Hello, everyone:
I'm new here. Here's my story. Lord, where do I start? First of all, to set the scene, I'm female, single and 50'ish. I've been asking questions about God since I was 12 yrs old and it's been that way all my life. I was ripe for the JW's. My best friend (of 26 years) was a JW and I started studying with her. Sounded good (it always does) so I joined the ranks of the "robotic parrots". Shortly after I was baptized (little over 10 yrs ago), my best friend's husband lost his job and they moved to another state. I struggled and struggled to do my best but my best never seemed good enough for the elders. The pressure to attend all the meetings, do door-to-door service and study was unbelievable! I wanted to scream "Which part of this don't you understand?" In hind sight, now I realize that I was struggling to keep them from controlling every minute of my life. Without realizing it, I was really trying to keep control of my mind! I've always had a very sensitive conscience and they really worked it. After a while, I started to have doubts. In January, I started to miss meetings. Well the brothers were all over me like a duck on a june bug. The pressure and conditional love from the elders and the congregation did not fit the understanding that I had of true Christian love. Somewhere along the line the "friends(?)" forgot how to be friends.
I had never checked out the JW's (who had the time for Pete's sake with 5 mtgs a week, yadayadayada). I didn't have Internet access at home until I purchased a new computer in April. Well-l-l-l in April I accessed my first JW site and many after that. I ranted and raved for 4 days straight. That was a Thurs. By Sun, I was ready to write my letter. I'm as faithful as a hound dog and I'll follow anyone anywhere if I think they are telling me the truth. But lie to me and your toast. I thought of my best friend of 26 years and I was crushed. I felt I had to quickly pull a case together because my next telephone call to her just may be my last (it was as it turned out). I completely stopped attending meetings. I was furious. I was up all hours of the night trying to put all the paperwork together from the Net to present a case. This was tough since I work full time. I spent weekends at the Library and bookstores. All the while, fending off the brother's phone calls and visits. In total, I had 7 unannounced visits at my home in six months. I was exhausted. I finally called my best friend. I told her I was going to disassociate myself but was barely able to get much else out because she never stopped talking. She was so busy putting up brick walls, I could hardly get a word in edgewise. She said I had been fighting it for years because I never had the time to study like she did. This was "parroted" right from the 7/1/01 WT, pg 21. I recognized it at the time because I had read the magazine, too. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She had no intention of listening. The only thing I had the time to get in was "They are lying to you." She wasn't even aware of the results of voluntary dissassociaton. I had to explain. She said she had no time or inclination of "looking for excuses to leave the WTS". So, after weeks of losing sleep in an effort to rescue her, she essentially blew off a 26-yr friendship in exactly 10 mins. I haven't heard from her since. Talk about conditional love. I can only wonder what her unbelieving husband is going to think when he never hears from their best friend again.
Anyway, I am enjoying my new found freedom. I'm a dancer and have started dancing again. I really missed it for 11 years. All I did was preach, teach, and eat (60 lbs worth). My spiritual brains are a little scrambled from the bent WT doctrine but I know my spiritual self will get straightened out with prayer and effort. I'm in no hurry to do a great deal of studying right now. I'm all studied out. However, I have read Franz' "Crisis of Conscience" and "In Search of Christian Freedom". These books helped a great deal. I love God. I have always been searching for him, and finally realize that I have had him with me all the time in His message of love; love for Him and for all of his creation. It is not difficult. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand it. When you have your nose buried in studying every leaf, you miss the glory of the forest. What's more important is that we should have the FREEDOM to learn to love Him and develop our own relationship with Him. No organization or church has the right to dictate, manipulate and control every aspect of your thoughts and lives according to their own bent understanding. God never intended the WTS to run interference! Well, that's my story...so far. Sorry, it's so long. Look forward to some chats.
Trotafox