any advice?

J-ex-W

My oldest son informed me tonight that he will not have a relationship until/ unless I do two things: 1) Start going back to meetings (of course), and 2) Show, seem, or whatever, that I'm sorry for all the pain that I caused him/ the family by divorcing their dad. [I told him there are a lot of decisions I made that caused them pain which I do regret, but that I CANNOT regret leaving their dad. This for him, is evidence of my wrongness in his and in WT eyes.

He said outright that "there can be no reason, short of dad being a serial killer" that could justify my divorcing him, and that the "only thing [that I] could tell him that would seem to justify it could only be a pack of lies." He doesn't know anywhere near even half of what his dad used to do...he wouldn't believe me if I told him. Now all three of my boys (ages 18, 16, and 12) have cut off association with me on these same grounds. None of them knows...none of them would believe....

BTW, my earliest posts tell a little bit: My ex used to abuse me in all ways, including sexually, and he also molested two of his sisters. [One accused him years ago and was dismissed as a liar, and the second HE CONFESSED TO ME HIMSELF later on.] I can't tell my boys this. I want to defend myself, but I feel like my hands are absolutely tied.......

Does anyone have any feedback about what can be done in a situation like this? I have no clue what I could do.... My heart is breaking..........

Lady Liberty

Dear J-ex-W,

Oh how my heart goes out for you!! I wish I knew what to say. Just remember, your children love you, know matter how much they may be hurting you right now. They need you, and in time, I am sure their pain as well as yours will lesson. Just take one day at a time. You are probably right in not telling them what your ex is guilty of. They are not going to want to believe it. What if you told him though that out of your love for them as children, and respect for them, you cannot not will you tell them the real reason for leaving their dad. What if you told them that maybe oneday when you thought they could handle it you may tell them. That way they would know it was serious, and in their heart even if they don't admit it to you, perhaps they will try to reason it out. These are all suggestions from someone who has not walked in your shoes, but have loved ones who have gone through a painful divorce as well. Just be there unconditionally for them. They need you, and they need to know you love them no matter how much they verbally lash out. Even if they are not speaking to you, I would still leave messages and send cards just saying you miss them and love them. Hang in there dear!!

Sincerely your friend,

Lady Liberty

serendipity

My 'ex' used to tell my daughter lies about our relationship, and how he was a good guy and that my reasons for leaving him were lame excuses .

One time, after his visit when she was 8 or 9, she told me I was selfish for depriving her of a fulltime father. I knew where those words came from. So I told her about his verbal and emotional abuse and I told her that neither she or I deserved that kind of treatment.

I can understand why you want to protect your boys. But if the abuse is the reason, I think it's acceptable to explain that to your children. Even the WT indicates that divorce for abuse is acceptable, but remarriage isn't.

J-ex-W

Even the WT indicates that divorce for abuse is acceptable, but remarriage isn't.

Serendipidity------ Have you read the newest WT, aimed at JW wives? It seems to reverse any kind of concession the WT ever used to make for abuse. Anyway, he said he feels like it puts a hardship on the family for him to have a relationship with me. In other words, he's living with his dad and brothers, and they don't want a divided household over this issue (associating with me). --The younger boys have made this hard stance already a few months back. All of this, of course, is what their dad wants.

Anyway, what kind of stuff really IS appropriate to tell them? Is it even advisable?

YoursChelbie

Your two older ones are behaving like "little elders" in expecting you to be remorseful when you have done nothing wrong. It is NOT their place to put conditions on you.

Your husband's bitterness toward you is projected to your sons and if he's still in the Borg, his resentment is intesified because the Watchtower already fosters a disdain for women. "Men are the head" and all that BS. You were right in leaving a bad relationship and your sons can't believe you had the determination and strength to not be doormat.

What your sons are doing is emotional blackmail. They owe you respect and you can show them that scripture.

If they won't have a realtionship with you, it's their loss.

If your younger son has legal visitations with you keep showing him your love and support. The two older ones will have to find out for themselves the truth about the "truth."

YC

Abandoned

((((((((((J-ex-W))))))))))

lesterd

TELL IT LIKE IT IS!!! Have we moved so far away from the God of truth?

juni

Hi J-ex-W,

Have you sought the aid of a therapist who deals with the matters of physically/emotionally abused wives/girlfriends? Being on your own, you may not have insurance and I know that they are quite expensive per counselling hour. In that case, I would recommend PMing Lady Lee who is a trained therapist and has offered valuable help to others.

Just a thought cause I know you need some relief.

Juni

james_woods

J-ex: your son is not hitting on all 8 cylinders:

"there can be no reason, short of dad being a serial killer"

Is he aware that even serial killer is not a good enough reason for the JW judicial commitee to grant divorce? Does that not in itself speak for the limitless judgemental cruelty that this organization is capable of?

VanillaMocha73

No - But sure would like to see that one. Anyone have a pdf of it?

any advice?

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