My ex-boyfriend who I am trying not to see anymore was disfellowshipped last Monday, but he sent in a letter of appeal because he felt two the the three elders who made the decision were biased against him because they knew his ex-wife and were automatically sympathetic to the woman's side. He's disfellowshipped for having relations with me, even after he was divorced (before that, his divorce was unscriptural.) How soon does the appeal take place? Also, is an appeal for a matter like this usually successful? He was reproved for a similar situation after his first divorce also. Do they keep a record of that type of thing? I don't know why I'm so worried about this, as I'm trying to break the ties with him anyway. I guess I just feel guilty because I'm the one who confessed our "sin" to my bible study teacher before I understood that she was going to have to report him for what I told her. If he is still disfellowshipped after his appeal, is it true that his fellow Witnesses aren't supposed to talk to him AT ALL or just on spiritual matter?
Disfellowshipping question
by emilyblue 18 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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jelcat8224
Hi sweetie! Sorry I don't really know anything about appeals or the whole process at all as I have yet to go through mine. I'm glad to hear you are trying to break ties with this man.
I guess I just feel guilty because I'm the one who confessed our "sin" to my bible study teacher before I understood that she was going to have to report him for what I told her.
You really have nothing to feel guilty about. YOU did NOTHING wrong. HE KNEW what he was doing ... HE KNEW what the consequences would be for HIS actions ... HE KNEW he needed you to cover for him (which in itself is wrong). Please don't blame yourself even just a little. If he remains DF'd, it is his own doing. If he didn't want to be DF'd he wouldn't have done what he did. That was HIS decision ... ok?
Goodluck!
jelcat
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Doubting Bro
Emily,
I can try to answer your questions for you. Just understand that its a messed up process but I understand how it works.
but he sent in a letter of appeal because he felt two the the three elders who made the decision were biased against him because they knew his ex-wife and were automatically sympathetic to the woman's side. He's disfellowshipped for having relations with me, even after he was divorced (before that, his divorce was unscriptural.) How soon does the appeal take place?
If he's in the same congregation that his ex-wife was, there is no way any of the elders didn't know what went on. Also, unless they were relatives of the ex-wife, the WTS rules wouldn't stop them from being on the judicial committee. He had a week to send in a formal appeal and the appeal committee usually meets pretty quicky once formed. I would anticipate a week or so, depending on people's schedules.
Also, is an appeal for a matter like this usually successful? He was reproved for a similar situation after his first divorce also. Do they keep a record of that type of thing?
Sorry, but an appeal for a matter like this with the information you gave will probably not be sucessful. Especially in light of his previous reproof. If you get reproved for some "sin" and then repeat it, the elders will view that as not being repentant and will likely disfellowship. Not saying its right, just telling you how they're instructed to think. And yes, they keep a record of that sort of thing.
I don't know why I'm so worried about this, as I'm trying to break the ties with him anyway. I guess I just feel guilty because I'm the one who confessed our "sin" to my bible study teacher before I understood that she was going to have to report him for what I told her.
I'm really sorry to hear about your guilt but remember that the whole kangaroo court system is one that you have no control over and JW teacher's NEVER disclose this procedure to a potential convert. At least, not in detail if they do.l
If he is still disfellowshipped after his appeal, is it true that his fellow Witnesses aren't supposed to talk to him AT ALL or just on spiritual matter?
Yes. The only contact he can have with JWs is limited to "family business" and perhaps secular business. If he's working for a JW, it will be a very uncomfortable situation.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but its a pretty cruel process.
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reneeisorym
The appeal probably isn't going to work and he is still going to be disfellowshipped. If he confessed it on his own, he could have had a chance. Because they found out through other means, they are less likely to find him repentant.
The others in the congregation will not be able to talk to him at ALL -- about ANYTHING. Only those who live in his house can talk to him. And those in his house can't talk to him about spiritual matters.
Don't feel bad about it! He knew the consequences of his actions and now he must pay the price. If by some chance you get confronted about it, say this -- "Jehovah knew about it and he probably used me to say something so that the ex could be disciplined."
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Nowman
Emily, I would say to you "Ignorance is bliss". I remember your story from a couple of weeks ago...you are better off without him, not just because he's a JW/or former JW. Just based on the fact that he cannot stay faithful to his wives. What a jerk. You are not responsible for this situation at all no matter what what you revealed, you needed someone to vent to at that particular moment (bible study conductor). Really, in the big picture of things, this is not a big deal. Its a big deal for you because you love him, or have strong feelings for him..
Please do not worry yourself about this, I wonder if he is worried about you?
You take care, Nikki
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dedpoet
This is from the "Pay Attention to yourselves and to all the Flock" book,
the "secret" elders manual regarding disfellowshipping and appeals:If the Decision Is to Disfellowship
Tell the guilty person the Scriptural reason(s) for the
action.Inform the wrongdoer that he may appeal in writing
within seven days if he feels a serious error in judgment
has occurred. (om p. 147; km 1/80 p. 4)- Outline steps necessary for future reinstatement.
Be positive, assuring him that forgiveness is possible if he
truly repents; the person may be in a distressed state of
mind.
