I am not defined by my past

by Lady Lee 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  Lady Lee

  Every now and then the question comes up about how we define ourselves; whether we will always be ex-Jehovahs Witnesses.

  If the answer to the question is yes then I am married forever to a definition provided by an organization that cares for no one - not even its chosen ones.

  It colors who I am today. But I am not defined by it.

  In the 1960s when few kids had parents who didn't live together I was the odd kid who didn't have a mother around. Not only had she left my father but she left me. If I take that to define who I am today I am forever chained to a cultural norm where I didn't fit in.

  As a kid I can't say I knew even one other kid who lived in foster care. If I did know one I know for sure they never talked about it. I can't allow that experience to label me as a problem child. I wasn't.

  I was a child of physical abuse, emotional terorism, and sexual abuse.I cannot allow those experiences to define who I am. Otherwise I become the perpetual victim.

  I was married to a man who firmly believed that I was defective, less than and less important than him simply because a religion told him so. If I accept that belief I would have stayed for more verbal abuse.

  Each experience contributes to the person I am today. I wear the scars, both internal and external. I work to overcome the bits and pieces of the past as they rise up to haunt me. I work to put them in their place - the past. That doesn't mean I put them on a shelf to forget as I go on with life.

  Rather I need to take each experience and roll it over in my mind seeking to understand the impact and how it has shaped me, how I respond to those experiences and when needed find new and healthier ways to deal with life today.

  Other more positive things have helped shape the person I am today; a teacher who loved my drawing enough to ask to keep it; another teacher who offered to help me find another foster home, a friend that helped me see that making no choice in life was itself a choice - one that kept hurting me, an education, hard won, two beautiful daughters and three wonderful grandchildren and most recently a wheelchair as a companion every time I go out the door.

  I am more than all of those. I am the screaming voice finally silenced. I am the fearful child grown self-sufficient. I am the trapped adult now free.

  I choose to rise above, to create myself anew.

  We choose. I choose. You choose too.
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  serotonin_wraith

  However life treats you, no matter what happens to you, no matter what support you do or don't have, you will always be YOU.
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  Abandoned

  I love your posts LadyLee. And I agree with you about not being defined by that horrendous organization. Actually, not only do they not define us but their inability to conquer us has made us incedibly strong. So instead of being defined by being an ex-jw, we are refined by having endured the abuse. We KNOW we can go through crap and we KNOW we can come out the other end as kind, friendly people still capable of loving. GO US!!!
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  GoingGoingGone

  That was beautifully expressed, Lady Lee.

  GGG
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  Confession

  So well done, Lady.

  Congratulations and Love,

  Confession
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  Outaservice

  On 'Judgement Day', I'd like to be in your shoes!

  Thanks for the 'post'.

  Outaservice
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  Lady Lee

  FriendlyOne

  I'm not sure what to do.

  You are 25 years old. I was 33 and had 2 kids in tow when I left and decided to go back to school

  Experiment. Find out what you do like. You may already know what you don't like. But try new things. Go to new places. Do things in a different way. It really is up to you. The choices no longer have to be made by an organization or another person.

  Most importantly get past what the organization or your parents or other people in you r life think you should do. Listen past what you think you "should" do. Go deeper than what your heart says. Listen to that gut feeling deep inside and follow it. Someitmes it takes a while to really listen. But that little voice is there so listen up, make a plan and go for it
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  Carmel

  LL, I agree very much with the central theme of your post. Although much of my outlook on life was framed by my early childhood training as a JW, I refuse to be a "victim" rather, I prefer to make lemonade out of lemons as have you. carmel
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  Madame Quixote

  Lady Lee, thank you for your post. I hope someday I can say all of those things and be sure that I would not be fraudulent for saying them.

  One thing I can say for certain though, is that after years of 'hit-or-miss' living outside the JW organization, I finally understand many things I never would have understood without leaving that deceptive cult behind and have no regrets about leaving it in the dust where it belongs.

  The eventual result of that is that I have only significant others who do not victimize or abuse me in any way; it took years to discover that simple way of existence because of all my childhood damage as a JW. I have slowly learned to set boundaries in ways I would never have had the strength or confidence to have done as a victim in that organization, and that took years to learn and to even recognize; so, I know that those experiences do shape me. They do not, however, define me. When I go out the door, I don't make a big deal talking about that stuff with others.

  So, despite the glaring imperfections and under-achievements of my life, I have finally been fortunate enough to say without any regret or sorrow whatsoever, that I am very glad not to be caught up in the terrible stranglehold of Jehovah's Witnesses. I am free to make whatever mistakes I need to make to work past and/or to accept the imperfections, rather than to live in a nightmarish fantasy world of self-abnegation to get into paradiz.
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  Amazing

  Lady Lee,

  Excellent! You have captured what people in general need to come to realize about many types of tragedies in their lives ... and this is just as true for ex-JWs. Eventually, we need to retire from being an ex-JW.

  Jim Whitney