Withholding sex in a relationship or marriage

free2beme

I once heard that when you first get married, you should take a jar and put a penny it in each time you have sex your first year. Then after the first year, take a penny out for each time you have sex, and that jar would never go empty. Basically, the sex gets old and you never do it much after the first year. Who does this? Personally, my spouse and I enjoy sex often and never got bored with it past the first year and yet often I learn of people who do fit this.

A man I set next too at work got married young and is now only 23. He has this girl who comes by and visits with him all the time and people tease him, as he is a married man. I spoke to him today and asked him what he was thinking. He said it was all innocent and nothing to worry about, but I just got the feeling that is what he wanted people to think. So I went in to the discussion more and learned his wife was not in too sex and in fact they had not had sex in two months. Not that they were cheating on each other, but she just did not like it and wanted to just go to sleep. Another person sitting near by, overheard us talking and mentioned how him and his wife hardly ever had sex and joked with this guy that he should get used too it, as that is marriage.

So am I am some minority here, in that I actually have had and still have an extremely active sex life with my spouse? As it seems like it. I personally think a sexless marriage would be enough to bore me in to looking elsewhere for sex. Not that life is all about sex, but if you love someone and find them attractive, why would you not want sex with them? I expect this young guy to cheat on his wife at any time, innocent as he might think it is, he wants sex and it will lead him away. So, do you think withholding sex out of a relationship is something that will lead to the end of the relationship? or just something you have to accept?

FlyingHighNow

So I went in to the discussion more and learned his wife was not in too sex and in fact they had not had sex in two months. Not that they were cheating on each other, but she just did not like it and wanted to just go to sleep.

This could be a hint to him that he isn't the greatest lover. And how about this, perhaps he is a lousy lover and she has stepped out on him and doesn't need sex with him but is so worn out by her amazing side lover that all she can do is think of sleep when she is with her selfish, immature baby husband. Very few early 20 something guys are amazing lovers.

mrsjones5

I don't think you're in the minority. 23 is a bit young for a woman to start pooping out on sex. Maybe that guy isn't very good at it. Or he's all about getting his and nevermind his wife. Could be the wife isn't getting anything out of it so why bother. I've been married for over 14 years now, have 4 kids and the hubby still chases me around, says naughty things in my ear, and locks the bedroom door if he happens to catch me in there alone. Yeah I can't resist the man. lol

FlyingHighNow

Or good husbands for that matter. And don't believe everything anyone tells you when they are cheating. I always remember there are two sides to every story.

free2beme

I told him that any woman who was willing to have sex with him, knowing he is married, is a cheat herself and should not be trusted. Personally, as young as he is, he should try and work it out. At the same time, they belong to some odd conservative religion that reminds me a lot of Witnesses and I wonder if this is a factor as well.

truthsearcher

I feel sorry for this young man if he has found himself in a sexless marriage, after all, the Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled, and my goodness, if you read Song of Solomon, it certainly indicates that it was and is a pleasurable experience for both partners. Even if they are conservative Christians, there are books circulating in that circle that, for lack of a better word, instruct husbands and wives about mutual needs and the importance of satisfaction (The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye is one). I think this husband is playing with fire if he is frustrated and now spending time with a sweet young thing. Perhaps there is a medical issue with the wife--thyroid or something causing her to be tired? Maybe a medical checkup is in order?

Just an idea, since fatigue has always put a stop to this important part of our 21 year marriage too.

J-ex-W

I once heard that when you first get married, you should take a jar and put a penny it in each time you have sex your first year. Then after the first year, take a penny out for each time you have sex, and that jar would never go empty. Basically, the sex gets old and you never do it much after the first year.

Yeah...I could never live like that.

So, do you think withholding sex out of a relationship is something that will lead to the end of the relationship? or just something you have to accept?

I think it's important to understand that the term 'withholding' does not necessarily apply to this question, though. 'Withering' is the term that may apply more fully--as in, withering sex drive/ desire/ connection---from lack of 'watering,' nurturing, and any number of ills existing within the marriage itself.

A lot of times, guys (and sometimes girls) prefer to look at it as their partners withholding---rather than see it as themSELVES withholding: Withholding the TLC and hard maintenance necessary to keep a healthy marriage connection thriving. So...I say...if your partner seems to be withholding...look for the root causes to the WITHERING.......

FlyingHighNow

Don't a lot of cheating husbands say they don't get sex at home? Don't many of them seduce women by lying to them and garnering their sympathy? It could be his wife makes love to him often and is very good at it. 23 year olds often aren't over wanting to sow their wild oats. Naturally, he doesn't want to look bad so he blames his frigid wife......but is she actually frigid? Maybe he treats her horribly.

Ask the women here at JWD how often they have been propositioned by a married man who complains about his frigid wife that just doesn't understand him.

J-ex-W

I don't get the 'blaming the frigid wife thing' from married guys, but I do get hit on by them from time to time. If I let them get far enough into the conversation, this 'frigid wife' thing would probably soon follow out of their mouths.

prophecor

Witholding sex is like cheating on your taxes, you've got to be able to get your groove on, even if its only at sparse levels, its the way of the business. It the nature of the beast. Agreeably as mentioned previously, 20 something sounds a tad young for men to able to have the necessary knowledge and skills to be able to not only satisfy thier partner, but to even be comfortable in thier own person as a sexual entity.

" I'm supposed to put this where? "

I know that in my 20's I was a sexual embicile and didn't really have a clue as to how best to go about making certain that we all had at least a reasonably respectful time. Even with all the training films viewed from my youth up, I didn't have a clue as to what the hell was going on. It took me until I was well into my late 20's early thirties to even begin to have a clue. It was a lot of hit and miss, touch and go, and a little bit of trial and error.

However.......

Withholding sex in a relationship or marriage

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