Non JW dating a DF JW

ea1974

Hello..im new to this site and am really lost. My bf of 3 years has been raised a JW. He was married for 7 years and during this separation, was disfellowshipped. Well..that was 4 years ago. Living separately from his wife and 2 kids now for 4 years, 3 of them with me. The entire time telling me that he was getting divorced but that it is difficult because of the religion. His wife and 2 kids are still very very involved with the religion and he still attends book studies, meetings etc, although not regularaly. Only when he feels guilty about something and says he needs to get his life back in order and start going again. Well.I am now 5 months pregnant with his child, he is still married, attending mettings, and telling me that he goes separately from his family and wants me to raise this child as a JW. I personally have NO knowledge about the religion and have my own Christian beliefs. He has gone back and forth between me and his "wife" for the last 3 yrs but promising me the whole time that it isnt happening. Church is just a part of his life I can not be involved in. (Which I never will and dont want to) But now that this child is coming...im so lost. We didnt do Christmas this yr, but did last yr and the yr before. He keeps going back n forth and Im going insane. I think I need to end this but my child....wow...what have i done?? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Sad In San Diego

jgnat

Awww, do you want your child to grow up as mixed up as your boyfriend? I don't think so. Being a single parent is not so bad. I've done it. My children grew up just fine. They are both ethical, strong-minded, and kind. And they love their mother.

I think it is time for an ultimatum. Make a list of things you can't live without. Tell your waffling boyfriend if he can't fulfill all those things on the list, he is out of your life as partner and friend. BUT NOT AS A FATHER. He can expect to pay regular child support payments for the next twenty years or so.

Then, get on with your life. You at least then have a chance to find someone who is willing to be there for you AND your child.

sammielee24

Geez Sad ....I feel for you. You're in a tough situation. This is my own advice based on my own experiences with the religion - first, I would never raise my child as a JW because I see it as a form of child abuse. JW children are taught to believe that everyone not in the religion are going to die at any time - and that includes anyone in their family including their parents. They are taught to shun completely and love only on condition that your faith is the same as theirs. They will be discouraged or not allowed (depending on the strength of the family) to engage in sports or other activites, salute the flag, vote, mix with other non JW children, disassociate from non JW relatives, to attend college or university, forsake normal things like kiddie cartoons on a Saturday morning and forgo all festivities such as birthdays, christmas, the Easter Bunny and so on. A child raised as a JW is brainwashed from such a young age that when they get out the emotional damage is complete.

As for the separation without divorce, thats not too unusual. While you might see divorce as only a legality - people separate and move on - JW's view a divorce as wether or not it is scriptural with little regard to the legality. They have little choice but to accept the legal action but can choose not to view it as a scriptural action and people are more often than not shunned for that. Your bf is still going to meetings - I'm surprised he hasn't pressured you into attending as well. Does anyone know about you? I guess the bottom line is that if he is still going to meetings, hasn't set out to get divorced and wavers between you two - I would bet he will not remain loyal to you. I could be wrong, but it seems that his loyalty still lies within the society and if thats the case, you will not come first - ever. I'm sorry for your predicament but unless he stops going to meetings, files for divorce and is able to move on, I tend to think that sooner or later you will be the odd one out. This is a religion that is considered a high mind control group by some - a cult by others - either way you are on the outside. Good luck. sammieswife.

ea1974

His wife does know about me..but Im pretty sure he is still lying to her about the whole truth. As far as his loyalty...I have almost no trust left. He tells me what I want to hear. Like today..his wife and kids are leaving San Diego to drive to Utah for 12 days. So he got up early, took them to bfast, went to mtg, and now is still at their house "hanging out." because they are leaving for so long. Sounds innocent right? Well...my mind doesnt see it that way. I see him going to mtg, sitting w her and the kids like he is trying to come back as the "changed person" he wants them to see. Then they hang out as a family all day. But he tells me different. He HAS tried to get me to go with, but he now says that I have to go on my own to a different congregation because they will never accept me if I go with him. I will never go...EVER...or ever raise my child in the religion. Im just very sad that its Christmas Eve..and Im sitting here ALONE...missing Christmas. Wanting my child to have Christmas. Wanting him to WAKE UP and leave her and the JW's. But Im afraid that will never happen.

Satanus

Unless he gets fully deprogrammed of his watchtower beliefs, he will continue to go to meetings, insist that his/your child be a jw, and generally keep driving you crazy. For emotional support, find the friends and family that you had before you met him. That way, you won't be all alone. You could give him an ultimatum, but i suspect it won't work. He will continue the bs.

S

ea1974

Perfect description. BS....Any advice on how to get someone -who was raised JW..mother is still VERY active, wife ( ex..or whatever..) and 2 young kids that are still very active, but he was disfellowshipped and says he wants back in- to even remotely think about being deprogrammed????? How do I even bring that up? He will be so insulted.

Satanus

If he doesn't want to be deprogrammed, it's next to impossible. It would take someone who knows watchtower (wt) teachings really well. He/she would have to go very slow in planting doubts and posing leading questions, and have important information at hand for the right times. This process can take yrs. There was a thread here about someone who is slowly getting his wife out like this.

On the other hand, if he wanted to be deprogrammed, it would be very easy. But, you say that he wants back into the wt.

S

sammielee24

It's like talking to the wind. Deprogramming takes a very long time and has to be done very carefully. If you read stories on this site, you will see how heartwrenching it is - and it doesn't always work. His story about you not being accepted is pretty sad - the fact is that he (as you already noted) wants to appear to be doing the 'right' thing in order to get back in. I don't advise being vindictive but that small voice of mischief in the back of my head tells me that should you go to a meeting with him in your pregnant state, unmarried and living with him - to his regular congregation - it will tarnish his reputation. Now - the sad part is that you not being a JW and if he comes from a zealous family, they will see his dalliance with you as just a 'weakness' and support his efforts to get back in. Your child will most likely not be welcomed into the family unless it is raised a witness. (My MIL has 5 grandchildren - 2 are not JW's and she has no relationship with them). The man is playing games - force his hand. On the flip side - maybe you should ask him what it would take for him to stop going to the Kingdom Hall. Remind him that he will pay child support but be warned - he may try to go for joint custody and try to force the religion on the child. sammieswife.

MsMcDucket

Sounds like a bad situation. That man doesn't know who he loves. . . He has it pretty good with two women willing to accept his behavior. They say hindsight is 20-20 and I say this because I'm now being shunned by my daughters that I raised as witnesses (so to speak). Anyway, they're totally involved with the religion and they are distancing themselves from me. They almost seem like strangers when I see them. It's weird! I wouldn't want that to happen to you.

His wife has papers on him and she believes in the religion; so she probably has the upper hand. The religion teaches their followers to not become unevenly yoked. Meaning to not marry outside of the religion.

You better wake up. You being pregnant is not going to make him leave his wife. His wife could be pregnant too. And how do you know if he's with his wife today? He could have another mistress. He sounds like a bad character. I know of woman (who was also someone's mistress) that would get pregnant every time his wife got pregnant; trying to hold on to the man. Do you want to live like that?

You can find someone better. Don't let yourself be used like this. Wow, I think that I'd try to seriously hurt my husband if he messed around on me. I would like to think that I'd kick him to the curb and not be involved in a situation like yours. Even if his wife kicked him out and divorced him, how do you know that he's going to be faithful to you?

Kind of weird that he went over to the wife's house on Christmas Eve. Don't you think?

ea1974

Yeah..he is a very lost soul. Thinks that the WT is the only way to be a good decent person. Knows nothing else. Im screwed. I do love him very much. But My child has to be my main concern now.

Non JW dating a DF JW

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