Five Mistakes women make in relationships

Wendy_Warden

Okay guys, this is for you. In your personal opinon what are the five mistakes women make in relationships? I know everyone is going to have a different answer but I'd like to see if there's a tread throughout. I had a guy friend ask me why girls behave the way we do (he said I didn't count because I was unusally good.) I wasn't ure what to say to him. He said that he had a girl who turned him down for dates ove and over again and then wanted to be really involed in his life on a highly personal level. What do you think?

Thanks.

tall penguin

Well, I can only speak from experience here.

1. Expecting their significant other to be everything they need, particularly emotionally. No one can do this. It puts enormous pressure on a relationship. Women (and men) need to be realistic in what they expect of their SO and get some of their emotional needs met elsewhere, from within themselves or through girlfriends, family, a therapist, etc.

2. Hanging on to fairy-tale notions of love and relationship. Reading romance novels definitely doesn't help! Sometimes I think women get so caught up in their idealistic view of what "should" be that they can't deal with what IS, again putting pressure on the SO to live up to unrealistic standards.

3. Not keeping boundaries with family clear. Sometimes women involve their mothers, sisters, other family in relationship issues hoping to get "other points of view". In reality though, some women just want someone to take their side, against their SO. While that may be a valid stand at certain times, family isn't in relationship with your SO and it is you who must make the decisions regarding your relationship. And often, once they're let in, family can cause wedges in your relationships if you're not clear with your boundaries.

4. Not being clear with finances. Money is the number one issue with couples in long-term relationship. Women need to be clear about keeping hold of their own financial identity and clarifying what areas of the finances they will share with their SO and which they will keep separate.

5. Not really hearing their SO. (Both sexes do this.) I find women, myself included, hear things through their own filter, based on their own experiences. Actually, we all do this to some extent. And we can quickly think we know what the other person is saying because we think we've heard it before or it sounds similar to something else we've experienced. In reality though, we may have no idea what our SO is trying to convey unless we are willing to listen first, allow them their full expression (even if it's not what we want to hear) and then be willing to mirror it back to ensure that what we heard was really what they wanted to convey. And keep going back and forth until the communication is clear. The book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg is a great read on the subject.

tall penguin

Edited to add: OOOOPS! I'm not a guy! Sorry Wendy. I'm gonna leave my thoughts up anyways. Incidentally, these are the points most guys tell me are issues in their relationships.

Wendy_Warden

Don't sweat it penguin. You gave a ery indepth answer. Thanks!

reneeisorym

That was very well put. My thoughts exactly (only much better said)

Little Drummer Boy

Hmmm.....

Before I get into this, I have to put out there that if you are reading this wifey, then I'm only generalizing and not talking about us. Really. Seriously. I love you.

Anyway, let's see..

This is in no particular order, is just off the top of my head, is probabl;y a bad list, and I am only generalizing here. (ie. not all men react this way). Also, obviously not all women do these things.:

1) Don't assume a man is psychic. While many men are very good at reading the feelings of women, many more are not. We men can not just "know" what you are thinking. The classic exchange that follows goes to this point.

man: "Honey, are you mad at me?"

woman: "Yes."

man: "I'm sorry. What did I do?"

woman: "You know, and if you don't I'm not going to tell you." (In other words, read my mind)

2) Not realizing that many men are not as able or willing as you to share deep feelings. Especially feelings pertaining to some failure on our part. Our egos are enormously fragile on many subjects. And, it isn't that we don't have feelings, but we are generaly conditioned by society to supress the expression of those feelings. Who hasn't heard the expression that, "Real men don't cry." I'm not saying I agree with that sentiment, but that is the reality of society (in the US at least).

