Just want to get past it........

by notsureofmyself 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  notsureofmyself

  I appreciate so much of what is being said here, but frankly I just want it done with. I don't even care if their doctrines are right or not, their conduct, their conditional love and their hypocrisy is definitely wrong.

  I have given up looking for a church that has the answers, there is none. There are no perfect churches, doctrines or people. But there is a difference between right and wrong and I when wrong is willfully carried out on purpose that is not imperfection. How many of us have dealt with biased, self-serving, favorite-playing elders. How many of us have been lied to, have been shunned. How many Witnesses are actually "closet apostates" being afraid to speak out about how they really feel. What gives them, the Witnesses, the right to label anyone? Isn't that defemation of character? If apostate was a new religion or organization than it would be different, but the way they use it is slander.

  I have read many posts about x-witnesses being very happy now that they have left. What I would like to know is: how have they successfully emerged from under the "Witness cloud" that still hangs over so many of us. That cloud is left over guilt, depression and sadness that is always in the back of our minds. It might be easier for some to get out from under that cloud if they have only been in a few years, but in my case, it may take another 40 years to undo all the damage the Witnesses did in the first 40. Frankly, I just don't have the time.

  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be possible to have some kind of relationship with God again. Sometimes it seems that you have to drop God also to be free. Faith in God is all part of the Witness thing that I abhor. I am really not sure about this whole thing. Any one have any suggestions? At one time I really thought that I was over the anger, but I guess it was just put aside for a while. I wonder if it will ever be completely gone.
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  waiting

  Hey notsure,

  I know how you feel. I was raised a Catholic, became a jw at age of 18 - and stayed until 50. So long......

  There were good things about being a jw, my kids still believe (even though being out of the org.) that it was a decent way to be raised. They didn't do drugs, not too much drinking, running around, etc. Good grades, good careers and/or college going on. Good internal value system. Of course, my husband had a lot to do with their good outcome. He was born a jw and is 56.

  We have been totally inactive for almost a year - deliberately distancing ourselves for 3 yrs.

  I've had the unique opportunity to have had a lot of therapy in the past. One thing I've learned is that we revisit emotions that we thought we had worked through - like anger and sorrow. These emotions will surface again and again unpredictably, to be worked through again.

  One thing is true, however, each time we go through the process, the emotions seem less intense, we can deal with them better, and get on with remaking our lives.

  I'm glad you posted, kindred spirits, eh?

  waiting
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  TR

  Hey NotSure,

  How long have you been out? It takes time. It took me two or three years before I learned enough to dump the guilt. As I've said before, None of my immediate family are JW's except one brother who is basically a nominal JW. I had immediate acceptance from those closest to me. Unfortunately, when the whole family is in, there's not much of a support system nearby. That's where the internet comes in.

  Tom
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  AhHah

  Notsure,

  That was a beautiful and honest post that captures how difficult it is for so many of us to attempt to lose our JW shackles. Please do not feel alone in this process. You will successfully move past all of the emotions over time. I have found what Waiting described to be true for me -- the issues resurface time and again, but each time I gain more ground and a healthier perspective.

  I agree that one does not have to be a Bible scholar to recognize the JW org for what it is. However, the key that enabled me to feel free to move on with my life without guilt was knowledge. Most of my initial knowledge of the facts about the JWs came from reading and studying Ray Franz's books for many months, until I was convinced that God and the Bible do not obligate me to that organization. Of course, I still had deep sadness, depression, and anger. I felt that I had been robbed of so much opportunity and personal fulfillment in my life by that org.

  I was angry over deliberate deceit and callous disregard for the very lives of the members worldwide. The GB were more than happy to have JWs be incarcerated and die all over the world to protect their reputations as God's channel. GB votes that affected the lives of JWs were dismissed without a second thought if a decision did not receive a majority vote. I was so angry that I ranted and raved in the middle of the night as I read one shocking account after another.

  Eventually, acceptance settles in and one desires to move on with life. I hope that reading some of this helps validate what you are feeling and encourages you to feel good about finding personal happiness on your own terms.

  Edited by - AhHAh on 13 November 2000 12:21:51
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  RedhorseWoman

  Knowing Notsure for as long as I have, I know that she is a woman who feels things passionately and deeply. She was never a "surface" JW, but always had a deep love for God in her heart and honestly did what she felt was right.

  She was the only person who stayed my friend when I went through my own "crisis of conscience", and I know that it broke her heart to believe that I would die at Armageddon because of my inability to put on the "happy-face" mask and pretend everything was okay.

  Over the years, as the hypocrisy began to eat her alive, I have seen how troubled she has been. I know that talking about things can help to release the anger and the guilt...but it takes time...and Notsure has always tended to judge herself too harshly.

  It will happen, my friend....it will. ****HUGS*****
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  AhHah

  NotSure,

  I have been thinking more about what you said at the end of your post.

  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be possible to have some kind of relationship with God again. Sometimes it seems that you have to drop God also to be free. Faith in God is all part of the Witness thing that I abhor. I am really not sure about this whole thing.

