Grandma's in the Hospital- Help on a "JW in the family" problem

by OnTheWayOut 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  A bit long, but I really need to vent, and I REALLY NEED YOUR REPLIES.

  My uncle is a JW, his wife and son and daughter-in-law are JW's, too.

  They all moved away from family over 15 years ago, serving where the need was greater.
  They went out west to New Mexico, then other places. They all broke off all contact with their
  parents (my uncles parents who are my grandparents, and my aunt's parents who I don't know well)
  None of those parents were ever JW's, and none of them ever worshipped Satan, killed anyone,
  or molested anybody (as far as I know- it is a fact with his parents). My grandparent's lawyer said
  he should contact them when their will was made up. He found them, passed on their phone # to us.

  His mother called him one day. He said "Everything is fine. I can't talk now. Goodbye." After that, he
  changed his phone #, became unlisted (His son, too, as his number was different).
  Well, when his father was terminally ill, I tried to locate him. I called the Kingdom Hall in the rural town
  where he was at and the PO gave me his number. I told him his father would die soon. He sent flowers
  to the funeral, but didn't come. Since then, I spoke to him (remember- I was a JW elder) and he was brief,
  wouldn't say what his problem was, he was very uncomfortable talking about ANYTHING.

  THIS WEEK NOW, his mother is about ready to die. She is in intensive care, could possibly pull out, but
  it doesn't look good. I tried to call my uncle. His number, his son's number is disconnected. I call the
  Kingdom Hall again. I get a different elder. He says they all moved away about 6 months ago. He told me
  the city, and that his son got a job transfer. He promised to pass on information about his mother to someone
  who has his phone number, and he would even try to get that phone number for me.

  I told this elder I was going to ask him a couple of questions. He was free to not answer if he felt bad about them.
  I asked "Did my uncle serve as an elder here?" "YES, he and his son." "Did he ever mention problems with his
  family- a reason he would never contact them and tried to avoid them?" "I served for 8 years with your uncle. I thought
  that both he and his wife had absolutely no family. They acted as if it was only them, they never talked about themselves
  and were very closed people."

  First, I was amazed that this guy would answer so freely. Second, I am so upset with this uncle. I have said in the past,
  straight up to my mom- that he should not be an elder since he shows no concern for his parents' welfare. She
  totally agreed. Now, he's in a bigger city. I doubt I would ever find the congregation, but, I wonder- should I try to contact the
  CO in his last cong. (remember- I am a fader- I just want to be left alone) and explain this nonsense- possibly with the goal
  of having him deleted? I think I know the answer is to forget it, but I am so upset right now, I need your calm thoughts.
  THANKS for reading all that.
• 

  Mystla

  Their behavior is strange, to say the least. I don't think I would continue to try to contact them, as they obviously wish to be left alone. You may have to accept that this is a mystery you will never solve and let it go.

  If you do contact his CO, do it from a viewpoint of concern, otherwise the CO will probably brush you off as a trouble maker. If you tell him everything from a concerned standpoint he will eventually get all the details and draw his own conclusions, like wether or not your Uncle should step down, etc.

  Good luck, and keep us posted. I'm sure others here will have better advise.

  Misty

  ps.. are you sure they aren't in the witness protection program? (pun intended )
• 

  Pittsburgher

  OTWO, honestly you've done SO much more than the average person would do. You've gone above and beyond. While that is extremely sad, and I agree, no one should be able to hold the position of elder and act in that manner, it's not what is best for YOU. Obviously, you are already stressed enough about the situation. I just think it's going to suck you in to a situation that you don't at all want. Unless you TRULY think that pursuing him is going to help, I would avoid getting any more involved. You are beyond the point of providing a remedy for the situation.
• 

  return visitor

  Sorry but I really don't feel qualified to help. I can't help but think that there must be some family history there that you are not aware of, that being said, you have my sympathy and prayers.

  RV
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  ps.. are you sure they aren't in the witness protection program? (pun intended )

  I wondered if he was in some upper circle of the WTS. The places he went to, he
  was apparently sent to them. The last place was a troubled congregation that
  had many problems with the Society- in Texas. He was sent there a long time ago,
  remained there a long time. NOW he moves, IMO, because his son is the only family
  he does talk to, and his son needed to move.

