Inside, she knows what my fade involves

by OnTheWayOut 17 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  While my wife acts "normal" in daily conversation, she avoids questioning me
  about what I view on the internet. She occasionally asks what I am up to, and
  "Clearing email" or "Reading news" usually satisfies her. I think she knows
  better. I usually go on JWD when she is not around, but occasionally use the
  wireless in the living room while she's busy with the home computer. I always
  leave another window open and simply close JWD if she walks into the room.
  (That makes it slow, as I need to sign in again)

  I receive books from Amazon and other sources, but not very often. When I
  did receive books from former members like Ray Franz, or Carl Olaf Jonnson,
  I had them sent to a non-JW relative's home, but anything that's not directly
  considered apostate, I receive it at home (like Steve Hassan's books).
  The last few books I received were:
  Soul Snatchers- The Mechanics of Cults
  Don't Believe Everything You Think- The 6 Basic Mistakes We Make in Thinking
  Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)- Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions,
  and Hurtful Acts

  Since these are not from former members, they came directly to my home. The
  wife was expecting a book she asked me to order. It came with these others.
  She asked what the other books were. I said they were "for me." Then she wanted
  to know if they were "secret." NO. I left the box out in the open for a couple of days
  and I am confident that she did not ever look at what I received. That's very much
  unlike my wife.

  This is why I say "she knows." My wife is very curious about things at work she's
  not supposed to know. She finds out. I think she doesn't want to rock her JW world.
  She's not (so far) talking to the elders about how to drag me back. She knows I am
  never going back (not to steal a poster's name). She just wants to have her husband
  and her false hopes.

  It is a very successful fade. I am very paranoid about it lasting, though. Still, the wife
  doesn't question me. The elders don't question me. The congregation is now learning
  that I am not there, and they aren't calling begging me to come back. My best
  friend still calls me, but doesn't discuss JW stuff (he knows I doubt, but doesn't want
  to rock his world, either).

  I have read many stories of mothers or spouses turning in the apostate, spying. I have
  no room for that from my wife. I am sure she knows that. What experiences do any
  out there want to share- good or bad?
• 

  UnConfused

  Do you think you can discuss anything with your wife? The UN thing? Dates?
• 

  Pahpa

  In the case of believing mates or relatives, they may be motivated by good intentions by having a genuine concern for one's "spirituality." My wife and I would have preferred a slow fadeout. But our children knew of our doubts and questions. They were the ones that sent the elders to help "adjust our thinking." However, it soon became apparent to us that the only reason for their calls was to determine whether or not we still recognized the Watchtower as God's organization. When I expressed doubts about the Watchtower's interpretation of Matthew 24:45-51 the elders invited me to a meeting at the Kingdom Hall to further discuss the matter. However, I found out that this was going to be a judicial committee meeting. In my correspondence with the elders, I requested to know the specific charges, the scriptural foundation of these charges and the names of my accusers. (I suspected that my accusers were the elders themselves who were also serving in the judicial committee.) They refused to divulge any of this information. So, I refused to recognize their authority to judge me. I was eventually disfellowshipped "in absentia" for apostasy.

  Such is the "justice" that one can expect from those appointed elders in the congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses. Fortunately, three of our four children left around the same time we did. But the pain of separation from our oldest daughter and her family as well as my wife's family is still deeply felt by both of us even after more than 24 years.
• 

  FourMs

  My husband did a fade for a few months then stopped altogether and has not stepped foot in a hall for over 4 years. I was the strong headed witness wife and dragged my 2 kids to the mtgs for a few years by myself. I even reported to the elders and told them what he was up to (reading Ray Franz book and here on the JWD). It took them close to a year to come and see us. That triggered a few things right there.

  We have since moved far away and I got fairly involved in the new hall for 2 years. I started to see true colors of people and how things really were in the org. They gloat about the “love they have amongst themselves”. I saw differently. I started to listen more to my husbands comments and realized he made so much sense. I do think living far from family and old friends made it easier for me to see more clearly and to make a break without too much peer pressure. All this time that I struggled to bring my kids to mtgs and service, there was virtually no help. Only when I stopped mtgs is when the elders have turned into the police.

  Aside from that, I would just give your wife time. It took me 4 years to see what my husband was saying all along was making sense. We often talk about ones who have been in it all their lives and know nothing different. How hard it would be to tell l your family and lifelong friends. I was raised in it and so were my parents and their parents. I have moved around and I think that made things easier on us. My parents have been in the same hall for almost 40 years. I don’t think they have any plans to leave, but people like them would have a really hard time doing so. But as you and I know, being true to yourself feels so good!

  I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how things develop. My husband always made subtle comments. I was ignoring him at first when he would blatantly tell me things, but when he realized that wasn’t working, it was the little stuff that finally sunk in.

  Take care,
  FourMs
• 

  drew sagan

  OntheWayOut,
  
  Your wife is scared more than anything else. It is best to veiw her situation in compassion, realizing that she is simply doing what she has been forced to do by the Watchtower.
  
