When "friends" let you down...

by Crumpet 45 Replies latest jw friends

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  J-ex-W

  (((((((((( Crumpet )))))))))

  Realize that friends aren't always in a position to understand or to know the appropriate way to respond. That's the reason why we have many friends...many friends can help us cover our bases better when we're looking for just the support in just the right moment. It doesn't mean you need to stop being friends.

  You can respond by saying, "I know I'll get over it eventually, but right now I'm really hurting. I'm wondering if there's any time that would be good for you, if you'd be willing to talk." Remember, try as we might, WE let OUR friends down sometimes, too. We would like if they gave us an opportunity to try again when that happens...right?

  Feel for you, Hon.
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  BlackPearl

  Crumpet,

  Here's my un-profesional analysis of the situation, it's pretty simple; You saw her as a true friend in need, and you provided the love and support in her time of need. On the other hand, she obviously doesn't feel that way about you. So....the question begs to be asked, was she or did she ever think of you, the way you think or thought of her? As a genuine friend? I think not. Evidently, where you thought there was a genuine friendship, there was not, it was one sided. You were the giver, and she was the taker. You got took.

  BP
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  joannadandy

  Honestly, I took it as a sign I needed to pause and reflect...was I leaning on one friend too much? Draining them of support for me because I only vented to them and didn't let them vent back? Did I just not convey to them that how upset I was - in which case I needed to calmly say - "you know what tho - I am really hurting right now." Was my friend distracted at the time, was this even a good time to talk about this for them? Or maybe - just maybe...our friendship had run it's course.

  I would for the time being cut your friend some slack - unless this has been a pattern of late. Maybe you need to have a chat about your relationship...get back on the same page. I wouldn't write a friend off based on one incident of being told "you'll get over it". Maybe he/she -- really believes you will. Sometimes, our friends know us better than we like to admit, and even tho it stings a little, we need to hear "Hey hippy - pull your head out of yer ass!"...at least I do
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  Xena

  As a side note Crumpet don't let this change the person you are. There is nothing wrong with being there for others even if they aren't there for you sometimes or even ever. Sometimes I feel taken advantage of until I reflect on the fact that I didn't do what I did because I expected something back, I did it because (most of the time ) I'm a good person and I want to continue to try and be a good person/friend.

  Bottom line is I do the things I do because that is the person *I* want to be and I get the feeling, under the hurt this has caused, you are the same way.

  PS there really isn't anything wrong with just telling the person "hey helloooo I'm needing a bit of sympathy right now, save your tough love for later, OK?" Real friends tend to "get it" and if they don't it still feels good to say it.
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  RAF

  (((Crumpet)))

  ditto What others said on the matter in different ways and Xena's post I've just read before to post this (about don't let that change you, we are all different and we need different types of people, also giving is giving not asking/especting anything in return)

  Unless someone is handicaped and need a real support (day after day), or is extremely sensitive at a specific moment to the point I feel that this is the moment to listen and to hug her/him ... I think that there is a time to just say you're big enough "take over" because I won't always be there (that's what I did for my unic son since the bigining) and guess how much I love him?) It's like saying I can feed you for a while but you will still need to know how to make or get food for yourself)

  My sister came up with that comment "nobody's there when you really need them" (I know she feels morally sad). But who Am I? ... Did she even realised that I was there? ... (I fixed her eyes like to say ... can't you see?) still she just didn't realised how unfair her statement was to me. Since she didn't realised I left my comment for another day when she'll feel better (but It was interesting to acknowlegde this kind of missperception again, lots of people just do not see how much support they get and just think that they need more - which is understandable but not always possibleor even what will really help them to take over).

  A friend is not an unconditional support, a friend is someone who tells you the right thing at the right moment, and a friend is still a human being with his/her own troubles, faillures and needsat that very same moment. There is only one person you can really count on "YOU".

  More you cry, less most people want to hear about it (if not for you to be the subject of conversations to say I know someone bla bla bla to make them feel better about themselves ... or because they also feel alone and that's the way they compensate be with people who feel the same - like : he/she too have been there - they steam out with you - it's like a common support actually it's not a one way support - just like the JWD Board).

