When is it time to tell your adult children get the Blank out?

by avidbiblereader 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  caligirl

  I think you were overly generous by furnishing his new place and doing all you did, I'd have taken him down to the local roach motel with a kitchenette, paid for a week, given him a couple of cases of Ramen noodles and told him he had a week to either figure out how to pay for the room or make other arrangements. Unfortunately, it seems likely to me that as he is completely lacking in character by what you have said here that he will sell off all of the new stuff you have so generously purchased for him and be out on his ear when the prepaid rent is gone. The new landlords are not likely to be as tolerant as you have been regarding his delinquent rent payments.

  That said, I'm sorry for you and your wife that you have had this experience and happy for you both that you have finally kicked him out.
• 

  Dismembered

  Re: When is it time to tell your adult children get the Blank out?

  Based on his behavior. Right now!

  Dismembered
• 

  Schism

  Wow, I'm sorry about your kid!

  I was a BARELY 18 year old chick when I took off from my over-controlling parents' house. They would have loved to keep me living there until I died of old age, but I couldn't stand their rules anymore. So, I graduated trade school at 17 (teacher didn't know I was underage. Took the entire course, and then he's like, "you're only 17?" I'm in trouble, don't tell anyone and hold off on the final exam until you turn 18), turned 18, found an apartment, and fled. The class I took wasn't for a job that I liked, in particular. It was a job I knew I could do with the pay I knew would take care of me, and I even had extra to save. This was methodically planned out when I was 15, and I carried it out to a T, while counting down the days until I'd turn 18.

  The best thing they ever did for me was purchased my car in cash for me. I've never paid one car note in my life, because Hondas are cheap and last forever.

  The other thing they did was imposed lots of petty rules and never allowed me privacy.

  Could you tamper with his private life until he hates you? That would be a great way to make him want to leave. You see how I planned out my entire escape route by age 15? If you torture him, he will start planning ways to get the hell out!

  Go through his room. Confiscate his porn and CDs. Take pictures/posters/ANYTHING you can find. Say it is demonic and throw it all away. If his comforter is blue, toss it and say that the color blue is demonized. If his bedsheets are grey, confiscate those and say that the color grey is demonized. Anything you can find that will nip at his patience, call it demonic and throw it away. He will leave on his own!

  EDITED: He won't ever return if you do it this way. He will have nightmares for years to come!
• 

  Schism

  DOUBLE POST
• 

  funkyderek

  avidbiblereader:

  He quit school at age 16 after being expelled now at the 10 day max everytime 22 times <------Right about there, I think Can't keep a fulltime job and only works 20 hours a week Sleeps until 2-4 in the afternoon, Does drugs in and out the house <---------- Definitely there Drinks our liquer and brings it back to the house with his underage friends, we have to chase them out Doesn't clean ANYTHING Refuse to pay $25/ week rent that we would give back to him when he leaves Has stolen from us a multiple times Gave him a car that he has trashed, paid 7 times to get it fixed, paid for first 6 months worth of insurance, paid his fines Leaves a mess everywhere in the house Yells and curses at his mother Throws his cig butts everywhere Has almost burnt the house down by cooking for hours in the early morning a cooking mit Bedroom trashed unless his mother cleans it He is completely difiant, immature, a complete mess, lazy and we are done with it.

  We spent the whole last weekend finding him an apartment, repainted everything in it, shampooed all the carpets, paid his first month security deposit, paid 5 weeks rent, filled house the apartment with furniture, filled the cabinets with food, filled the refrig and freezer with food, new blinds and curtains, new dishes and silverware, new cooking utensiles, pots and pans, completely set up. The new leesees never showed up to help,

  What would you do if he was well-behaved? It seems to me that if you keep rewarding him for bad behaviour, he's going to keep behaving badly. After being suspended from school two or three times, why was nothing done? When he did drugs in your house and stole from you, why did you clean up after him and buy him a car? When he wrecked the car, why did you pay to fix it? Why the hell did you do so more than once?

  I don't think we are bad parents but enough is enough.

