Any Other Widows Here? (page 2)

My sincere and deepest condolences... (((Hugs))). I am not fimiliar with your backround... but for myself...... I also totally understand your feelings. I have been widowed twice. Once at 28 and again at 42.

My second husband was a Witness. To say the least, I was totally devastated both times. I was also left with a small child each time.

How I dealt with it.........hummmm... can't say I did very well either time. People say take it one day at a time... that was totally overwhelming to me. There were days when I was living 5 min. at a time and that was a struggle. I didn't want to be around people, or go places or do anything for awhile... it just hurt too much. Memories tore me apart.

I went to counseling both times.. and found that a great Help for me. I refused to take drugs to dull the pain. Talking with the couselers and allowing myself to really grieve and cry and get it out was the best for me. Not the easiest... but helped. I guess in ways I am still healing.

I feel it is true, you do become one flesh, and the part that's left has to heal. Take the time to heal your heart and mind... yes, there will be a scar.. and it will be tender for a very long time.

Cas

Panda

{{{Snoozy and Casper (fellow widows) and Happy Dad (widower)}}}

Gosh it is so amazing to see someone else write my exact feelings. At first I couldn't take life one minute at a time and then at some point I began to think again (maybe after 2 months). Since the funeral I've been writing to Nick in a journal. At first everyday, eventually less often. And that has helped. I've been going to counseling. W/O being a believer I don't expect an afterlife, and really what could come after practically growing up together for so long. A whole lifetime just gone in a second. That feeling has to be experienced to really understand. Nick died suddenly of a heart attack. That exact moment sent me into the world of the impossible.

We were both dubs. I dissassociated and he faded. At Nick's funeral his best buddy (who had also left the JWs) eulogised Nick and other friends got up and spoke about him. It's all a blurr to me.

The pain is deep and the crying for a few months was agonising. Even now I will sometimes be sobbing before I even realise I'm crying at all.

I have good friends who have stayed with me. That's made a huge difference.

Casper

Panda....

Again I can understand your feelings. My second Husband also died of a heart attack just as yours did. He had"Sudden Death Syndrome".. it was like living with a time bomb. There were times he would be taking a nap and pure terror would go thru me... if I couldn't tell if he was breathing... !!

But yes, a person's "Whole and Complete Life", changes in an instant. All future plans together, just gone. I felt (both times) that I was in a bubble, completely cut off from my environment. People sounded like they were talking into a tunnel, days and events blurred, I COULD NOT FEEL ANYTHING, my body was numb. That went on for quite awhile. I know now that I was in shock and it's the brain's way of filtering info... so too much doesn't get in, too fast. An odd thing to live thru tho. At times I described it as being under water, other times....as a Roller Coaster Ride..thru Hell.......

I like the idea you mentioned of writing to your Husband in a journal. I am sure that helped.

One of the things that bothered me the MOST after a few months, I couldn't tolerate being around couples. It hurt so bad. I didn't want to feel that way. But, I did. Even commercials on TV, or movies about couples...all of it had to go. It has been years for me.......and I still think of them both at least once a day.........every day. I no longer dwell or cry... memories are not as painful anymore. Pictures can be tolerated also. So yes, time does heal for the most part. It will get easier.....

The Witness religion didn't really offer any comfort...as we both know, they taught that our relationship as we knew it, was gone forever. ugh. The CO and PO came to see me afterwards... The CO told tried to offer comfort.. I asked if he had ever been in my "Shoes" and he said no, but he could empathize ...and I told him ( you are libel to say anything at a time like that)...

That he had "NO IDEA" what he was talking about..!!! And that I prayed that he never did experience it, because I didn't feel he could handle it. He didn't know what to say after that. He just prayed.. duh. Wasn't long after that, I just faded away.

I don't know what I believe spiritually.........I am so confused in that area.

Just wanted you to know that your feelings are part of it..and that you are not alone. (((Hugs)))

Sincerely,

Cas

Panda

Thank you Casper.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my grief.

So many friends (real friends no longer dubs) are kind but ya' know here I am still a misery w/o Nick. I feel like fighting off my emotions but then again that would mean I wouldn't remember and I want to remember.

A funny thing lately has been when I remember the things I got really pissed off at Nick about, and now I chuckle at those times and how we always got through everything.

Snoozy

I too had a journal! I wrote in it for almost 5 years..now I just write occasionally. One of my biggest decisions still have to be made. Hubby was cremated and requested that I spread his ashes out on the flowers at the local kingdom hall. I told him I would. Now I have second thoughts. For years he told me he wanted to be spread out in the ocean, only in his last months did he request the kingdom hall.What if they sell it and put a parking lot over him? Nah...bad idea.

I just don't want to spread him in a unfamliar place. And I don't want him to be in that wooden box either. My daughter is going to Florida in July and I am considering letting her take them and throw them in the ocean.The only thing is I wouldn't be there. I always stay at her house and dog sit and house sit and cat sit..when they go.I really think I want to just wait till I can take a trip there and do it myself.

Funny..after hubby died I asked his JW Mom if she would like to spread her hubby's ashes (Hubby's JW dad) and her son's ashes together in their farmground. They used to have so much fun working the farm together..I thought it would be a great idea..she just gave me a wierd stare like what the heck are you talking about?

As far as I know she is still carrying them around in the back of her car in a cardboard box.

Hubby did NOT want to be buried in the ground. He said he wanted to be free..not in a coffin.Like he would know...his beliefs were you don't know anything when you are dead.

I still go to a store and they play music that was special to hubby and I and the tears start welling up. I think just keeping busy is the biggest help . At least it is for me.

Big hugs for all the widows and widowers..

Snoozy..

HappyDad

One of my biggest decisions still have to be made. Hubby was cremated and requested that I spread his ashes out

It took three years but close to our wedding anniversary in Oct. 1999, (Joyce died in April, 1996) I drove to my late wife's favorite place in the world and scattered her ashes. The location is Shawnee Lake in Shawnee State Park near Bedford, PA.

We spent many, many weekends there in our pop-up camper in the early 1980"s when our daughter was little. When my daughter was visiting me from Florida last week, it was the first time she wasn't able to take the drive there. She always goes there when in PA. In a way, it's like visiting the grave of a loved one.

HappyDad

juni

(((Panda)))

I'm so happy to read that you have found others here on the board who can truly empathize with you and share their experiences.

Love, Juni

Panda

One of my biggest decisions still have to be made

Me too. Nick's ashes are in a pretty wooden box on the mantel. I was surprised at how heavy the box is and am glad because the cats can't knock that over! I don't know where I would scatter his ashes. When I think about him being reduced to that box I am amazed, but that's what he always wanted, to be cremated. When I read the bottom of the box it says the remains of Nicholas Pantazakos. The remains ... I think to myself what remains of me after he has gone, not much. When I realise that I will never see the love in his green-gold eyes ever again, no one will ever love me the way he did; and I won't love anyone the way I loved him, well nothing seems real; like this is all impossible, just can't be.

Maybe because it's been only 9 mos. but I sometimes get the idea that he'll be home *later*, of course, it's what I'd like to have happen. Nick's best friend who also left the WTS after we left gave the eulogy at the funeral. I'm so glad that we still have friends who understand the JW experience because they've been there too. I think it's made us all even more concerned with others feelings. Ya' know like the big picture is so much more important than the pettiness of religion.

Thanks for letting me pour my sorrow out here.Panda

Any Other Widows Here?

free2think

Casper

Panda

Casper

Panda

Snoozy

HappyDad

juni

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