An explanation: Life*****sucks: And--

by onacruse 13 Replies latest jw experiences

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  onacruse

  First of all, I'd like to sincerely thank all of you who responded to (and called me, and p/m'd me) about my recent thread (read: blind raging rant).

  I've had more time to think about why I reacted, and felt, the way I did, and I've talked to my closest friends, and I chose to start this separate thread because what I felt has more to do with JW/exJW/Christian upbringing than the particular circumstances in which my rage was induced.

  Simply: My rage was because a raw nerve had been touched, a nerve that I thought I had long since healed---the feeling that NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH!!

  I remember that feeling as a JW: Now a publisher, but, that's not good enough...you must put in more time. Now a vacation pioneer, but, that's not good enough...you must now become a regular pioneer. Now a regular pioneer, but, that's not good enough...you must now go to Bethel....ministerial servant, elder, etc., etc., etc...and then, of course, that ethereal "anointed one." Been there, done all of these.

  I remember that feeling as a Christian: No matter how hard you try, you are still just a sinner, and must daily ask God to forgive you for your weaknesses and inabilities and failures (known or unknown) to perform up to Divine standards. (Perhaps a coincidence, but my other recent thread about "Christians are masochists" was probably a prelude of this...though not a deliberated one).

  I remember that feeling as an exJW: You must see, of course, that you have now devolved to the lowest of all possibilities---not able to measure up to the high standards of either God or the WTS...oooh, my dear son, how low you have sunk.

  And then, in the midst of an otherwise mundane occupation: a lowly carpenter. True, a carpenter working on multi-million dollar houses, for months at a time, with the finest woods and techniques and tools available, and yet to have this fellow, this fellow who I taught, telling me that I was somehow inadequate in what I was doing, while he screwed up the simplest of tasks, and passed them by as if I didn't have half-an-eye left to see it.

  THAT was what struck me off.

  Some (sooooooo many!) of us were TRUE BELIEVERS, and have ever since carried with us the vestiges of that conditioning, however hard we might have fought to retrace our steps, and however thoroughly convinced we were that we had gained the victory.

  My resolution of the matter is (and I'm restating it here more for myself than for anybody else): I KNOW I AM GOOD ENOUGH, just as I am.

  OK...OK...OK...now I'm ready for a few tune-ups.
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  Abandoned

  I guess I missed your other thread but here's a big old ((((((((((hug))))))))))
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  RAF

  Well I don't know what to say ... anyway it's like you feel better

  Oh and to me a good carpenter just can't be lowly ... the exchange Market can crash he will still be able to build his own log house and everything needed in it for him and others (since there are wood left of course) who wouldn't exchange something they can give you for this service?
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  onacruse

  Abandoned, ntw. You've a truckload of your own worries and problems.

  Ya know, in some ways, over the course of this evening, it reminds me of Buttlight's thread about ghosts. We all have our own ghosts...or, if one prefers to call them: demons, or, well, other things.

  Some we can identify, some we know we can't...and some we think we have.

  Sometimes "life" is just so stupid, isn't it? LOL

  And then there's Farkel, who I talked with this evening (for a friggin' hour and a half) and he had to get all over me about Plato's Dialogues and Euthyphro other stuff like that stuff...geez, how I wish I owned a Tazer.
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  Warlock

  And then, in the midst of an otherwise mundane occupation: a lowly carpenter. True, a carpenter working on multi-million dollar houses, for months at a time, with the finest woods and techniques and tools available, and yet to have this fellow, this fellow who I taught, telling me that I was somehow inadequate in what I was doing, while he screwed up the simplest of tasks, and passed them by as if I didn't have half-an-eye left to see it.

  ona,

  LOWLY? Hardly.

  You followed in Jesus footsteps even in occupation! Surely you are a better man than me! My father was also in your field.

  So here I am, a self-taught trader, who has paid thousands in tuition to participate in one of the riskiest endeavors on earth. At least your work is without the same risks.

  Warlock
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  bernadette

  Can identify with your topic Onacruse.