  The truth is that many JWs don't need told that there are hundreds of problems with the Watchtower. They know they are there, but choose to ignore them because of fear. It's the same fear that you possibly had when you first started to question. In fact it's the same fear the vast majority of people on this board felt before starting to open up.
  
  After over six months of dropping hints, hiding books, and sneaking around my wife because of the fear of what would happen, a few events started things moving in the right direction. My wife kept telling me to talk to an Elder, thinking that he would simply be kind about my views and leave it at that. She was suprised to see how reactionary he was and how there was a deep determination in him to make me feel exactly how 'i should' about 'the truth'.
  
  All along she thought you could have an open mind, but once she saw this Elders reaction she realized you couldn't. Later I would find out that she had actually allways wanted the Watchtower to be wrong, but just didn't know what to do. Following other people as she was told for so long was the only option.
  
  I would only add that you should continue to build a strong marrige, and show unconditional love. You will end up being suprised.
• 

  Doubting Bro

  OTWO,

  She just wants to have her husband
  and her false hopes.

  You are dead on and I'm assuming this news must thrill you. She has chosen you over the organization! You know I've been following your story very closely and find it very encouraging that you can fade without losing your wife. That gives me hope that it can happen for me as well.

  There is no other explaination to going from a gung-ho elder to inactive and not going to meetings in what, less than a year? I recently had a conversation with my father (a JW elder) about why I stepped down. Its been a few months but I haven't mentioned it to anyone in my family because I really don't consider it a big deal. I told him that it was too much and he agreed that its almost impossible to maintain the schedule that is expected of elders. Apparently, there is a person in his congregation who was a long time elder and when he stepped down, he took the same road as you did. Never comes to the meetings anymore and when questioned, says he was burnt-out. Somehow, my father buys that (on the surface), but deep down, he must know that this brother no longer believes. I'm convienced this is the case and often wonder if he's a poster or lurker here. And, I think deep down, my dad realizes that I don't believe either.

  But, because no one wants anything to change, we all ignore the elephant sitting in the room. Eventually, it must be dealt with but I think your plan of not pushing too hard is the smartest one to follow. Good luck!!
• 

  rolling rock

  Dear OTWO,
  
  You are a smart man and your wife sounds like a smart lady. I'm sure that from reading all your posts on JWD (i love them btw) that you two love eachother vary much, and that togeather you guys will figer it out.
  
  
  
  
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Do you think you can discuss anything with your wife? The UN thing? Dates?

  Not really. She shuts down instantly when it gets too deep. I know she can't
  argue logically with me. I think I won, but she thinks I bullied. I have tried just
  laying a fact out there without presenting argument. That works, but it just
  allows her to see evidence without any discussion. I keep doing that.

  Most of the things I have told her, I have posted here. I think many of you
  understand the JW mindset, so I have tried doing as some of you suggested
  in those circumstances.

  We are pretty much at the impasse. I don't challenge her beliefs (just drop those
  facts once in a while) and she doesn't ask what research/books I have looked at.

  Your wife is scared more than anything else. It is best to veiw her situation in compassion, realizing that she is
  simply doing what she has been forced to do by the Watchtower. ........
  
  I would only add that you should continue to build a strong marrige, and show unconditional love.

  This is so true, Drew. She has a better relationship with me than ever before. I know it's because she
  doesn't want to lose me to the "world." She's scared to rock her JW world, and scared to be alone without
  her husband. Our impasse includes not bringing others into it, so she doesn't approach the elders. I am
  worried that they will convince her otherwise when they approach her. Hopefully, she remembers our
  agreement to tell them not to put her in the middle. I think she will.

  Continue to build a strong marriage- Yeah, that's what I will do. I drop her at the Hall and pick her up when I am
  not working so she's not out late alone. She likes that. We travel together. We vent together about work and
  other problems. It's really going well. I don't think I was looking for advice here (but I will take it) more than I was
  just posting a positive experience to share with those that need hope. My greatest hopes have come from
  similar posts of spouses helping their mate out.
• 

  carla

  How do you and other faders deal with the spouse thinking you deserve to die for not being a jw? It rather puts a damper on life for me sometimes. Hard to really want to be with a spouse who will always put the org and cong first. Somedays it just pisses me off. Other days I just look at like he is mentally ill and I should have compassion.
• 

  Bumble Bee

  OTWO - I know what you are going through.

  Religion is something my husband and I just don't talk about. It caused some real problems between us. I will make subtle comments here and there that makes him think. I have had books out and he never asks about them. I'm on JWD and he never asks what I'm looking at. I've been to various churches and he never stops me. I ask him if he'd like to come and always just says "no". (Not that I attend any church now - I just had to see for myself what it was all about.)

  He is "inactive", hasn't been to a meeting or assembly longer that me, but still considers himself a JW. I don't. It's a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. It's like that with my mother and sister. We have an agreement not to discuss religion. She wants a relationship with me regardless of our different beliefs, and for now it's working.

  All you can do it let her know how much you love her, that is the most important thing right now.

  BB