I have lurked for over a year. I keep coming back here - everytime I do - it's like witnessing a car wreck. The things I don't want to read or believe are right here before my eyes - it's like a drug. I know I was in a cult. I realize that my life was controlled by this religion and that I missed so much of my life... now I'm 41 and have started a new life - but I still keep coming back to read about all the crap that I experienced first hand. I was a company man for so many years... I am ashamed that I sat in judicial meetings and "judged" others. I was no better than them. I was a hypocrite. Now I am "free" - yet I keep thinking about all the "what ifs..." If only I knew about this site - I could have coped. I could have just rolled with things - goofed off in service, played the game and then now my parents, my siblings, my "friends" would still talk to me... the internet is so "off limits" to JWs - they have no clue that hundreds, thousands of people just like them are out here - been there - done that... I have the utmost respect for many of the regular posters here. You don't know me, but I read your words and appreciate them... So the question begs: What will it take for me to stop this? I mean, I am so obsessed with finding fault with the society. Blaming it for everything. Why I never played sports, why I never dated, never went to prom, never celebrated holidays, why I didn't go to college... it seems easy to blame "IT" for why I am in a middle mgt job, no degree, no identity... I was deprived of my youth, the time you are supposed to find out who you are, experience things - learn... instead I went door to door, worked on quick builds and gave public talks... I sometimes wish I could walk into the KH and scream to everyone there that they are being fooled... maybe punch a couple of the self righteous elders and their snobby wives in the faces and tell them they are not superior to the others... I hate what this religion did to my family, to me and to countless others. What will it take for me to stop this? what will it take for me to get on with my life and be happy? I have a right to be happy, don't I? My memories of childhood are blank. My childhood was meetings, service, conventions... If you want to see a picture of me at age 12 - check out the 1978 Watchtower - I think it was the Nov 15th issue - you may have to search, but it was an article on the Victorious Faith conventions - you will see a picture of my family going out in service... I'm the dorky white boy on the far right looking left - wearing a 3 piece suit... we were at the Silverdome in Pontiac,MI and were going out in service with the yellow plastic bags... We were the perfect JW family - Dad was elder, mom was supportive wife... out of 4 kids - only 1 is still in the religion - 3 of us are "shunned"... me included - even tho I'm not DF'd or DA'd... just walked away... I'm just rambling... sorry. Have so much disgust for what has happened. Just reaching out to find some clarity.
What will it take for me to stop this?
by sibboleth 48 Replies latest jw friends
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Stealth453
What will it take for me to stop this? I mean, I am so obsessed with finding fault with the society. Blaming it for everything. Why I never played sports, why I never dated, never went to prom, never celebrated holidays, why I didn't go to college... it seems easy to blame "IT" for why I am in a middle mgt job, no degree, no identity... I was deprived of my youth, the time you are supposed to find out who you are, experience things - learn... instead I went door to door, worked on quick builds and gave public talks...
Your story mirrors my own. I have been out for almost 30 years, and I blame them for the very same things. You want to know why?
Because they are the ones responsible for your, our, my station in life, now.
By the way...welcome to the board. I look forward to reading more of your story and posts.
Peace.
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Mystla
What will it take for me to stop this?
This is what it will take Get it all out, talk til your blue in the face.. don't hold any of it back.. rant and rave and scream some too!!
Lurking here has shown you the same stories over and over again for a reason.. we all know that we aren't saying anything new, but we all have the need to talk about it, get it off our chests.. chip off our shoulders, whatever. This is one of the few places that you will find people who truely understand what you went through and, more importantly, imo, what you are going through now.
So... WELCOME!! and don't hold back... let it all out!! You might find some peace of mind.
Misty
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JWdaughter
Welcome! We are a similar age-do you remember growing up fully expecting the persecution to start imminently? I took a trip when I was nine with my mom and dad. My mom was JW, dad was not (so we had a decent childhood for the most part)My dad chartered a large boat and at the marina we docked at there was a large fence that said "trespassers will be proscecuted". I was nine. I was wondering WHY they would persecute someone just because they went over the fence!
I learned something recently on -of all things-a homemaking website.
"You are never behind. Jump in where you are." http://flylady.net/index.asp
We can't ever catch up! We can only go forward. You have a journey ahead of you that can be fun and exciting and filled with love and joy-but if you keep looking at the past and counting all that you didn't do, you will stumble and not be able to enjoy your journey. Looking back with anger or regret won't move you forward. You want to go to prom-get a date and chaperone one. Go to college. They allow us ancients nowadays. Ask around the board-lots of college students. My hubby was never a JW and is just finishing up his BS. He is 48! Get fat and grow a beard and you can BE Santa if you wish:).
If you want to thumb your nose at the stupid religion, have fun. But don't feel too much regret for what can't be changed. The world is sometimes a crappy place. The JWs are the crap we had. But thats what shovels are for.
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MeneMene
Welcome!! Yes, this board can be kind of addictive. I just found it last summer and I have learned so much. I've been out for almost 30 years (faded) but I'm beginning to think some of the effects may never really go away completely.
You are right on about the car wreck! -
nicolaou
Hi Sibboleth, you've taken the first step in a healing process but please be patient with yourself. Many of us have been posting here for years - it will be six years for me next week - and at times the anger and rage can still flare up. However, as others have just said, talking, ranting and asking questions really does help so please continue to post.
After a while you'll find yourself trying to help someone else who has nervously or angrily posted for the first time . . .
Welcome!
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bigmouth
Welcome Sibboleth. I could tell you were one of us by the way you spelt your nickname!! ;)
If you've spent over 40 years thinking and behaving a certain way you are not going to unlearn that behaviour overnight.
Start learning to be kind to yourself. That's a JW no-no isn't it?!
The shock of knowing the truth can be a bit overwhelming. Take your time.
Pete -
Gill
Welcome Sibboleth!
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mia_b
i'm a complete newbie so can't offer any advice - i didn't even lurk lol just dove right in hehe. i too find it very hard to live my life looking forward rather than behind in anger at what was taken from me.
it's nice to come and read and post and know that others feel the same way, it was an eyeopener
welcome