When we say "I'm proud of you" are we elevating ourselves above others?

by Paisley 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  Paisley

  I don't mean when we as parents tell our children we're proud of them for a certain accomplishment or approved behavior; but when one adult tells another adult "I'm proud of you for (doing this or that)", possibly implying that in our opinion the approved action should have been done sooner, are we elevating ourselves above them?

  Could it even be a left-handed compliment? As in "Im proud that you've stopped beating your wife." "I'm proud that you've stopped stealing." "I'm proud of you for getting a job."

  Hm. Well, anyway, but between peers, friends, etc. I've never been one to say it much but I have said it. How about you?
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  Amazing

  No. Saying "I'm proud of you" is a good and healthy compliment.

  Jim Whitney
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  mrsjones5

  I don't ever recall my parents telling me that they were proud of me. I used to want them to, now I don't care. I was surprised when my husband told me that he was proud of me when I got baptised close to two years ago. For about a week after he would give me this look and say "Honey, I'm so proud of you!" That was a great feeling.

  Josie
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  Paisley

  Josie

  For about a week after he would give me this look and say "Honey, I'm so proud of you!" That was a great feeling.

  Josie

  ...that's wonderful, Josie. Thanks. I think I'm starting to see why I'm suspicious of the expression...oops.
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  Paisley

  Another aspect of this is when people say they are proud of themselves for what they consider some little accomplishment. Seems to me if there were anything to be proud of, someone else would tell them they've done a good job.

  Anyway, it always seems a little sad when people do that. What do you think?
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  JWdaughter

  My mom came up with that idea a few years ago. I think it is the thought of a person who wants to be mad about something, or get their back up. Take it for what it is. It is a way of someone saying that they are pleased with you or for you. They feel good that they are connected to you because of . . .whatever it is. Nothing wrong with that. If someone is being condescending, you don't need to infer it-it will be obvious. Just my opinion. When my mom was angry, she decided that EVERYTHING was insulting, there was nothing we could say or anyone could say that would please her. And she took insult for others. I said I was proud of my kids and she accused me of trying to take credit for what the child was doing by being 'proud' of her. Like I had something to do with her accomplishment. Well, for what it is worth, as a mom, I DID have something to do with her accomplishment, but I wasn't taking pride in what she did as if it were my accomplishment. I was honored to be associated with her. I think the pride is that we are pleased to be connected to the person who did the good thing. I think it is more humbling than elevating. I am in awe that I made these kids and they are so wonderful. It makes me feel humble.
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  J-ex-W

  To me, saying, "I'm proud of you" is an expression of joy and increased esteem for the person/ person's action. It can be, I'm proud of you for getting over your fear. I'm proud of you for doing a good job at something or making a good effort toward it. I'm proud of you for doing the hard work it takes to take a look at yourself...so many people find this so difficult, and yet you did it..... All kinds of things.

  It says I really respect and see great value in the action you took. Nothing about it at all says "I consider myself above you." ...Unless what you really mean is not 'I'm proud' but instead, 'It's about time.' Now, that's a different attitude and a different matter!
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  J-ex-W

  Another aspect of this is when people say they are proud of themselves for what they consider some little accomplishment. Seems to me if there were anything to be proud of, someone else would tell them they've done a good job.

  Anyway, it always seems a little sad when people do that. What do you think?

  It's good and healthy to be proud of your own good accomplishments and to express that fact. We deserve to acknowledge the good in ourselves and appreciate our own strengths, talents, accomplishments, etc.

  If someone CAN'T do that, it indicates a problem: Low self-esteem and/ or a hyper-critical eye to self and/ or others. Also, if were unable to do it for ourselves, then no matter how great or grand our achievements may be, some people--because of being ensconced in abusive environments--would never hear that praise. Now how sad is THAT!
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  J-ex-W

  JWdaughter, I agree with your response wholeheartedly.
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  zensim

  Paisly - I was pondering this very q's the other day!

  I think the problem is the context in which the term 'proud' has been used in the past. Generally we connect it with someone of higher position (adult, mentor, boss, leader, teacher etc) saying it to someone of less experience. And recognising someone's learning experience and respecting the way they have healthily integrated it, is not elevating ourselves. It is just generally that those who say "I'm proud of you" have already reached the 'elevated' position on similar experience themselves. But that doesn't necessarily mean the person saying "I'm proud of you" got there through any accomplishment - sometimes it can merely be an age thing.

  However, I guess what you are talking about is the odd feeling when saying it to your peer. I would hazard a guess that you would probably only say it to someone you feel close to. And if that person is genuinely your friend or peer, then they will recognise that you have had the detachment to observe objectively what they have been doing and it's really an acknowledgment of how much you are happy for them, for their reward, for their determination, for their gift - and basically for them!

  Maybe we should all start using it more so it loses it's elevated connotation.

  It's like saying "I love myself". I remember when my daughter was around two, at that age when they say "I love Mum, I love Dad, I love Grandma etc etc through the family members". She would always finish off with "And I love myself!" with this huge smile on her face. I used to love the fact that she was so naturally emotionally intelligent. But at some unfortunate point in this culture, we have to stop thinking we love ourselves that overtly.

  Anyway, I have learnt, like anything, it is not the words necessarily but the way the person says it and the intonation and intent. So use the term proudly if you really mean it