If an appeal is lodged within the allotted time, no an-
nouncement is made pending the outcome of the appeal.- In the meantime the accused person will be restricted
UNIT 5 (c) - 121
- from commenting and praying at meetings or enjoying
special privileges of service. (om pp. 147-8 )
So if he has appealed, he won't be announced as being no longer one of
jehovahs witnesses until after his appeal is heard. Like other posters, I
think that his appeal will be unsuccessful, and the original decision to
disfellowship him will be upheld.I guess I just feel guilty because I'm the one who confessed our "sin" to my bible study teacher before I understood that she was going to have to report him for what I told her.
Emily, there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.
He knew the wts rules when he began this relationship, and chose to flout them. You,
as a none jw, did not know the "sin" he was committing in pursuing this relationship.
From your previous posts, it seems that he practically blackmailed you into having a
bible study anyway, implying that the only way that you two could be together is if
you became a jw. It seems to me that you have had a lucky escape, 2 in fact, in that
you did not become a jw and subject yourself to their rules and regulations, which would
have included subjecting yourself to his headship. Though I don't know this man, he gives
the appearance of being potentially very unreliable, and you will be well rid of him. You
deserve much, much better than him.dedpoet
- Outline steps necessary for future reinstatement.
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emilyblue
Thank you all for your replies. I'm just trying to get a sense of what he will be facing. He said at his judicial committee meeting, they didn't bring up the fact that I had confessed to my bible study teacher. But her husband is an elder (in a different congregation than his) and I know for a fact that her husband got in touch with the elders at his hall because they came right out and told me they did. They (the husband and wife) both told me that they have serious concerns about my involvement with him based on what they know about his behavior with his two exes. I guess I fell for his line that it was his wives that had mistreated him, and he was the one who was misunderstood because people always side with women in a divorce. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure this whole relationship out. I wonder what he will have to do to show them he is repentant. He said at the meeting he told them about how his ex-wife's uncaring behavior caused him to act a certain way. I just thought I would be different. I don't know what made me think that I was so special he would somehow treat me differently than he has treated the other women in his life. I can't help but feel guilty though, because as he told me, loose lips sink ships. I don't want him ostracized and I don't know how he will handle it because he doesn't have a lot of friends, JW or otherwise. He said he will focus on work.
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orangefatcat
I totally agree with you Nikki, your advise is sound.
I too would never trust a guy who couldn't keep his PANTS ZIPPED UP, Your smart for deciding to leave him. You won't hurt him, he is truly a dork and yes he knows the rules like all JWs.
From the time the sin is reported an official committee is arranged where by the person explains the sin and if he is not repentant at that time he is given seven days reply in writng saying he wishes to appeal their (elders) decision. At that point the elders arrange with the C.O. that this person to be disfellowshipped wants to appeal the decision. At which time the C.O. endeavours to get up another committee of mature elders to have another meeting with the one who is to be disfellowshipped. This appeal should be handled within one week. Their decision is put on hold (not announced yet) and if he neglects to appear before the second committee without a valid reason then it is an automatic disfellowshipping for non- repentance , and it announced at the next service meeting. This is for the appeal method.
However if he should choose to be reinstated at another time and he has shown that he is truly repentant, ( it may take several months a year or more in some cases for elders to observe this individuals conduct that he is showing acts of repentance,) He must be regularly at meetings. When the person has wrtten their appeal to be reinstated it is the effort of the original committee to re examine the persons conduct during that time frame I already mentioned. If the original committee is unable to be a part of this committee hearing, then other elders maybe choosen. As sometimes elders die or move away. Or the person moves away a long distance.
The person seeking reinstatement must act in accordance with the scriptures and the Societys frame work, He must write to the same elder in charge of that committee orginally. When first reinstated the person still may not be able to comment at meetings or pray or take service arrangements he is able to go back in the ministry at this time. An announcement is made that so and so is reinstated. With time his privelges will be given back to him. (Show me all this in the Bible).............impossible of course.
So that is the steps layed out in t he Orangized to do Jehovah's Will the 2005 version or the Organization book: pages 153-154 ,156 -157.
Hope this helps you dear friend.
I don't know your friends heart ( only God knows that ) but it seem to me by his track record he isn't going to change. That is my opinion only. I do hope I am wrong.
But Never ever ever feel guilty for the actions of some one who knows better.
You are not responsible as he is a big boy now.
Orangefatcat hopes for a good outcome.
hugs and hugs again
ofc.
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emilyblue
If he is still disfellowshipped after his appeal, do they announce that at a Sunday meeting? How exactly do they announce it? I've been to a few meetings and haven't heard any announcements like that. Will people in the congregation just completely ignore him after the announcement? The people that I have met at the meetings that I have gone to were very, very, almost weirdly, friendly. I can't imagine them just ignoring someone. What kinds of things will he have to do to show that he is repentant? He has already stopped seeing me, at least in public.
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OnTheWayOut
Even if his claim that the elders were against him has merit, he committed the act.
They will allow his DF to stand. He apparently had relations with you more than once.
That is enough to let it stand. If it is not actual adultery (it is in their eyes) then it is
still fornication. They say that's wrong.It sounds like his only appeal is on repentence. They will toss that out based on the
number of times he "sinned" and didn't come forward.He knows the rules. Don't sweat another minute over it. He's done you a huge favor.
You may have become a slave for the Watchtower had this not happened.