Post your Watchtower "fine print" warnings....

by JH 13 Replies latest social humour

• 

  JH

  LIke anything you buy today, there is always something written in fine print that means, your product won't be covered under such and such eventualities.

  Now lets apply this to the Watchtower.

  What do you think the watchtower should have put in fine print so that the new JW's who just joined can see what awaits them...

  This is what I would have written in fine print, if I was the Watchtower.

  Your new journey starts here. From now on, you dump all your worldy friends and family that don't want to become JW's. Once baptized, you can't look back and question the Watchtower. Doing so will make you a marked one, and you won't be able to socialize with the rest of the congregation. Whatever you learn at meetings isn't neccessarilly the truth, but it will be considered the truth, for as long as newer light doesn't shine.....lol No matter how long you've served as a JW, the slightlest mistake on your part, will lead to shunning.

  OK, make your own Watchtower fine print...
• 

  found-my-way

  We, the writers, will always be considered correct, even if doctrine is proven as incorrect. Once you are baptized, you have dedicated yourself to the faithful and discreet slave at all times, neither running ahead, nor lagging behind. Any written changes will always be considered ''new light''. Any disagreements to written doctrine will not be tolerated. You will be expected to give your life to the Society,as well as your financial means. You will be blessed with titles if you show yourself a hard worker, and if you show a submissive spirit. You will be blessed with more priviledges when you prove yourself a faithful sheep. You will attend all meetings. Missing any meetings denotes a weakness in faith, and this will noted by your PO. You, the faithful followers will be encouraged to disown your loved ones should they share any doubts about the Society's direction. You may have doubts, but you are not allowed to share your doubts with any other person. As long as you outwardly show you are a humble and faithful sheeplike one, you will be patted on the back. You must do all personal study from the Society's publications. Bible reading is encouraged but not without the Society's study aids. Any independent material is considered a tool of Satan. You will be required to report to the elders infractions on the part of your brother or sister. You are required to report to the elders any sins you have commited, past or present. As long as you grovel and beg, you will not be disfellowshipped. this applies to sisters only. Brothers only need prove that they will be useful servants of the Society in order to remain a Jehovah's Witness. Anything you say against the Society, can and will held against you in a judicial meeting. We reserve the right to arbitrarily disfellowship anyone not in line with the Society. We reserve the right to change any doctrine at any time.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Your new journey starts here. From now on, you dump all your worldy friends and family that don't want to
  become JW's. Once baptized, you can't look back and question the Watchtower. Doing so will make you
  a marked one, and you won't be able to socialize with the rest of the congregation. Whatever you learn at
  meetings isn't neccessarilly the truth, but it will be considered the truth, for as long as newer light doesn't
  shine.....lol No matter how long you've served as a JW, the slightlest mistake on your part, will lead to shunning.

  I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth reading this one. I prefer something the totally ignorant would
  understand-

  Warning- reading this literature might lead to your joining a cult which forces you to behave and think a certain
  way. It could lead to loss of friends and family. You are also never permitted to leave the cult without more
  adverse conditions heaped upon you. STOP NOW, and read www.freeminds.org instead, or www.silentlambs.com
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Terms & Conditions

  The reader of Watchtower-produced publications ("the mark") agrees that the publishers ("the channel") are providing the publications free from any warranty or fitness for a particular eternal eventuality.

  Limit of Liability: Any issues arising from the reading and/or believing of the material set forth by the channel are soley the responsibility of the mark. The mark's sole recourse in the event of such issues is to stop reading the material. The mark agrees that any shunning the mark may receive is exactly what the mark had coming for being a rebel.

  Governance: The terms of this agreement are enforced by the channel. Any disagreements with the handling of enforcement will be resolved by the channel. Appeals can be addressed to the channel, but it's probably not worth the mark's time.

  Notification of Changes: These terms may be changed by the channel at any time for any reason or no reason, without prior notice to the mark, or anyone at all for that matter. In fact, such changes may be quietly injected into material along with misquotes from previous terms and conditions to make it appear that nothing has changed at all ("new light"). The mark is solely responsible for keeping up with new light.

  Severability: If any of these terms are deemed by any governing officials to be invalid, they will be relabeled a "conscience matter" and will remain in effect. The mark will agree to let his conscience be his guide in continuing to do whatever the channel orders, suggests, or even vaguely hints at.
• 

  *jeremiah*

  WARNING: WTS side effects may include but not limited to nausea, diarhea, dementia, restless leg syndrome, fear, trembling, confusion, arrogance, abuse, shunning, upset stomach, tired eyes, sleeping during meetings-itis, judicial repremand, tunnel vision, blurred vision, denial of christ, broken hearts, empty souls, sexual suppression, aggression, holier than thou attitude, lovers of men rather than lovers of God, loss of family, loss of privileges, loss of blood, and loss of life.
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  found-my-way

  LOL at AA and Jeremiah!
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  IsaacJS2

  WARNING: May cause drowsiness or nausea if used in excess. May also cause nightmares, loss of family and friends, and all-around dumbness if baptized. Some may even experience an unwarranted sense of superiority and depression, or the "green-apple-splatters" if spiritual food is chewed too quickly. Consult your doctor, or just try getting a life for pity's sake. Sheesh.

  IsaacJ
• 

  Paralipomenon

  Warning: Prophesies in older publications appear closer than they are.
• 

  Merry Magdalene

  LOL those are some fine "fine print"!

  ~Merry
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  M.J.

  Notice: the "slave" is not inspired. I thus waive all liability and consequences incurred by submission to statements made by the "slave". However, non-compliance and/or apparent non-agreement with statements made by the slave is subject to judicial action and punishment, at the discression of the slave.