Family is all that counts. Families may have their differences, but they must always close ranks and bond together when trouble strikes, as it always does sooner or later in every home. No family member has the right to allow any other member to be insulted or treated rudely, or with disrespect. Loyalty to family is supreme, with loyalty between husband and wife being the highest. What kind of a wife allows people to trample on her husband's pride and dignity? She needs a major wake-up call on where her true loyalties need to be. Good luck and God bless. I wish you success in this and in all things. Susan
Having a hard time with this, what to do, what to do
by nonamegiven 30 Replies latest jw experiences
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nonamegiven
I've been giving this a lot of thought. I will not call the PO and ask that these folks not bring meals over. Like I said, my wife is still very devout and needs that association and I don't think it's right for me to deny her of that when afterall, this situation is after all because of my actions.
But I WILL NOT be humilated in my own home and as someone said, in front of my own kids. I will not be overly friendly to them but I will act as I would if anyone one of you came to my house offering to help my family. If they can't take me being polite, then it is up to them to deal with it. In the end, I hope they will realize it is them that is acting in an unatural and un Christ-like way, not me.
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Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit
Another fine example that proves that the JWs have no sense or concern for manners or proper behavior of any sort. How thankful I am to no longer be subject to their meanness w/ the excuse that it pleases god. Sorry for your suffering, but really happy about your little son!!! Congrats!!! May he never carry a microphone.
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nonamegiven
"May he never carry a microphone."
That's hillarious! LOL. I hope he never does.
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jgnat
nonamegiven, I think you are finding your way through the emotional minefield. I like what SusanHere said:
What kind of a wife allows people to trample on her husband's pride and dignity? She needs a major wake-up call on where her true loyalties need to be.
Perhaps you need to negotiate what behavior will not be accepted in your home. Shunning would be top of my list. Suggest that your wife warn guests that if they plan on coming over and ignoring you that they can give their well-wishes from the front step.
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Jez
Just think, everything you do will be watched over by the elders.
This was not my experience. The elders are too few and too busy to watch over you. I was reinstated after attending meetings for 3 months. I started writing letters to them within a month of attending meetings. One day, the elders contacted ME about reinstatement. After that, we talked and still do sometimes, but when I decide to invite them into my personal life and world, not them forcing their way into my life. I told them that my relationship with God was personal, and thanked them for doing their part in opening doors for me.
They have left me alone, because I made it clear that I wanted to be left alone. "Don't call me, I'll call you", kind of conversation.
Shunning you in your own home, that would make me nervous for my children to see the lack of respect that others show me and I would not want them to subtly get the message that I am have done something 'bad', or am a 'bad' person, or not deserving of respect. ESPECIALLY if Mom goes along with it. Not long before they learn the lesson that others dictate how you should be treated, that you have no say in it yourself.
Jez
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jgnat
Jez, from what I can see the elders are fickle when deciding who deserves attention. There are men they court (misery loves company?), and others they ignore (wishing they'd just go away?). I've seen the adult children of JW's hunted down, perhaps because the parents bring pressure to bear on the elders?
My husband is definitely high-maintenance. He is ignored. I suspect no elder wants to take him under his wing.
Another congregation member is a simple, humble immigrant with a medical condition. I suspect he's on the "ignore" list, too.
Women, especially widows, are sidelined. From what I can see. If they can't cover the literature counter or help the elders with their chores, what use are they to the elders?
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XU
I remember when I was in high school and DF'd the first time. People would come over and see my parents and ignore me. My brother even asked my mom to have me go in the basement because I made him uncomfortable and he thought it might stumble others who came over. I was still in the mind f&%^ of the dub world, so I dutifully went down the stairs. But it totally paid off in the end because I was able to see who these people really were. You, on the other hand, already know. And I am DF'd now for the 2nd and forever time, because I can't go to a hall for a year. I haven't read your whole story, but when I think about your little baby boy, and whatever other kids you might have, I think, oh please stay in that house and let them know as they grow that they have choices to be themselves and don't have to give it all to the borg. If you guys were split, she'd just have more ammo to use against you. This way, like I'm sure others have pointed out, you are the head. Also, you love your wife and family. That is a dilemma. I hope we can help as you go through this.
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acadian
Hello nonamegiven,
Matthew 18 (Amplified Bible)
15 "If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.
16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed and upheld by the testimony of two or three witnesses. (this is as far as elders follow this scripture, they ignore verse 17)
17 If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a pagan and a tax collector"
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The elders never bring the matter before the church as verse 17 brings out, everything is done in private/secrete in a backroom, then when the announcement is made all in the hall are left to speculate as to your "supposed" sin.
Elders are to be ministers to the cong. Not lords.
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Continuing on...
Matthew 18 (Amplified Bible)
21 Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? [As many as] up to seven times?
22 Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!
23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a human king who wished to settle accounts with his attendants.
24 When he began the accounting, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents [probably about $10,000,000], (this one represents the elders)
25 And because he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and his children and everything that he possessed, and payment to be made.
26 So the attendant (the elder) fell on his knees, begging him, Have patience with me and I will pay you everything.
27 And his master's heart (master = Christ) was moved with compassion, and he released him and forgave him [cancelling] the debt.
28 But that same attendant (the elder), as he went out, found one of his fellow attendants (could be you) who owed him a hundred denarii [about twenty dollars]; and he caught him by the throat and said, Pay what you owe!
29 So his fellow attendant (could be you) fell down and begged him earnestly, Give me time, and I will pay you all !
30 But he (the elder) was unwilling, and he went out and had him put in prison till he should pay the debt.
31 When his fellow attendants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and told everything that had taken place to their master.
32 Then his master (Christ) called him and said to him, You contemptible and wicked attendant! I forgave and cancelled all that [great] debt of yours because you begged me to.
33 And should you not have had pity and mercy on your fellow attendant, as I had pity and mercy on you?
34 And in wrath his master turned him over to the torturers (the jailers), till he should pay all that he owed.
35 So also My heavenly Father will deal with every one of you if you do not freely forgive your brother from your heart his offenses.
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They (the elders) do not freely forgive, they put conditions on your forgiveness/repentance.
(Waiting a year or more to be reinstated?)
I believe you know what to do, you just don't want to make waves. (understandable)
Your wife believes you are the head of your household, if she's a JW, well, start acting like it then, you have guests coming in your home dis-respecting you, you should not feel like you need to hide in your own home.
You can be a gracious host, and still lay down the law of your house to your guest if they don't know how to behave. (Shunning you in your own home is not acceptable behavior)
You know what's right, do it....
Peace
Acadian -
AK - Jeff
That was hard to be shunned in my own home. Now that really pissed me off. After this week the folks at the hall will be bringing meals over for the family for the next 2 weeks. I hate being treated as sub-human at the hall and I don't know how I will handle being treated like this at my own house. I want to call the PO and tell him I'd rather not have these meals provided for us but I know my wife wants/needs the fellowship of these people.
You gotta do what you gotta do. But for me I would just tell 'em. "look boys and girls - this is my house. I pay the mortgage. I mow the grass. I pay taxes on the walk you stepped down to get in here. I will be damned if you will show me less respect that you would the average joe you greet in your ministry. You either speak to me kindly, or get your fat ass out of my house."
But then , that's just me.
Jeff