  You're clearly doing something wrong, and it's pretty obvious what it is. As a teenager it's normal for your son to test the boundaries. And what does he find when he tests them? That they're almost infinitely flexible. Why would he get up early when he's allowed sleep all day? Why would he pay rent when he gets board, food and a cleaning service without it? Why would he respect your property when there are no sanctions for stealing or destroying it? Why would he drive carefully when you will always get his car fixed? Why would he need a full-time job when all his needs are taken care of? Perhaps instead of consistently rewarding him for anti-social, destructive behaviour you could try punishing him. Or at least not pandering to his every whim.
• 

  blondie

  Part of the dynamics here is that this is a stepfamily, which adds a small extra dynamic.

  I showed your list to a non-JW co-worker with 2 sons, and 1 daughter (23, 21, 18). He was amazed that you let him stay past the drug stage.

  He did ask if your wife was on the same page with dealing with her son, 100%?

  Blondie
• 

  Who are you?

  ABR...your taking a pounding on this one.

  I've made lots of mistakes as a parent. I've done a few things right. I think the most productive thing you can do now is to draw up a list of alternatives for when the dude inevitable lands back on your door step. He's not going to magically transform, especially if he's using drugs.

  Go back to how you were raised and give him the same options.

  Either join the military, (which may be the best for him) or if he does come back, it's with the zero tolerence conditions that he finish HS at the local community college, stop drugging through rehab or 12 step program, work a full time job and obey all of the house rules that your wife and yourself agree on ahead of time. Then have him either go to Community College for a 2 year specialized degree or continue to get a 4 year degree.

  My oldest was floundering at 19-20, I let him come back with all the conditions listed above and at 22 he's working full time, has a side business, a respectable girlfriend (whom he met at college) and goes to college at night....and best of all he's no longer living at home.

  It is possible with a plan.
• 

  avidbiblereader

  To all those that posted on this thread, thanks you guys and gals are awesome, I have read and reread your thougts, thanks for the illustrations and experiences,

  Blondie did hit the nail on the head, we are a step family, very difficult and especially when the son is almost 14 coming into the relationship where he has played his mother to the nines. He was already enrolled in a special program at school for his behavior and suspended several times before I met him. My wife and I have gone around and around many times over the comments posted as I have tried to take your stand, enough is enough, we have given more than above and beyond our share.

  I have made it very clear, I will never live with him again, he got 5 1/2 years of difiance, laziness to the ultimate, filth, disrepect and every other terrible experience that I can remember, 95storm comments made me think of so many other things that I didn't write such as frying three computers downloading crap off the internet, pissing all over the toilet seats and never wiping them off, you name it I have been living it for the last 5+ years, but he is out and I am loving it.

  However I did take his key,, locks are being changed next week also, no I am not on the lease or any loans, we have been way too kind and I dont feel a bit guilty, he has taken me for the last time not matter what, I will move out first before living with him again. He can do what he wants and how he wants from here on out, his mother knows that I am very patient but when I am done, I am done. This has been a long time coming and his mother feels guilt but I do not, she is now 100% on board as he broke the camels back last week when he went into her Womenly Clothes Drawer and stole $160, his staying out all night and drinking also put the nail in the coffin. I do expect him back, but he isn't get one more penny out of me, he has taken us for over $4000 not counting what he has broken and stolen from us, if he opts to sell his stuff, less he will have to carry on the streets with him when he blows this.

  Funnyderk, I have spoken your words to my wife more times than enough, you sound just like me on this issue, Jgnat, thanks for the illustration and I will use it when he TRIES to return,

  Thanks again everyone, he is out but your thoughts and comments help me appreciate that I am right that it is time for him to go grow up and enough is enough and that we have been more than kind and have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

  TIME TO FLAP REAL HARD

  abr
• 

  megsmomma

  Yay!!! Good for you!! Now reward yourselves and turn his old room into something special for you and wifey!!
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  avidbiblereader

  I shampooed all the carpets this morning and doing it again tonight, we are filling it with NEW furniture, a HD flat screen TV, hooking up my sound surround and I cant stop smiling.

  I was thinking of becoming a nudist just for a day with the wife.

  abr