break the hold that the JW's had over me. I didn't believe it anymore. I had a future to look forward to.
And so here I am, 27 years old with a great partner and two great kids. And they are going to have all the things I never did. They are not going to brought up to live in guilt and fear, they are going to live their own lives and do with it what they want. I wish I could make up for all the years I lost, but I can't. At least I got away and I feel so lucky.