For the kids is it better to stay married and miserable or...?

by brunnhilde 40 Replies latest social relationships

  • Gill
    Gill

    DIVORCE!!!

    My parents fought like beasts fro as long as I remember and continue to do so. They will have been married for 42 years this year! Imagine 42 years of fighting!

    I felt ill every time they fought! I felt frightened and insecure and it made me mentally and physically ill my whole childhood!

    I was ashamed of them every where we went and I still am because of the constant non stop abuse they give eachother

    Children are too clever and too sensitive to cope with that kind of life!

    Divorce is far better....any day!

  • UnConfused
    UnConfused

    It sounds that you've already made the decision in your heart (whether you wanted to or even meant to), which makes me wonder how you would be able to stay at this point and not go crazy.

  • caligirl
    caligirl

    I'd have to say divorce may be better, but it will be traumatic for the children in some ways no matter what. I think that the friendlier the divorce is, then the easier it is on the children. I think it is better to divorce in complete agreement than stay together and resent it. Then at least there is a chance that your child can have both his parents around for birthdays and holidays and special events. I think it is the hatred and bitterness that is harder on the children.

  • Mystla
    Mystla

    I think Outlaw summed it up nicely. Your son is aware of your difficulties, even at very young ages kids pick up on these negative vibes from their parents. Often they misinterpret the situation as their fault.

    My parents were "incompatable" to put it mildly.. all four of their children heaved a big sigh of relief when they finally seperated. I had migraines as a teenager from the tension at home.. you could cut it with a knife. They didn't have to argue in front of us for us to know what was going on.

    Whatever choice you make I ask that you consider this: Please do not ask your son. Do not sit him down and explain that mommy is unhappy and thinking about leaving daddy and what does he think... Present him with the desicion when you have made it, not while you are deciding. I suffered years of mom asking what I would do if she left dad, or what I thought about us kids and her moving into our own place. I love my father and my mother.. I felt like I was betraying dad if I agreed we should leave and I was letting mom down if I said we should stay.. there was no right answer from my perspective, even though I knew everyone would be happier if they were seperated.

    My youngest sister and I discussed this recently. When she was the last child living with mom and dad she was repeatedly told by mom that this time they were leaving for sure.. One time mom had gone through her entire speil without much response from sis.. she asked her what was wrong and my sister said I don't believe you.. The next time mom brought it up it was to tell her to pack what she wanted to take they were leaving tomorrow. My sister said yeah ok and didn't pack anything.. so she was surprised the next day when mom's friend showed up to help them move out.

    It's totally unfair to your child to put any part of the burden of this desicion on their shoulders. Or to treat them like a confidant, they are not your shoulder to cry on, find an adult.

    Ok, I got my little rant out :)

    As far as living as roomates goes... this may be fine for awhile, a transitory period, but for the long term you might want to think about other possibilities. My ex-husband was raised my parents who lived like roomates (right down to seperate bedrooms) He didn't have a clue as to how to treat his wife (me) like a wife, so he treated me like a roomate. (ugh) Course... he was also gay, which may have factored into that..... sigh, if only I had known... but that's a whole other thread.

    Misty

  • Mulan
    Mulan

    I don't think anyone should stay in a bad marriage, kids or no kids.

    Get on with your life and find some real happiness. I think kids are better off with happy parents.

  • deeskis
    deeskis

    Too close to home here. I've appreciated everyones comments from all angles. I feel like I'm a picasso painting now.

  • Stealth453
    Stealth453

    I don't want to cause lasting damage to my son

    What are you teaching him now about relationships, by staying in one that is obviously less than perfect?

  • brunnhilde
    brunnhilde

    I couldn't agree more, Mystla, having been raised in exactly those kinds of circumstances myself. The recent thread on Narcissistic mothers was ALL about my mom! I don't think we've come to a perfect solution. We both agreed we'd much rather go our separate ways, but we also agree that for our son's sake, this is the best alternative. And while it might not work, at least it won't be quite as traumatic to our son as if we just suddenly split. You see, we've had a very amicable relationship all along. We don't scream or shout, mentally, verbally, emotionally abuse each other. There is no passive aggressive sniping. There's just a whole lot of NOTHING. We've been going our own separate ways, and now we don't have to keep up the pretense anymore of being in love. It removes an incredible amount of pressure. My husband is a good guy, he's just not the right guy for me and I'm not the right woman for him. It's a really tough call to make though, when you feel like you're sacrificing your child's happiness for your own. I felt this way: while it's not ideal, it's a hell of a lot better than what we've BEEN doing. And at least now he's going to actually take on half the financial responsibilities! (He was unemployed for two years and for the last four years has worked part-time while I've worked full-time and am currently also going to university.)

  • Hortensia
    Hortensia

    could be if he takes on half the financial responsibilities, you'll like him better. No matter how good a person you are, if you carry more than half the burden for no good reason, you get resentful. And if you are really tired all the time, work, child, school, housework, etc., it is hard to feel anything for anyone, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your temporary agreement might take pressure off both of you and your relationship may improve.

  • Quandry
    Quandry

    I am happy to hear that your thoughts are the happiness of your son. I work in an elementary school and have seen so many behavior problems because mom and dad are divorced or separated and the children act out their frustration and anger at school by not following directions and getting their work done or by fighting or hurting other children.

    If you are both putting your child first and he feels secure with both of you, and you don't fight in front of him, I feel that you are, yes, sacrificing your happiness to stay together, but isn't that what we do when we have kids? Put our desires on the back burner because we are responsible for the emotional needs of our child?

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