  It's so super-secret, I wonder if there is some great mystery to solve. The best I came
  up with is that He or his wife (most likely her- from some discussions with her family) are
  not totally sane, and they have some thought that they need to totally avoid the "worldly"
  family and even the JW's who don't avoid the "worldly" family because Armageddon is SOOOOO
  imminent.
• 

  Scully

  Maybe if you manage to get an address or other contact information, you could write a letter and say that you would like to understand what happened to create such a rift in the family.

  This is just a hunch, but I have known of some JWs involved in unscrupulous and/or illegal activity who would pick up and move away suddenly and cut off contact with relatives to avoid having to answer to the authorities (or the elders) for their shady business practices, etc. Perhaps this is an angle you haven't considered.

  I also knew a family who moved across the country on the spur of the moment - they left in the middle of the night and left no forwarding information. It upset me to no end because I never saw my best friend again. The family returned several years later and the "story" was that my friend had "run away and left Jehovah" so I felt it was next to impossible to find her again. As it turned out, the same series of events took place several years before my best friend disappeared, but that time it was the older sister who "ran away and left Jehovah". It wasn't until I was in my 20s that it dawned on me that this guy had been molesting his daughters, and I got confirmation on that over a decade later, when I learned that the reason that they picked up and moved was because the father was evading arrest.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Maybe if you manage to get an address or other contact information, you could write a letter and say
  that you would like to understand what happened to create such a rift in the family.

  I try not to reveal myself too much, but hey, I don't really care. I did write that letter when I had his information.
  After his father was sick, he at first did not respond. I wrote a letter saying I would like to help the family to
  repair any strains within, and I explained that his father thought he was dead, since he wouldn't call or write.
  His son wrote back, saying people don't understand and should not speculate. My uncle did send one letter
  to his father before he died. I let it all go, because I was just trying to get him to speak to his parents. A letter
  was a start, so I let it go. I only called months later, because that one letter was his only effort.

  This is very hard to write. Any person who knows me would know who is typing this. If you figured out who I am,
  PM me and tell me so.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I have received help in PM's also. Thanks for your thoughts. Also to complete the story-

  I have known all of my grandparents. I was out of the country when the first one died suddenly,
  and I was really upset that I didn't manage to visit her before her sudden death. Each grandparent
  since then, has gotten sick, and given me time to visit them (of course I visited while they were
  healthy, too) and I have tried to have a great relationship with them. This grandmother is very upset
  that her son would shun her, even after his father died, and I promised her I would tell him she was
  in the hospital. Well, I managed to keep that promise even though he didn't want me to have his
  address or phone number.
• 

  Paisley

  First, I was amazed that this guy would answer so freely. Second, I am so upset with this uncle. I have said in the past,
  straight up to my mom- that he should not be an elder since he shows no concern for his parents' welfare. She
  totally agreed. Now, he's in a bigger city. I doubt I would ever find the congregation, but, I wonder- should I try to contact the
  CO in his last cong. (remember- I am a fader- I just want to be left alone) and explain this nonsense- possibly with the goal
  of having him deleted? I think I know the answer is to forget it, but I am so upset right now, I need your calm thoughts.
  THANKS for reading all that.

  I feel for you and deeply respect how much you care about your family in this. And it's so understandable that you would want answers, when the situation seems so bizarre!

  Unfortunately, it seems like a losing battle as far as getting the organization to care that an elder is behaving in an unloving manner....

  I wouldn't try to get him deleted. From what I've read, love is at the bottom of the list of qualifications for an elder.
• 

  Doubting Bro

  OTWO,

  You are being a good grandson trying to hunt down your uncle. I see why you are angry. Still, since you asked for opinions, I would definately try to track him down and let him know what is going on with his mother. I think your right about his sanity.

  Its weird that he didn't leave contact information with is old congregation. They haven't forwarded his records, even though he was an elder and its been six months? Very strange.

  There is only so much you can do and it looks like you've already done quite a bit. I doubt his old CO has any contact information since the old congregation hasn't sent his records over. If he's got a nonpublished number, its going to be even tougher to hunt him down. A PI could help, but personally I wouldn't go that far.

  Sorry, I guess I'm not much help!