  In my situation - my hubby a very zealous elder - it seems to me that vibes and feelings of not measuring up and no being good enough are coming directly from him - but really they are there from my and his indoctrination. - so simple but so easy to forget. Need to keep reminding myself otherwise can see a huge wedge developing between us. Don't want to lose him to the wts.

  thanks for drawing attention to this aspect.

  bernadette
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  SirNose586

  I remember that feeling as a Christian: No matter how hard you try, you are still just a sinner, and must daily ask God to forgive you for your weaknesses and inabilities and failures (known or unknown) to perform up to Divine standards. (Perhaps a coincidence, but my other recent thread about "Christians are masochists" was probably a prelude of this...though not a deliberated one).

  Yep. So many of them feel so...unworthy of any love and support.

  There's a middle-aged couple in my hall who are pretty down to earth. They helped out our family when my folks were seperated for nine months (and were the only ones in the hall to do so). My sister and I occasionally eat with them after meeting, because they both don't like to be in large group outings. If there's a game on Sunday after meeting, there's a standing invitation to come down to their place and have wings and beer. All in all, cool folks to know in the dub world.

  The wife, let's call her Bonnie, is in her words, "a loudmouthed broad." She gives anecdotal, pithy comments that usually have people nodding or chuckling in agreement. Sadly, the poor thing has no self esteem. Every time I see her on Sunday, she always starts out with what a miracle it was that Jehober let her enter the sacred KH this week. "It'll take that full 1000 years to make me perfect," she is fond of saying, with a crestfallen look on her face.

  Most of the time I just nod whenever she gives a self-deprecating comment. Last Sunday I wanted to know why she kept saying these things. "Why do you feel that Jehovah has such a low opinion of you? Aren't your many years in the truth worth something?"

  She didn't answer and walked away. The non-answer spoke volumes...

  Another example can be seen in my dad. Everytime he prays, we hear about how imperfect we are, and how much help we need, and how much we're suffering, and how much the world and Satan beat us up, and how much we need the help of the Slave. I mean, just thank god for the food and get on with it! No need for a mini-sermon. But of course my dad has either deep depression or is bipolar (I'm not sure what it is, and I don't want to ask), so no big suprise there. The question is, was dad this way before he was recruited? Or did a couple decades in the Tower make him like this?
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  onlycurious

  Hey, didn't read your other thread but picked up on a few things that made me want to post here. I am a Christian and lately learned a lot of things that really have challenged me in how I identify myself as a believer.

  Recogizing ourselves as a sinner is only the beginning. It certainly isn't the end of the revelation...it's the beginning. That is when life begins. Our identity changes upon the recognition of needing a Savior and receiving Jesus as our Savior....yes, from our sins. Then we stand cleanses and forgiven. We don't have to walk with our heads hanging down and constantly beat ourselves as if we aren't good enough.

  If you were the ONLY person on earth, God would have still sent His Son. You are that awesome and loved. The question is, "Who do you identify yourself with?" The old sinner self or the person who is renewed within because of what Christ did on the cross?

  It's a great revelation and healing when we realize how important we are to God and that He doesn't turn His back on us because we aren't "good enough". It's freeing to know there is NOTHING more that we can do to receive MORE love.

  He simply loves us unconditionally and completely as we are.
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  onacruse

  RAF:

  Well I don't know what to say ... anyway it's like you feel better

  Men like to be in control, especially of the emotions that they can't possibly understand. Since I now understand them, I feel under control, and therefore feel better. LOL

  Oh and to me a good carpenter just can't be lowly ... the exchange Market can crash he will still be able to build his own log house and everything needed in it for him and others (since there are wood left of course) who wouldn't exchange something they can give you for this service?

  Now there's an idea: How 'bout I go up north and build OUTLAW a really good house, instead of that pathetic igloo in which he now resides (with his beer-warming-penguins)?

  ps: RAF aka FBF, I'd like to apologize to you for any misunderstandings between us, insofar as language is concerned. I know just enough about languages, and just little enough, to realize that the simplest of words can take on the greatest of mis-meanings....except, of course, when it comes to Canuck, which doesn't even deserve to be classified as a language. LOL
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  onacruse

  My comp just crashed...I really must upgrade! LOL

  Warlock:

  First, let me say: You've been very kind in letting me steal your here and there...I really like it! LOL

  But:

  Surely you are a better man than me!

  That's exactly what I'm talking about. It isn't at all a matter of whether I'm a better man than you, or you than me.