  When I'm in depression I don't call anybody, (I'm happy when someone calls, but I might skip the subject) I take my time to take over (I've really understood that I really need to support myself at first).

  Take care sweety ...
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  Crumpet

  Crumpet, your new avatar is hot. just had to say it!!!

  Thanks Rooster - thats my valentines morning pic - full of hope and anticipation - only to be dashed - you dont wana see the evening one! (LOL - only kidding wasnt that bad!) RAF - I wondered how long it would be before someone said giving is for its own sake and not expecting something in return and you are right about that. I just kinda wanted her to be there a bit for me if it happened to me, but I still would have done the same thing anyway - maybe not get so emotionally involved though as I did. It actually became so I was more upset over her breakup than she was which was plain weird. I understand what you mean about taking time out for yourself and withdrawing somewhat when you are depressed. I do too - but I still like people to enquire as to how I am even if I am likely to turn down any invitations anyway.

  PS there really isn't anything wrong with just telling the person "hey helloooo I'm needing a bit of sympathy right now, save your tough love for later, OK?" Real friends tend to "get it" and if they don't it still feels good to say it.

  Xena - you are right - I havent worked up to that kind of confidence just yet. I'm not going to go to town over this. Blacklpearl, Franni, Joanna and Twitch - thank you so much for responding. Also there is slightly more to the story that I havent said yet...she and I ended up having a fling - nothing serious and it didnt start until a few months after her break up. I was worried that she was not emotionally in the right frame of mind when she made a pass at me soon after the breakup so I pretended not to notice it, but we did end up ...well some time later. She also went on to sleep with my ex boyfriend, which I had asked her not to. But I forgave her even though she lied and said she didnt and I later got a confession, although she laughed and wasnt particularly sorry. Since then we have seen each other as friends and in company and there was no awkwardness - she is a headmistress at a private school and is quite busy and has moved further into London. Am not sure how any of this affects her inability to offer some token support now but there it is....
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  Crumpet

  Thank goodness Paster Russell - how can you help me?
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  RAF

  (((Crumpet)))

  don't take everything I'm saying personnally ... (you are the one who knows what concerne you)

  Juste for you to acknowlegde fully why THIS answer :
  
  ... Those were your questions asked as a topic to discuss :

  I wondered how do you handle that? Do you stop being "friends"? Do you hunt em down to find out why? Were you very disappointed at being let down? How much should you in fact expect from your friends?

  Even through your second post on this thread you don't ask for hugs (but now it's seems that, that was what you were especting the most)

  So it seems she learnt nothing and is just as bad as her own fairweather friends. I feel a bit tee-ed off to not get any support at all from her. I have to say the rest of my friends have done what they can to be good to me and I'm really grateful for that. And of course you guys have all be spectacularly awesome and help me cope with the day to day by stimulating my mind, giving me ideas, taking me out of myself so I can think and comment on yoru problems, and making me laugh.

  What I did is giving "my" whole conception about the issue (what I feel about it - like I would have done for my son or anyone who would have asked me those questions = give him/her "MY" view on the matter) ...

  Of course I understand that it's just human to espect a minimum of concern from anyone you've been close to ... Take into consideration when I'm talking that it's all easy to say (like "giving is giving and not especting anything in return") but not always just that easy to stuff it for real (OF COURSE), it all depends of our personal level of sensibility and situation (contextually) and that's also something not easy to get (from oustide as a poster)
  
  Take care ...
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  Crumpet

  thank you RAF- i enjoyed that hug! And I do understand all comments do come from personal experience - thats what I enjoy about the board - the diversity of experience that shapes our understanding and expectations now.

  What does RAF stand for - is it your initials or something else? Here it stands for Royal Air Force - so everytime I see you I think of a sharp torpedo jet! ;-)
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  trevor

  Crumpet

  I apologize in advance if quoting this old adage kills your thread as is my speciality.

  A friend in need is a pain indeed...