3) As a counter-point to the above, sometimes we really don't have any feelings on a particular subject. Few things are more aggravating than to have a woman keep asking over, and over, and over what/how we feel about a certain (insert whatever here....meal, paint color, movie, etc.), when we really, really, really, honestly don't give a flying f@#$ in a rolling donut about it. I guess you ladies have to be mind readers to sometimes. No, seriously though. If you want his opinion on something (again, insert whatever trivial thing here, paint color, where to eat, etc.) and he says "I don't care.", then leave it at that He probably means it.

4) Assuming he knows how to be romantic. We want you to be happy, and (most) men will gladly do things that you consider romantic, but we aren't really rasied to know what those things are. Also, it varies woman to woman. If you want flower petals strewn all over the bed because you think that's cool, ya gotta let us know that. Some of these things don't occur to us.

5) Some men need more personal or "hang out with the guys" time than others. This doesn't mean they love you any less. It just means that to keep their relationship "batteries" charged, they have to hang out with their buds and "relax" the standards of conduct a little. I don't mean the moral standards, I'm talking about relaxing the social standards. To put it bluntly, sometimes a guy just wants to hang out with people who won't look at him funny if he farts in there presence.

It took me forever to type this, so I'm not sure what others posts are gonna hit the board before I submit this. Probably posts with a great deal more insight, but these were the things that came to mind first.

Wendy_Warden

Thanks Drummer Boy, that was great. I really want to hear what you guys have to say about. Thanks for being so thorough!

stillajwexelder

I would say number 1 is many women expect men to be mind readers (and that includes mind readers on what they have done wrong, money issues, where they want to be touched etc.)

Hey women , you tend to be better communicators than men anyway, so communicate - say what is upsetting you. Dont expect mind-readers.

sspo

1. Expecting their significant other to be everything they need, particularly emotionally. No one can do this. It puts enormous pressure on a relationship. Women (and men) need to be realistic in what they expect of their SO and get some of their emotional needs met elsewhere, from within themselves or through girlfriends, family, a therapist, etc.

I agree with penquin 100%

Women marry a man and they they try to womanize him and persecute him when he cannot fulfill every need that she has.

Most men are not complicated and needy, but you take care of him and show appreciation for what he does for you and you will see what he will do for you.

Put him down daily and you will lose him

reneeisorym

Hey women , you tend to be better communicators than men anyway, so communicate - say what is upsetting you. Dont expect mind-readers.

If I am upset and not talking its because I want attention. If I tell you I want attention then it doesn't mean as much when you give it to me. I want you to want to spend time with me and if you don't want to, then don't -- in which case I am still going to be mad.

If there is anything else wrong... I WILL let you know.

I might be speaking for myself and not all women? I just know how I feel.

Abandoned

Five mistakes?

1) Misunderstanding my need for ME time. When I don't want to talk, it probably isn't about you, it's about me, but by pressing me, it may become about you too.

2) Don't make me feel guilty for wanting sex. If you don't want to, let me know, but my sex drive, faster or slower than yours, is not something that needs to be fixed. We just have to figure out how we are going to handle the differences. Plus, I don't think you're fat or ugly. If you keep giving me that "do me now" look, I'll want you no matter what. I do need the "do me now" look though.

3) Football isn't a way to get away from you or your mom or any of your friends. It isn't an excuse to get out of cleaning or helping around the house and it isn't a time I want to have or start a serious conversation. I'll respect what shows and things are important to you if you respect mine.

4) I've stated it in one above, but not wanting to talk isn't anything to be taken personal. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men like to talk after they've solved the problem or when they can't. If they still feel they can do it themselves, they will. I fit that description perfectly.

5) If you want flowers, special notes, breakfast in bed, etc, remember that there may be things that I like, that I probably won't ask for, that you may not want to do, that would make me very grateful. I'm not talking about quid pro quo here. It's just that if I see someone doing things for me that I know they don't care for (not necessarily sexual here) than I'm going to more alert to doing the things I don't particularly care for that I know you like.

[edit] This was my 666th post. LOL. I'm sure there's some prophetic or ironic message there somewhere.

Five Mistakes women make in relationships

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