  Red's description of you reminded me of myself. We are probably very similar. Devout persons suffer that much more when they leave, because more of themselves has been sacrificed. What follows is only my personal opinion - for what it may be worth.

  I believe that your intuition is correct. I believe that it is important to the process of recovery to allow oneself the freedom to make a completely fresh exploration of God outside of the narrow constraints that were forced upon us. Feel free to read other religious writings, even non-Biblical ones. You won't be harmed by doing so, you will be better informed and liberated by the possibilities. You will likely gain a new respect for the faith of those whom you previously were forced to condemn.

  There are many differing concepts of God in the world. None of them can be proven to be true or false. All require faith. Most religions at least hold out a better reward for believers, if not destruction of the unbelievers, which discredits them and their motives. IMO, it is highly unlikely that any human religious writings (including the Bible) have completely revealed the true nature of God or the will of God. It is possible that they all contain some valid insights, however.
  -
  At first, after leaving the JW org, I was not able to read the Bible without mentally filtering every verse I read through the WT interpretations -- it is almost unconscious. I have found that, after considering other Christian and non-Christian doctrines, that I am finally able to read the Bible without as much prejudice. A big adjustment for me, however, has been the realization that the Bible cannot be proven to be the only valid understanding of God. In that context, however, I find that I have a more realistic appreciation of the Bible's value (and limitations). I am no longer upset by the contradictory concepts that the Bible books paint of God, or the doctrines that seem to lack the love and reasonableness of a secure and loving Creator. While this does mean that I have less faith as as result, it also means that I am not as conflicted by doctrines that no longer ring true (for example: that God murdered most humans in a flood and in the future he will murder all non-Christians). Overall, I feel much happier. True wisdom requires that one humbly acknowledge the limitations of one's understanding, which I find liberating.

  -

  We have been taught to believe that we are condemned by God if we dare to leave "his organization". The more we read and explore other beliefs, the more we are freed from this mental slavery and feelings of worthlessness. You may eventually embrace a very different concept of God than what you were taught. You may even decide that it is not possible to know the essence or mind of God, and yet feel confident that this knowledge somehow still seems assured. This is your privilege. Enjoy your freedom. Release the guilt. Visualize it ebbing away from you like the tide, while you enjoy exploring the seashore, with all the wonderment and curiosity of a young child.

  Edited by - AhHAh on 13 November 2000 1:40:34

  Edited by - AhHAh on 13 November 2000 1:46:23

  Edited by - AhHAh on 13 November 2000 12:57:22

  Edited by - AhHAh on 13 November 2000 13:3:43
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  Frenchy

  Notsure:
  You are not alone in your plight. It is very important to remember this and to accept it. The very fact that this is disturbing to you should be reassuring because it reflects on the depth of your sincerity. The very fact that this is causing you anguish is proof that you are honest and sincere. This can actually be reassuring if you view it in the proper light.
  You (we, all) were conditioned to associate faith in God with faith in the ‘organization’. The two must be separated. It will take time for this to happen because the mind is not quick to dismiss what it has accepted as fact for so long a time. This is a natural, built in safety feature and cannot be circumvented without disastrous results. Time is needed as well as focusing on positive things. Do you still read the Bible? If not try doing so again. This time before you start reading pray to Jehovah and ask him to open your heart and your mind to his Word. Ask him for his Holy Spirit in understanding what you are about to read. Begin with the gospels and read slowly and don’t try to reconcile what you are reading with what you have been told it means. Just read and let your mind dwell on Jesus’ words. It’s almost impossible to do so without coming away from it with some measure of faith. Do so regularly.
  Express yourself to your family. Express yourself here. Ask questions and talk about how you feel and what you think. This is one of the nicest bunch of people here that you are ever likely to run across. Their love and kindness will reach out to you and you will feel their ‘kindred spirit’. Talk to Red often. She loves you and I know that she will be reassuring.
  Pray. Pray hard.

  -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it-
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  Carmel

  Notsosure,

  You've gotten some good advice. I can only add that I spent nearly ten years actively seeking the "truth" in other churches. It wasn't until I gave up the "search" and detached myself from it all that things seemed to come together for me. My advice, take a mental holiday and become an expert on something mundane. Rebuild your life by being a quality human being and don't worry about religion, which one is right or not. Life will sort itself out for you if you keep and open mind and heart.

  carmel wishing you well

  (ps, just watch out for one eyed equestrians from Rhodes)
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  notsureofmyself

  Just a quick note to thank everyone who answered my post. I appreciate your wisdom and at times your wit. I will take under consideration and appreciate all the advice and experience offered me. Thanks.
  Jackie (notsureofmyself)
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  waiting

  Hey notsure,

  your wit

  I certainly hope you're not referring to Carmel - I've read of others like him:

  Steve Martin has basically one joke - and he's it.Dave Felton

  But we try to be kind - poor Sweetpea's living in that desert and all......

  waiting