Full Circle. . .

bigwilly

It’s odd to me when and where things change for me. This last Friday I went out with friends and a cousin I hadn’t seen in over a year. I also went out in a part of town I hadn’t spent time in for years. From a strictly party perspective, I had possibly the most fun I have had going out in years. I simply love southeast Portland (the Hawthorne Disctict in particular), I love the funky little bars and businesses, I love the odd assortment of people, I love the feel of the whole neighborhood. I partied like I haven’t partied since my early 20’s (but with slightly more self control) and had so much fun. But that’s not what this post is about.

When I first moved to Oregon at age 20 and began my fade from the borg, I spent a lot of time with my sister and her friends who lived in the Hawthorne area. I have very fond memories of that time of awakening and adventure and find myself a bit nostalgic every time I return to that neighborhood. Saturday when I woke up (stayed with my cousin and his roommate/gf) we went to the same greasy spoon breakfast place I used to go for stoned/hungover breakfast ten plus years ago. As we sat there eating breakfast I gazed out the window at the gas station where I bought my first pack of cigarettes. I couldn’t help but smile to myself at the warmth I felt being there again.

After breakfast my company left for their respective jobs and I was left to myself to walk the thirty blocks or so to where I had left my car the night before. As I walked past the streets I used to walk almost every weekend eleven years ago I could feel a warmth an contentment building in my soul. When I turned onto Hawthorne Boulevard I was greeted with on of the most diverse groupings of people, businesses and arts anywhere. As I walked the twenty blocks down Hawthorne to my car I could feel the joy welling within, the love of the town, the love of the culture and an inner peace I haven’t felt in a very long time. I fought back the lump in my throat which threatens even as I write this to bring a tear to my eye, while embracing the growing fire in my belly. It was so good to feel alive, to feel hungry, to feel hopeful. This was the inspiration I needed so badly, the time and place to reawaken long subdued passion for art and life.

It seemed fitting somehow that as I stand here on the edge of a new life stage and adventure, that I should be in the same physical place I was for my last beginning. But this time I’m seeing it thru different eyes. Rather than escaping from a life of oppression as I was before, this time I come to the precipice to jump I do so knowing my wings will carry me. I feel alive, no longer willing to shuffle along, no longer willing to be passive.

So here I am, come full circle to where I started. I can feel my creative juices surging and giving me the drive to pursue my dreams. I owe an immense debt of thanks to those of you that have been here for me and supported me, in particular a couple of close friends that have opened my eyes to possibilities I would have never considered on my own.

bigwilly

Tool - "Forty-Six & 2" Join in my
Join in my child
and listen ...
Digging through
My old numb shadow

My shadow's
Shedding skin
and I've been picking
scabs again.
I'm down
digging through
my old muscles
for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
and insecure delusions
for a piece to cross me over
or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding
in (my shadow. 2x)
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's
shedding skin.
I've been picking
my scabs again.

Join in my
Join in my child,
my shadow moves,
closer to me

I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic,
insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
cleansing I've endured in,
(my shadow. 2x)
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I,
choose to live and to,
grow,
take and give and to,
move,
learn and love and to,
cry,
kill and die and to,
be,
paranoid and to,
lie,
hate and fear and to,
do,
what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to,
lie,
kill and give and to,
die,
learn and love and to,
do,
what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
stretching up and over me
soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way by
stepping through my shadow,
coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two
are just ahead of me.

LittleToe

You have a wonderful way of phrasing yourself. Inspiring!

joannadandy

Beautiful news to here BW. *hugs*

It's amazing how experiences like this seem so mundane (just having breakfast with friends) but will have such a powerful influence in our lives and end up meaning so much more.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

Crumpet

I'll second that LT!

So care to share whats prompting this fresh surge of creativity specifically?

GoingGoingGone

Wow! I'm so happy for you! What a great feeling, huh?

Thanks for sharing!

GGG

tall penguin

Beautiful post bigwilly! It's amazing how we can revisit a place and have it stir up such inspiration and joy in us. Happy for you. I know it's been a long, arduous journey in so many ways. Glad to hear things are shifting in your universe.

Hugs,
tall penguin

bigwilly

Thank you all, I have had some life changes of late (rather not get into) which have given me pause for inner reflection. Mixed with this particular experience it has led to some soul searching and an awakening of sorts. It's rare that I put so much to "paper" and even more rare that I post more than a few sentences on any discussion board. But, as my post and the song quoted say; I feel myself changing. It's truly exciting and I appreciate the opportunity to share with you.

Sparkplug

Big Willy,

I always love that feeling when life comes full circle. I have had a few of those lately and well it is just cleansing.

ps. I meant to post on this and it has taken me forever to find this thread again.

How are you doing today?

bigwilly

I was good before, but am even better now

Full Circle. . .

Share this